Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

You keep remembering what you just said......

at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What are your plans to potentially ruin your husband's career?

Are you intending to tell tales on your cheating husband too?

You are focussing on the wrong person. The other woman is not the one you should be angry at. Also surely gossip will reflect badly on your husband?

My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company?

^Yep. Although your husband is the one that betrayed you, why should the OW get away with getting involved with a married man. She deserves a bit of karma, skanky cow.

I remember your last thread on this. Why don't you thinking your husband will face the same backlash?

Excuse me for being so blunt but, fuck her. She walked herself into the shit so she can sit there and smell it.

Why would you talk to your colleagues about this anyway? It’s nothing to do with them is it?

Why would you talk to OW's manager? Just to spite the OW? That's pretty poor behaviour in my book. Not least as this type of thing could easily backfire - do you want to be the subject of gossip and watercooler discussions at the head office of your company? How does that reflect on you? Do you want to be judged against her?

Put your emotional energy into your relationship with your DH instead

My DH would definitely also face backlash, but he has reached the top of his profession within the company so it would not impact on his professional progression.

OW, on the other hand, is relatively young and has plenty of career progression ahead of her.

I'd not do anything in the heat of the moment. Does the OW know that you know?

I also wouldn't be too sure that spreading the word would have the effect you think - if she's not broken any policies or protocols then I doubt the company would take any action. And whilst people may well privately support you and "take your side", in any large company most people are too well aware of the adverse effects of office politics to be too outspoken about their views on what is, at the end of the day, a private matter.

Personally I'd make sure the OW was aware that you are on to her and that you wouldn't hesitate to "go public" if there is any repeat behaviour, but leave the rest of it for the time being and see how things pan out.

If you want to work on your marriage, then making your marriage issues public knowledge within the workplace may backfire - your H works there too and might not be too happy that his behaviour has become the latest office gossip. Not that he deserves anything else, but if you think there is a chance of working on your relationship, then publicly humiliating him in his workplace might not be the best course of action.

Do you want to open your husband up to a potential sexual harrasment complaint for his involvement with a junior colleague? Are your workmates all sexist and unprofessional enough to penalise a woman whilst leaving the man involved alone? Are you happy with everybody in your workplace knowing what a sleazy shit your husband is? If so then go for it, sounds like it will work out really well

Let me explain this better, OW's manager is a close friend of mine. Our DC play together. She is not just a random colleague.

I would

I think you are very naive to think you can tell tales on this woman and expect her managers to 'take your side' (this is a vanishingly rare thing to EVER happen IME), treat her poorly in the office and impede her professional progress. What has her conduct with your husband got to do with her ability to do her job?

My DH would definitely also face backlash, but he has reached the top of his profession within the company so it would not impact on his professional progression.

What if that wasn't the case and he was at the same level as this woman?

Would you tell your manager then?

Sorry, I meant 'her' manager?

No I wouldn’t. It would be highly unprofessional in my book. Why bring that drama to the office?

You're putting your friend in a really awkward situation if you do this.

Do you have another friend you can confide in?

Unless she is the only close friend you have that you can confide in, leave her out of it. She probably would prefer to be left out of it anyway. And I'd hope that she wouldn't be so unprofessional as to take steps to sabotage the OW's career on the basis of a personal issue - though she might end up having to support the OW with a claim of sexual harassment against your DH

Bit embarrassing to let other people know your husband’s been playing away, especially if you’re planning to stay with him.

If you’re considering ruining this woman’s career, you must be quite angry about the whole thing and should think about whether you’re really willing to forgive him.

I would tell your friend (OW manager).
What she chooses to do with that information is then up to her.
Does OW know that you know of the EA?

Surely your husband reports to someone even if it is the stakeholders. You are going to put your friend / colleague in a difficult situation. It's nothing to do with her.

And don't expect the OW hasn't got evidence against your husband that you've not seen yet ...

Actually it could backfire massively OP

Especially if this woman is treated awfully at work and prevented from progressing, due to the fact your DH can't stay faithful to you.

Don't assume everyone will turn against her. Plenty of more fair minded people might take her side and how will you feel then?

I wouldn't OP. Focus on your marriage and forget about her.

Ewww, it sounds like your husband took advantage of her?