Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

You would be daft to do this - it would reflect badly on you the bitter wife who behaved unprofessionally and the stupid older male. Your family would suffer so please don’t do this as you have been through enough.

I think everyone would lose respect for all 3 of you. You want to hurt her (I would too) but it’ll bounce back in the form of how you are viewed. People will see it as gossip or washing dirty washing in public and you’ll all 3 be the subject of lots of office chat. She’ll prob resign and move on (she’s got options being more junior) but what about you and DH?

Your focus should be DH, why he did it and how (if you can) you trust again. Men make out they’ve been ‘swept away’ and were helpless victims when this stuff happens. It’s bollocks, you know when you’re straying, he needs to take responsibility and grow the fuck up.

Been in a similar situation and know how crap it feels.

Wtf?! You would ruin someone's career. That's awful and bitter and I would judge you.

Focus your anger on your DH.

It's your H who is to blame. He had a choice and he made his choice.

I'm not sure how this would stop her career. It's nothing to do with work. Plus she could have her managers up for harassment if they treated her differently or didn't give her the opportunities other equals were given.

Put your energy into your relationship.

So you feel your husbands job is safe. Your job is safe.

But you want her to pay for this with career.

Chances are that, if yiuvstart spreading the gossip you career will be impacted. Your husbands will be, because he will be seen as the dirty old man using influence and she might walk away with a tidy sum or even a promotion if she threatens to sue.

She was wrong. But making hee pay for it with her career when you seem quote happy for your husbands career to walk away intact is total mysognistic thinking. I can't believe you would be ok with that.

OW and DH work in completely different departments, so there is no reporting line between them

Cmon. You're not that naive. He's a senior man hitting on a more junior female. You know it doesn't matter if she reports to him, it's an abuse of power all day long.

Honestly you really. Are deluding youtself if you think people will ostracise this woman and make her leave because your husband was leaving on her.

So you want to use your position at work to damage her reputation or career? That is so unprofessional, I would think it would affect your credibility.

Your OH is the unfaithful twat here, are you going to do this to every woman he has an EA with?

Have some dignity, she knows you know, deal with him don’t be the gossip of the office because you are the woman scorned out for revenge.

Don’t put your friend into a difficult position to make yourself feel better.

Dangerous territory to bring it,out into the open.

Dh could be seen as leading ow on, and be done for sexual misconduct.

You could be seen as a trouble maker.

HR may have ‘words’ with the guilty parties, but they probably don’t have any further action they can take.

Also, if it does become popular knowledge, then it may only be a five day wonder anyway, and people will soon move on.

I would.

There may well be a second phone somewhere. Look carefully - locker at the gym or an office drawer.
This sounds more than a EA..
You're humiliated and I understand why, but your DH has a lot to lose here too. I'd focus your energy on him and your relationship, instead of looking for revenge.

If I was her manager and heard about this I’d be wanting to know what the head honchos planned to do about him. It’s a clear abuse of power in the workplace and I’d feel obliged to protect my staff.

And if I was your friend I’d feel terribly sorry for you and wonder why you wanted to extract your revenge from her while staying with the man who wronged you.

OP I’m sorry for you but don’t tell - it’s a very risky (and unprofessional) thing to do.

If a friend at work told me anything like this I would feel duty bound to inform others more senior than me of the conversation and both yours and your husband’s careers could be damaged:
your husband’s behaviour is far from acceptable at the least it reflects poorly on his judgment and leaves him (and the organisation) open to sexual harassment allegations
Wanting to sabotage someone else’s career for purely personal reasons could be considered workplace harassment.
You have know real idea of what really happened. Although the OW hasn’t behaved properly your husband is way way more to blame.
Careful what you wish for...

Sorry OP it isn't nice what you've found out but is it really fair trying to ruin her career when your husband gets to keep his and then keep his family life too?

Yes she's crossed a line and in no way is she blameless but she isn't the person who you share your vows with. I'm normally the person who says fuck the OW but I don't think flirty messages and one kiss is something which should ruin a woman's life.

