Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

And I hope the counselling went okay. Bear in mind counsellors are only human and there are some shitty ones. If she/he took your DH's side, don't go back. They are not properly trained.

OP, have you taken on board any of the consensus of advice here?

Hope you are ok.

Fuck them. They're cheaters. Truth hurts.

You're not in the wrong.

Your husband's reaction does not bode well.

Isn’t it easy for your H to enable his family to project all his anger and frustration on you? Gaslighting you again. Trust me, I know about this. My ex turned (part of) his anger on my friends and family, as their support of me he deemed to be ‘a toxic environment for our children’, even going so far as ‘forbidding’ me to take them to visit my sister on holidays .

This is all part of a strategy to isolate you and make you desperate for forgiveness and reconciliation. You can easily get hung up on trying to improve your standing with the in-laws - but for what? Their blessing? You don’t need them to like you. You need to love yourself enough to restore your self confidence.

There is no winning in a battle to be accepted or forgiven by these horrible people. Would you choose them as your friends, when the shit had hit the fan? I truly hope you have other friends or family in your life to give you a safe space because you are incredibly fragile right now, and you will weaken yourself further by picking the wrong battles..

Well the patriarchy in action.

You called them out, they didn’t like it.

1950s housewife manual states that wife should remain quiet about any indiscretions.

Your husband sounds like a double shit to me. Once for the affair & twice for allowing you to take the heat of this situation.

There is an affair recovery book - is it Not Just Friends or something like that?

Iirc, this book takes the reader through every step of recovery post affair discovery

The ONE AND ONLY chance there is to get passed this is for the person who cheated to be ABSOLUTELY prepared to be asked anything at anytime for as long as it takes

That person needs to both understand and support the right for the person they’ve cheated on to be angry and indeed go through a whole range of emotions to get them through to the other side.

Without the aggrieved party processing each and every one of the steps of these emotions, they won’t be able to make a recovery and the relationship won’t be able to be repaired to a functioning level.

If your h isn’t prepared for you to have all these emotions, if he isn’t fully prepared for full and frank disclosure as required, then tbh, your banging your head against a brick wall, you’d be most likely better off leaving him to it and focus on your own happiness because by his refusal to support you, it’s obvious he isn’t going to make you happy if it makes him even slightly uncomfortable

And just fuck his sorry shower of wankers of a family. Just fuck em. They’re vile pigs.

You sound like a doormat if you stay in this relationship. You did fuck all wrong. Nothing wrong at all. They should ALL be apologising to you. Why have these bunch of hypocrites in your life drag you down?! If you have no kids, pack your bags, leave and chuck him his keys.

infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-Just-Friends_-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf

here is the book I was talking about

My god op he's really done a number on you hasn't he. I feel so sad that you feel you're in the wrong.

It's the last straw for him?? After you've forgiven him fucking someone else for nearly a year ?? It's ridiculous.

Can't see what you're doing with him. He doesn't love you at all, his family are also dicks and you aren't welcome.

You deserve so much more than this shit show.

Seems to me that the alcohol only acted as attitude drug and allowed you to let everything out. I think the men in that family need to grow up and take responsibility for their actions rather than blaming the victim. The father should be grateful to you for accepting his cheating son back.

Hello all,
Just to update everyone. The counselling session went really well.

Our therapist confirmed that:

• There is no reason to beat myself up
• I do not need to apologize to anyone - these things happen and although not ideal - they are not for no reason. I am angry and hurt and these things will happen from time to time. Though I should try not to get black-out drunk at family events :/
• I should be forgiven for my outburst without further discussion

Though the families behavior was not nice, it isn't necessarily my husbands responsibility for how they are treating me. That is their choice and not his.

We are not going to make any plans to travel to visit them in the next year as it's too stressful for me.

Anyways, they all still give me a bad taste in my mouth and sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about them all.

I don't really agree with any of their lifestyle choices, however I do have more respect for my husband than his dad as he is trying his best to fix things.

Thanks for all the encouragement and words.

I went into the session really standing my ground about how I was treated afterwards and that definitely made my husband see.

Obviously when his dad, the other woman and him are all taking one side, it was hard for him to believe that I may be right.

Thank you

Great update.
You sound very centred.
I would keep that last post somewhere safe and read it to yourself if you ever start to wobble.

