Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

Don't be so sure they'll take sides at all. How would you feel if your friend advised you to keep it out of work and that she'd have to remain neutral (which she does).

What if she then promotes OW at some point? Awkward. You'd be putting your friend in a horrible position.

Kick the cheating bastard into touch. Emotional affair my arse. Aren't they all

I’d be careful. You might find in telling the office about the OW that the OW actually gets BETTER treatment, for fear of any potential claim being brought against the employer, where the manager treats her differently because of a personal matter.

Your husband cheated on you. She’s just the vessel (sorry) used to do so. Focus on him and don’t make yourself seem crazy by spreading what will only be perceived generally as gossip as opposed to gospel truth (even where it is the truth).

If you wanted to fix your marriage, why would you want to go and do this? I agree, that you may feel powerful at first but you would seriously regret it. It won't look good on you at all.

How old is he op? How old are you?

We are both early 40s.

Ok then the age difference isn't too bad, that's one thing at least.

Keep it private. Don't air your dirty linen in public.

Also, while some people might take the "shameless hussy" line, she is a younger, junior member of staff who has a phone full of potentially sexually harassing messages from a person in a position of power and authority over her. I know that is not how you see it, but you could potentially unleash a wholly different set of consequences.

Keep your privacy and dignity intact.

And does he acknowledge yet what he's done, is he taking responsibility, is he seeking to reassure you? Because shabby as her behaviour is, she's really not your problem.

I fucking would

First of all it’s a terrible thing to do to your friend if, a big if too, she didn’t know about it already. She could be accused of bullying and harassment. Otherwise she is in an awkward work situation.

I would take a step back because office affairs are just never secret. People know and have stayed neutral and quiet. All you will do is create a situation where your DH is publicly compromised and so is your friend if she didn’t know already.

I’m sorry but this is human nature and although people will see you as a friend, they won’t put their job or career at risk by getting involved. That’s how your DH kept it quiet.

If you want to save your marriage or if you want to move on gracefully, steer clear of vengeful drama.

So she's much more junior and far younger.

If work find out, all the backlash will come on to her.

DH, who is older, more experienced and technically her superior at work would get a few funny looks but nothing else.

No. Keep your personal life personal. If friends ask, don't tell them who it is. She made a very bad call but SHE didn't make vows yo you, a life with you continue sleeping with you etc.

I also think that it could affect your friendship with the manager if you were to feel that she wasn't taking your side enough. Because although she'll be angry and upset for you, it's likely she won't want to take sides and stay professional.

OP, why do you want to be used like this by a man who is looking for a younger model. It's obviously what he wants, so why stay with him when you'll be looking over your shoulder all the time, or of course you might be happy to turn a blind eye.

Think you might be surprised OP at how your close work colleagues may respond.

They might both want to get involved as it then potentially affects their own career development.

You want to try to end another woman’s career for 50% of one kiss? You sounds mad. If I were your friend and you came to me, not for sympathy and friendship but to be a tool for you to use for revenge I would not be happy.

You know his side of the story. I take it she’s younger and junior. Regardless of your clouded view of her he has taken advantage of his position.

If you do this to your friend you will likely find that not only will she not exact revenge for you, but she’ll have to speak to her (and possibly your) manager as she has a duty of care to this woman. Whether she likes her or not.

If she did agree to do this, since the kiss is now known about, the woman could easily raise a grievance against your friend. And when it was upheld (as it would be if she’s been discrimated against for no work related reason) your friend would be most likely to lose her job. Your friend would probably name you, but as you would have cynically used her to do your dirty work you’d probably retain your job while your friend lost hers. You’d have that on your conscience.

This woman responded to your husbands advances - you have no idea what lies he told her. Focus on him. Not her.

I would tell my friends even if she is her manager! It would probably make me tell her more as she knows who you're on about and might have more information (like OW discussed your DH without naming him)

If anyone deserves for their career to suffer its your DH, abusing his higher position in the company to sexually harass a woman in a junior position.

You said in your first post the kiss was a few months ago then said it was after the Xmas party when they were alone which was the beginning of December. So has there been more than one kiss?

I think uou also need to accept that when two people have an office affair, thy don't view it like you are viewing it, that the woman is to blame, she should b gossiped about, sides taken.

I'm a senior manager, and if I was your friend, I woildnt act at work unless you wished to put in a formal complaint at work to hr, and I'd just feel desperately sorry for you.

On your side, I strongly recommend that you think your friend already knows or suspects your husband is over the side and chasing young women at work.

Deal with your husband however you see fit. Plotting and drooling over how you might ruin this other woman's life for the sake of a kiss and some inappropriate flirting makes you seem like not a very nice person at all. It's a totally disproportionate, misdirected response that smacks of bullying. As a wise woman once said, "when they go low, you go high". Have some class or throw your moral high ground in the bin for the sake of some bitchy vengeance - your choice.

Also how does it reflect on your professionally if you're going running to your mate to take revenge on the woman who hurt you. It's all a bit highschool

What twistedsnitch said. Your husband is in the position of authority/power here. She is a junior member of staff. Has he got form for this?

Shesabetter husband admitted kissing her a few months ago for the first time and then spending time alone with her after the Christmas party, but swears it never went beyond a kiss.

I would yes direct your anger at your DH but she's not some innocent party...she knew your DH was married!

She definitely knew my husband was married to me.