Is your friend even allowed to make life difficult for her because of this? Is there a no relationship in the workplace rule because if there isn't you're just putting her in an awkward position and opening her up for complaints to HR about unfair behaviour.

She's your close friend op so why would you not speak to her about it?
Regardless that she's the ow's boss she's also your close friend and I'm sure she would want to support you and help you figure out what you want.
I wouldn't put myself out by keeping it a secret from her just in case it damages the ow's career, the silly woman should have thought about that before engaging with your husband (I'm hoping soon to be ex husband). Sod her.

Is the person you want to tell a friend outside of work? And would you normally tell her private stuff and confide in her?

I think you would be doing the wrong thing, do you honestly want everyone looking at you knowing what’s happened in your private life?? People make all sorts of horrible judgements ‘oh I wonder why they were so unhappy he looked elsewhere’, ‘I don’t want to work closely with him on anything’, ‘he’s a sleaze’, believe me they won’t all just see your side. Also, have more dignity, I couldn’t ruin someone’s career for something that was my husband’s fault, he’s the married one. It’s an awful position to put your friend in too, that’s not being much of a friend to her is it?

Morningcuppa yes she is a friend outside work, we always talk about personal stuff.

No I wouldn’t. It would be highly unprofessional in my book. Why bring that drama to the office?

This would be seriously vindictive , when the person you should be angry with is your DH. It could also backfrire and impact your career.

I think also if you do tell your friend, she will tell the need to inform her boss and hr. she needs to protect herself as she cannot be seen in any way to be abusing her position of power to penalise this woman or to gossip about her. In addition the company needs to ensure they never send this woman to work for your husband.

I'd also assume that your company is like mine and any relationships need To be declared. This woman now has power over your husband. As such at the least he will be spoken to by hr. at worst this is disciplinary for both of them. Unless she says he was abusing his power and she felt her career would have been negatively impacted if she outright rejected him

The bottom line is she very likely holds the power here and he was a stupid man. And you're about to prove you're as bad as him.

The pair of you need to leave her alone
For your own sakes.

Kind of sounds like your Husband shouldn't be in such a senior position. If he's not capable of being responsible and professional and having appropriate boundaries.

I get why people would be angry at the woman who their husband cheated with but what I can't get is how when they forgive their husband they still have this idea about making the one outside the marriage pay. Surely if you've forgiven the one who's cheated on you and are staying together and putting it behind you, you'd put the person who isn't part of your marriage behind you too.

It's almost like people haven't forgiven their cheating partner at all and that they also don't want them to suffer so they make a go if staying together but because marriage is now rocky they direct anger outside of it so as to prevent the husband taking full responsibility for his own actions.

OP says she knew he was married. It's not her who married you. She isn't obliged to be faithful to you, your dh is. Your husband knew he was married, that's what counts and it didn't stop him from cheating. Why does he get to keep his family and high position job but she has to have her career ruined?

Actually your friend sounds just as unprofessional as your husband.

My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

Would she really risk her job by halting her career progression? And would she really risk confidentiality by spreading it all round the office?

If you do tell her and she values her job, she'll distance herself from you, given that your aim is to make this woman want to leave her job.

husband admitted kissing her a few months ago for the first time and then spending time alone with her after the Christmas party, but swears it never went beyond a kiss
Yea right.....just like Clinton "did not have sexual relations with that woman".....

In what way could disclosing a snog and some text messages end someone's career? I don't get it. Nobody cares who snogs who as long as the job gets done.

Employers don't exist to punish adulterers, and if they did, your husband would pay a higher price than the junior.

I get why people would be angry at the woman who their husband cheated with but what I can't get is how when they forgive their husband they still have this idea about making the one outside the marriage pay

You see it all the time on here. And the responses are overwhelmingly always the same, it's him you need to deal with.

I think if the cheated on party directed their anger at the cheating spouse the marriage couldn't survive, and they need it to survive, for whatever reason, so they misdirect their anger at the other woman and then play at making it work with the cheating spouse.

There is also a desire to not have the woman round the cheating spouse because they are scared the husband will continue to cheat with her, so they dream of getting her out the picture as a safe guard.