Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

NCed, I commented on your other thread and have wondered how you were doing. You were terrified that he would run to OW if you made him leave. You can’t trust him, so you are trying to ‘control’ the situation by setting up circumstances that will force OW to leave the workplace. Don’t waste your time and energy on her.

The real threat here is your remorseless husband who said that he has every right to have feelings for other women, and that kissing/love exchanges do not equal an affair. He offered you no empathy. Of course you feel panicked and insecure. He is an entitled narcissist whose definition of fidelity does not match yours.

I could not relax around this man for even a second and would not live this way.

I would class kissing as cheating. Once the trust has been broken, it is very difficult to move forward together.

I understand your anger, I really do. I've been there. Initially, I blamed the OW mainly. But once I got my head around it all, which took a while, I realised he was the one I should be truly angry with.

He broke my trust, shattered our marriage vows and disrespected me. He even blamed me! She was nobody to me. She owed me nothing. She had to live with herself knowing she had sex with a married man.

The trust was gone. There was no hope. He then became a stranger. I deserved better. I thought he was the love of my life. The love of my life would never cheat, emotionally or sexually.

You deserve better!

Oh and yes I know I would ‘feel’ exactly as you do OP , but knowing as I do that it can go horribly wrong would leave it in my head!!

Was it your DH who couldn't understand why you were so upset about it?

He didn't see the issue as he hadn't 'acted' on his feelings and felt it was ok to have feelings for an OW?

Sorry if I'm wrong.

Any chance you could just accidentally shred a load of very important documents of hers when nobody is about? 👯‍♀️

Nobody likes snitches. And, no matter how much you think the OW boss and you are friends, you're not, it's just business. Nobody will respect you for not being able to handle your private life. This will reflect very badly on you if you try to get her in trouble.

If you both worked for me, I would have more of a problem with a spiteful, vindictive employer, than a misguided, naieve one who gets into a compromised position with a married colleague.

Emoyee*

My ex dh has an emotional affair with a kiss (I found out later ur was a lit more), so I know how painful it is..

But if you throw the ow to the wolves at work, you’re also inadvertently throwing your dh in there too.. gossip will always get around.

I’d remain dignified and focus on what you plan to do with your marriage.

As opposed to a moral less, unprofessional slapper who happily gets close to married men at work?

Nice misogyny there.

These feelings are normal for a betrayed spouse.

Having more dislike or hate for the OW/OM.... It's easier to hate the person you don't have a shared history with. You have seen the good in your spouse and have good memories...and perhaps a family with.

All you know of the OW... is they were a third party in your marriage. There's nothing positive about the OW... so it's natural for a BS to negative feelings and want the OP to face some consequences. That doesn't mean the WH/WW will not also face consequences.

Just as the OW/OM had no regard or thought for the BW/BH during the affair...the BW/BH has no regard for the OW/OM.

Haven’t read all the posts, but would say to tread carefully- the people you work with are unlikely to be true friends and you are perhaps being naive to think they will take your side over hers. Most will just want to get on with their jobs and aren’t going to rock the boat and risk own rep- especially if your husband is very senior! They might think your marriage is totally on the rocks and think he could end up taking up with the other woman, or you yourself will end up leaving.
Focus on your marriage if you want to, or alternatively start again.

Fuck the pair of them! But you can't really go for her and not him, that's a bit sad.

You coukd very well lose your friend over this too. You are putting them in a very difficult position and they could very well back off as a result.

OP, you are so immature and unprofessional, I'm surprised you have a career at all.

Tbh I don't think you should keep quiet to "protect your dignity " and other bullshit. If she is a friend that you would normally go to anyways (like if the affair was with someone outside of work) then it's fine to talk things out. You didn't do anything wrong,there's nothing to be ashamed of .

However it also wouldn't be right to tell her with the expectation/hope that there will be backlash on the OW. So if that's the only reason why you would tell her , it's better for everyone involved,including the friend to keep her out of it.

Tell your friend.

There are LOTS of ways this could pan out...

You have friends at the company - but so does she. You go after her, they'll stand up for her.

Just because people like you to your face, doesn't mean you know how they really feel about you. There will be some people who will be sympathetic to your face, and saying things like, "Of course he did - she's such a (insert offensive name) it's hardly a surprise, I'd do the same if I was married to her!" behind your back.

There'll be some, "OW is so lovely, you can see why he fancied that compared to the wife!"

There'll be some, "Poor OW, Pervy Pete grom the top floor strikes again!"

There'll be some who are genuinely sympathetic - but can't wait to discuss it.

There'll be some who will pity you for not being able to keep your husband happy at home, and openly question why he's looked outside of the marriage and the failing will be presented as yours, because sexism is still rife.

There'll be some who'll give no shits at all.

Worst of all - the pitying glances and conversations that stop when you walk in.

You'd look petty, bitter and undignified - and you'd ALL be gossiped about, your H, the OW and you, and not all of it will be sympathetic.

You categorically don't know the full story. Admit to something small to keep hiding the big secrets. He knows, and the OW knows what actually happened. I guarantee you only know the bare minimum. There will be people at your company who already know more about this affair than you do.

Way too much backfire potential.

Cool is right. Work out what you want to do for yourself long term. If it was me I would be looking for another job, or if you really want to save marriage have husband move elsewhere.

Keep your dignity. Your concern is your husband and his behaviour. He could've told this woman anything, she probably thought they were in love. Maybe shes just some naive idiot... shes not going have a happy life anyway if she keeps on after unavailable men... you dont need to do anything I'm sure she is suffering.

Any anger you direct at her is anger taken away from the real culprit. It's your husband who has betrayed you.
I wouldn't go telling people at work about because then you have to contend with people judging the situation and whatever you decide to do...

Sorry you are going through this

I would drag the OW by her short and curlies in to a corner and let her know that you know what has gone on with your husband..... tell her that you won't tell anyone else at work but if she needs to back off ..... I would probably give her a mouthful...but ultimately tell her to back off and leave you to sort out your marriage with your husband. You need to see if you can trust your husband again, try counseling to see if you can get to the bottom of why he did it..... obviously give him a really fucking hard time about it. Until you can trust him again you need to have him by his short and curlies

Chances are if it hadn't been the OW at work it would have been some OW....they are both to blame but you need to concentrate on trying to fix your marriage rather than getting caught up in anger for the OW difficult i know.... been there got the tee shirt

I personally wouldn’t challenge her. Not in a work environment. What’s it going to achieve??

"I would drag the OW by her short and curlies in to a corner and let her know that you know what has gone on with your husband....."

Two issues with this. The OP only knows what her DH has told her. In this situation the OW has the upper hand because she ACTUALLY knows what has gone on.

The other issue is the OW would be well within her rights to make a formal complaint against the OP if she accosted her in the workplace, more so because the OP is her senior and the affair is not work related.

There is also the risk that the OW could laugh in her face and tell her some unpleasant truths.

Never assume that someone will be contrite, intimidated or have the same version of events.

Do you really need everyone knowing what's happened just for the sake of a bit of revenge? I think your husband is the one who needs a kicking, not her.

This is likely to be a troll. Don't waste your time everyone.