Glad you stood your ground OP.

Oh bravo, still with the cheater who needs a counsellor to point out that he's a piece of shit and so are his family.

Obviously when his dad, the other woman and him are all taking one side, it was hard for him to believe that I may be right.

And no it wasn't 'hard for him to believe'. He just much prefers having the control and telling you/having others telling you that you are in the wrong. Because he's a bad person, who doesn't actually care about you. He gives no shits about you. He. Does. Not. Care.

Sorry some posts are giving you a hard time OP.

My word, so your husband has hurt you deeply, you got a little out of control and let your feelings bubble over and they all gang up on you and make you feel more like shit.

And you should never apologise for this, it's not wrong for your emotions to come out.

Shame on your husband telling you, YOU, it's the last straw, when it's his behaviour that's caused you your grief, shame, shame, shame on him.

Are you seeing a therapist on your own? The fact you even felt you should do something to make up to them and also that you allowed your husband to say these things, after it was him that should be on his last straw, says you may have self esteem issues.

Him and his father sound exactly the same, like a real piece of work.

Yes they are a piece of work.
Unfortunately, I am in a bad financial position at the moment so I'll have to limit my own counselling to once a month.

I am planning to see someone on my own. Not the marriage counsellor who my husband has also charmed.

You are all very correct, I have horribly low self esteem.

Unfortunately I have been using clothes, make-up and the gym to make myself feel better which has been working on the surface. But, I am aware that the self esteem issues really do still exist.

And how is your h being with you now, you said you were still getting the cold shoulder?

Can you access therapy through the NHS? You can self refer in most places through the IAPT. Have a little look.

I am planning to see someone on my own. Not the marriage counsellor who my husband has also charmed.

Is he very manipulative? It's not going to work for you if he's charming the therapist and you feel like this.

Things you've said, such as this.......
While we were there he was being really tough on me like his dad.
Really stands out. He's tough on you, your not his child, your his partner and equal, however they seem to treat you as an inferior.

The things you say that he gaslighted you and the way he treated and does treat you, you deserve better then to feel like this.

See about accessing therapy for you on your own and work on your issues with his infedelity and also your own self esteem.
You have nothing to be sorry for, you're only human and you've been badly hurt and you allowed that hurt to show.

I don't know why, I have read awful things here before, much worse then this, but your posts really move me and I just wish I could give you a hug and tell you you're good enough.

OP... you might want to look into low cost counselling in your area. It can be as little as £20/£25 a session if available.

Also regarding the make up and the gym... fake it till you make it. Keep on doing that. Looking good on the outside can give you inner confidence.

The sub-conscious of my mind is certainly been impacted. I have very scary dreams reliving all the nightmares and sometimes I wake up shouting. But I am not conscious.

There is just so much traumatizing events in my mind.

Then you never were in a good place when you went down to FIL's for Christmas.

I just read that his girlfriend bullied you, and he appears to do it too. He's an abuser, you really do need therapy on your own.

I am using the NHS IAPT and I called in December, they had appointments for then, but I couldn't make them, I see my therapist next week (and I had to have a specific one for long term illness).
The waits are not always long, and I really feel you need to have some one on one time and work on your self esteem. This man bullies you and allows and gets off on others treating you badly too.

Suggest cutting the couples session down and using the money to pay for counselling for you every 2 weeks.

The gym, clothes, suppression of emotion etc sound like the “pick me dance”

My dear, you have totally papered over the cracks here, you have been expected to just get over it when your h is refusing to take full responsibility for what he has done.

you are turning yourself inside out to try to get yourself to accept this as it is and move on..

but you are not the one who has done any wrong to put right. you have been bullied by the Gf, by your H and now by his family.

I'm critical of my DS for example, but woe betide anyone who tries to criticise him. normal instinct for anyone would be to defend you.

he joined them.

My love, you have practically no chance of making this work.

End the couples counselling, it's not backing you strongly enough and focus on getting individual therapy

THAT HE CAN FUCKING WELL PAY FOR

Hissy is right. you sound desperate to repair this, when it is him who should be desperate.
He has "charmed" the councillor,
Sounds like he is simply a bully. I suggest you save the money you can't afford on couples therapy, which is NEVER advised when manipulation is involved & use it to move far away from him