Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

And it's not just an EA, given that they've kissed too.

Fuck her.

To the extent it doesn’t affect your career, go for it.

Do not rush it!! Name her in the divorce papers or whatever, and then wait for people to come to you for details. Leak it in small bits

Honestly - fuck your husband, and fuck her too.

I don't think people in the office will take sides or want to get involved, it is unlikely people would make her working life hell to make her leave. I'd be concentrating on what your DH has done to you. Do you really think that you can forgive and forget what he's done?

And if she claims sexual harassment?

Whatever happened your husband took advantage of a younger female colleague, it never is acceptable in a corporate, and now you want to ruin her career for it.

Quite honestly the pair of you are sickening.

I get why you are bitter about this OW but as pp have already said this will also impact on your DH too.
Of you plan to leave your marriage then meh do it.
If not maybe hang fire and cool down some cold revenge is sweeter.
I've worked my way up in my career too but always run on the basis that I don't step on others on my way up, always imagine I may cross paths again one day and not have the upper hand.
It may be worth holding this one if this is a industry you plan to stay in, keep your enemies closer and all that .

To clarify a couple of points.

OW knows I know, DH ended things with her a few days after I found the messages, and explained why.

She is younger than DH, but still around 30 and at managerial level, so hardly a helpless girl. I don't think DH took advantage of her.

You're airing your dirty laundry in public. It's incredibly unprofessional to involve all of your colleagues and friends in your personal relationship with your husband.

Your husband is the one you should be punishing if you want to be that petty. But personally I wouldn't even bother with that.

You should be spending your emotional energy on trying to fix your relationship if that's what you want. After all, husband has obviously had his head turned for a reason. Is there something lacking in your relationship that you can both work on together. Or is he just a twat who would go after the first bit of skirt that turned his head. If that's the case then you need to think about leaving.

What on Earth will this achieve?

Will you feel better if her career is ruined? Will you enjoy being the focus of office gossip?

I can understand how hurt you must be, but get a grip now and don’t lower yourself to looking like the crazy scorned wife.

Direct your anger at husband.

Sorry, OP but I think you are going to embarrass yourself by acting highly unprofessional. You should focus your attention on solving your marital problems instead. It was indeed your husband who was unfaithful to you, not her.

Op, she isn't your problem he is.

And I work for a large corporate. People won't take sides, they will think he's a sleaze ball and senior management may try to force him to resign if it's shown h s been messing with mor junior members of staff

Plus everyone will think they had sex and you will both be the subject of gossip.

This will back fire on you hugely.

She isn't your problem or who you need to punish. Focus on dealing with your marital issues and forget her. She could have been anyone

Personally I think you should use your energy either rebuilding your marriage or your future on your own. This revenge malarkey is probably being driven by the 'ego' which will feel good for about 5 minutes but you'll regret it when the shit storm ensues at work.

I know you’re going to get a lot of people saying it was your DH totally at fault (I agree he was at fault) and OW is innocent party (bollocks), but yes, I would tell your friend. She should have thought about all that!

If she's such a good friend why would you put her in this position anyway, asking her to compromise her professionalism due to your vendetta, opening herself up to accusations of bullying, HR complaints etc. And it doesn't matter how old OW is, if your husband is as senior as you say then there is a power imbalance. Don't assume OW would take it lying down if she finds herself the only one being punished.

You sound understandably bitter OP but to consider ruining the OW's career is unprofessional and spiteful, actually really vile. Grow up and direct your anger at your husband at home. Keep work out of it.

If you use your friendships and seniority to turn people against her and wreck her career then she'd be well advised to take a grievance out which would be even more embarrassing.

I get that you are hurt and angry - I would be too but why wash your dirty linen in public and humiliate yourself?

Don't put your personal life in company gossip. It won't turn out well for any of you.

If you tell your friend its because she is your friend not because she can dish out consequences for the behaviour of her or your husband.

I do feel for you, working in close proximity of partners is no fun when it's crap.

I've seen this backfire at work. You don't know what she has. She could claim harassment as others have said.

I don't know why you would bring your work into this. It could backfire against all of you.

Jesus. It isn't her fault some sleazy bloke came on to her. He is the one that should be judged not her. She didn't make any vows.

Has your husband accepted that it was an affair yet? What's he doing to fix things? I read your other thread and it seems you're still deflecting. That said, I wouldn't strive hard to stop details leaking out and damaging OW's reputation at work (or his for that matter). Actions have consequences.

Hmm....

I wouldnt set out to destroy her career. It won’t do you any good tbh. You won’t feel better about the whole thing etc...

However, I would NOT hide what has happened to a close friend because she happens to also be the OW’s manager.
If you feel like speaking to your fiends is what you need (you need the emotional support or advice etc...) and those people are working with her, managing her or whatever, then so be it. I wouod say it’s also true with whoever is working with your DH and the consequence on how they will look at him from no on.

Imo there is no reason to keep that sort of thing a secret. It actually plays in the favour of the cheating party and against the cheated party.

Why would you want all your dirty laundry aired at work? Keep some dignity and keep your private life private.

If you are considering telling the OW's manager, then you should also tell your DH's manager too.

Seriously though, don't be 'that' woman who turns all bitter and twisted. People will see right through you.

Direct your anger/energy towards your DH. Either work on leaving the spineless knob or work on your marriage.

Have you told your husband what you're planning on doing? Because this will humiliate him at work, as well as you, and that is a marriage ender right there. If you wish to end thr marriage then that's fine, but there were two of them, only one was committed to you him, and both will face thr back lash.

In addition she likely has more power here. She just needs to say he's been sexually harassing her, she felt flattered but didn't know what to do, and it is game over for him.

So your H, in a position very senior to this woman, got involved with her despite the power differential? And then (if you carry out your plan) his wife, also senior to her, spreads gossip in order to ruin her career?

There is the potential for a very dim view indeed to be taken of the behaviour of both of you - deservedly.

what do you think of your husband turning his attentions to a younger, junior colleague?