Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

Maybe your friend already knows, and is in an awkward position too with not being able to tell you and visa versa if you were to tell them. Also your husband if senior in the company will lose all respect and credibility too if you take this further. You need to sort this out with your husband it’s him you are married to.

Does anyone else in the firm know about this 'emotional affair'? If they don't, I'd just leave things as they are but tell my husband I'm not happy about it! It will fizzle out.

Your husband is at fault. Anyone else's involvement in your marriage is not in question here.

Additionally, I work in large global corporate at a level similar to yours and it certainly seems to me to be a classic case of unethical behaviour on his part. Senior colleague/junior colleague power dynamic.

If anyone has a 'good faith' report about unethical behaviour of any kind in my place of work, they are encouraged to speak up. They take very seriously all concerns raised, including allegations of retaliation. Your husband's actions may impact on him far more than you think.

The company may have discussions with relevant work colleagues, Business Leadership, Human Resources, or conduct formal investigations.

You are opening a Pandora's box and should proceed cautiously IMHO.

I think you're VERY naive thinking it's only an emotional affair! "Not crossing the line" could simply mean no full intercourse. Still plenty of other things could have happened. And actually EA and kissing is bad enough! I'd dump his arse!

I've been in your position, it all came out and it did negatively affect both ex's and ow's career. I got shit for it even though I'd said nothing! Someone at work had seen them.

It's no more than they both deserve, but here's an even better proposition (in my opinion), don't say anything...yet, but let them both think you might!

The fear of you saying something but not knowing when that might be is far worse than it being over & done quickly!

Also timing is everything - just as she's up for a promotion might be more effective, or waiting till you have professional dirt on her.

Also timing is everything - just as she's up for a promotion might be more effective, or waiting till you have professional dirt on her

Wtf? You do realise that unethical as well? Could still lead to a legal case?

Behaviour is unethical or it's not. Waiting until it make a bigger impact or targeting her work so they have a professional reason to trash her is still unethical. And if the OW keeps proof of the affair, the op and anyone else involved will be in the shit.

People usually don't want to be involved in other people's marriage issues or affairs - your friend might cool your friendship rather than be embroiled. She might not take against the OW. It can seem that there is something lacking in the one who was betrayed, life is not fair.

When will you be happy though?
When will you stop?

This idea is ridiculous

Your dh will look sleazy

People in the office will chat over it and treat it as office gossip they can revel in

You will be acting in a manner so unprofessional people could question whether you should hold your position

The woman could work out what’s going on and go to HR

Your friend would put her own career on the line for this?

All sounds nuts. Just direct your energy to the person who did it to you

It could well not be real I wouldn’t be surprised

Do you have to work directly with the OW? what about a pre-emptive strike with HR in the guise of being professional and protecting yourself from her potential behaviour..perhaps you could have a chat with HR about your worries that you will be disadvantaged /worried about a personal reaction from her now that the affair is ended and you want to make sure you are not professionally impacted due to her lack of.

Would also mean dumping your DH in it, but meh...

OP take the advice of the majority here. Workplace affairs are rife. Nobody really cares. Gossip is all that will happen. OW will fight back too and dish the dirt, he may get accused of harassment, or you might.

I hope if you do this and, particularly if you don't treat your husband in the same way, that this OW goes all out on you for using your work connections for a personal vendetta.

If the ow has a professional fuck up that can be used against her in her history, she's only herself to blame.

There's ways of dealing with people like this.

Hardly "ethical" for her to be fucking about with op's husband! Nor to pull such shit with a work colleague! Karma!

Coolaschmoola sums it up pretty perfectly for me.

Glad you’ve taken the advice given / general consensus - this is a horrible betrayal of trust by your husband

I can understand your anger totally but agree with PPs the anger should be at him not her. Exposing the OW and the EA could backfire so easily, make you feel terrible afterwards and could push then together even. And you dont know what DH has told OW about the state of your marriage do you? Put energy into saving marriage. I also agree people in office wont want to get involved they’ll just keep their heads down (i work in a global corporate firm). I’d probably tell the ow manager as my friend but it could put her in a difficult position. Your DH is the one to be angry with make him be sorry and watched fatal attraction as someone hilariously suggested! Wishing you well

Sounds like you want to get back in control of your marriage by punishing the OW but that's never going to work in the longer term because you now know that your DH is not to be trusted around junior female colleagues.
What will you do when he fancies a bit of fun with another colleague?
He's discovered the pleasures of a secret liaison, where he effectively loses nothing when getting found out other than you questioning him a bit more frequently. He'll simply learn to cover his tracks better next time.

Forget about the OW and focus on your marriage.
Is it really saveable?
I think you're being very naive regarding your DH probably because you're desperately hoping that you can get back to previous status quo but everything has changed since you found out another side to your DH and the trust is broken, for now.

I've been there and it took about a year of desperately trying to make it work before accepting our marriage was over. Luckily for me, I sorted my financial position out before ending it but I know lots of women who become blindfold wearing doormats just to keep their husband and end up losing financially because he's the one that initiates the split, after he set up his row of ducks first.

How you move on is your choice, but you really need to look after yourself and forget involving others in the drama as you'll likely regret it longer term.

If the ow has a professional fuck up that can be used against her in her history, she's only herself to blame.

There's ways of dealing with people like this.

Hardly "ethical" for her to be fucking about with op's husband! Nor to pull such shit with a work colleague! Karma!

Well @Graphista yes it is all the OW fault isn't it? What about the OPs DH? If he is in a senior position where is his karma and losing of his job exactly?

Very easy to pick on the OW isn't it.

You can't assume people will take sides. It rarely happens this way as people outside the situation assess it with a much cooler head. If I was your friend and you told me about this I don't think it would affect how I treat her. Of course to you I would sympathise deeply but I'm aware that we all make mistakes and treating her poorly would feel like I felt superior.

Hardly "ethical" for her to be fucking about with op's husband! Nor to pull such shit with a work colleague! Karma!

No it's not. Who said it was? However u ethical behaviour can really be damaging.

Simply facts are that in a professional setting, ethics can be huge deal for senior staff. I am not talking moral. I am talking professional ethics. Its 2 different things.

Ops husband is senior. He has chased a younger woman who is below him at work. His professional ethics are leaving the company vulnerable.

If the op then tries to trash the woman's career, her professional ethics would leaving the company open to a sexual harassment suit.

If the ops husband career remains intact. The company could get fucked over if the OW decided her careee isn't going to take all the flack for this.

And what happens when she does do that. The OP and her husband's professional ethics are called into question and the company sacrifice them to try and get their reputation in the shit.

The op is handing the OW more power if she fucks her over. She is making herself more vulnerable .

And I would have had more sympathy for op had she not been quote happy that sexisim means her husband career would be unhurt. That's fucked up.

If you want any hope of saving your marriage OP, you'll keep it between you.

Regardless of how long you've worked somewhere, you're putting your colleagues/friends in an awkward position.

You will never be able to bury it because of other people's opinions, both at work and in your home life as people will know, make judgements and stick their tuppence worth in, sometimes when it's not wanted.

It's going to take time to heal things with your husband, but if you both want them to heal then they will, but not if you involve others and try to ruin this girls career.

Revenge isn't always sweet and could back forever. The biggest revenge you can serve, is to show her that she's completely meaningless by rising above it and working it out with your OH. IMO anyway.

I’d tell everyone and fuck up both their careers in your position OP. The OW is just as skanky as the DH - building up to fuck a married man whose wife she knew and worked in the same company as!

If you hadn’t found the messages, it probably would have developed into a sexual affairif it hadn’t already (cheaters only admit what they have to). Why didn’t he stop messaging her after the kiss if he cared about his marriage? Major boundary crossed right there.

I’d fuck them both over and ditch him .

As this all happened over a year ago, I'm not sure any more advice is needed.

I would let everyone know ....about her AND him. Then leave him. Why not ? I'm pretty sure they weren't considering YOU while having a little "kiss".

No you should not......she is much younger and your husband he is in senior position and is in the wrong here. Leave well alone and concentrate on your marriage

ZOMBIE THREAD!!