Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

I would ignore her. That's the best approach. And the most dignified.

Make her realise how insignificant she is because if it hasn't been her, it would have been someone else.

Do not give her any indication that you are hurt and angry. Be strictly professional, icily polite and don't say anything to anyone.

Keep your dignity and your private life very private. You do not want to be company gossip. That is also humiliating.

I would be worried though in case she claims sexual harassment as some sort of revenge.

I would also be very sceptical about your h's claims that not much went on.

Take your time. Don't be rushed into making any decisions about staying together or splitting.

He should be working very very hard to earn back your trust and making you feel like you might want to stay married to him.

I think that would be very poor. Your husband and OW both did exactly the same thing but she pays the huge price of having her career ruined while your cheating husband carries on as normal. I think that would be awful actually and would make you as low as them.

He's lying

I suspect this is a full blown physical affair, he's just protecting himself by swearing otherwise. No way. They just kissed twice months apart.

What did the dodgy messages say?

If I thought I could torpedo her career while not affecting mine and my husbands I would totally do it
Not the mature or morally right thing to do but I would and not care, in fact I might even enjoy it.
However, that’s me and you aren’t me OP so be true to yourself

Wow you sound delightful! Thinking it’s acceptable to attempt to damage the career of a woman just because your ‘D’ H tried to have an affair with her! I’ll never understand this mentality that an ‘affair’ is the fault of the OW and the poor man is blameless. She is completely irrelevant and could have been anyone! I’m pretty sure this won’t be the first time he’s done this (or the last if you continue in this marriage) Will you be doing this to every woman he tries to shag? I’m saying this as someone who has been cheated on and whilst I’m not suggesting she’s entirely blameless, it’s your husband who you should be directing your anger and bitterness towards. I agree with others that your colleagues won’t be that interested anyway and are probably well aware of his behaviour. Y

OW knows I know, DH ended things with her a few days after I found the messages, and explained why.

He carried on the affair for a few days even after you found out?

God he's a prize shit bag.

This woman really is the least of your worries.

He will never admit the full extent of it. Get rid, you deserve better. And don't drag your friend into it by expecting her to take sides and therefore risk her job

Bluntness they were mostly flirty banters, declaration of mutual feelings and discussions on why they couldn't"cross the line" beyond kissing. As if what they did wasn't crossing a line

Also you'd want to be very careful about trying to ruin her career

She may have nothing to lose and end up proving it went way beyond a kiss (if in fact it did).

And what do you mean ended things? There is nothing to end of it was just a kiss.

He is lying.

I don't think DH took advantage of her Really.... I bet last week you would have said I don't think DH would kiss a junior manager at the works doo. Funny how life changes in a week.

My advice is - if you back someone into a corner, don't be surprised if they come out fighting. Ruin her career, don't be surprised if she doesn't trot off into the sunset quietly. If someone ruined my career, we would be at war. Pure and simple.

Cross posted, ok if the messages were about not having sex then it wasn't more than a snog.

One - it has nothing whatsoever to do with work. If you say anything, everyone will be gossiping about you, your husband and OW. I wouldn't want my colleagues talking about my personal business.

If you do say anything to her manager because she's your friend, then I hope that she takes her manager's role seriously and doesn't bring personal matters into the workplace.

Think long and hard about what you want.

Often when people find out about affairs, they are panicked and desperate to hold everything together and work very hard to do this with hysterical bonding etc.

What is your h doing about the mess HE has created?

What do you want? Focus on you.

Revenge is very tasty but it won't end well. It sounds odd and unsatisfying but seriously, ignoring her will be very irritating for her. Not that it matters what she thinks or feels, but it might quench your thirst for revenge.

Focus on you.

No way. They just kissed twice months apart.
If there's no overnight business trips etc it's entirely possible it didn't go further.
There was someone I worked with years ago with whom drunken nights out would always culminate in a snog but it simply never got any further and he wasn't even married although he had kids at home . Not everyone has sex with everyone they've snogged.

Whether that makes a difference to OP or not is for. Her to decide.

I very much doubt this will be the last time you face this kind of problem. Once someone has given themselves permission to cross the line it's very unlikely they're simply going to stop. Ask him what he plans to do if this woman complains to HR that he's taken advantage of his position as her senior? Bet he's never given it a second thought. Hire Fatal Attraction for a movie night. that should put the wind up him a little.

OP - I am sorry for what happened to you and your marriage.
However - you are deluded that your actions would lead to the effect you want...

You husband - being senior - would be shunned as the older man, in a position of power (being senior) - and grooming a young subordinate in the company.
And you said nothing to not make us believe it was anything other then an older man coming after a younger woman...

If you did act in the way you are planning - the young woman in question will portray it this way - regardless of how it actually went on...

And if your friends were unprofessional enough to display any bias in her perfiromance evaluation/ career progression - than she would have grounds for discrimination...

And, also, let’s not forget the reputational damage to your H - as the leery older man. In the age of Harvey and MeToo - having that follow him - is that what you want?

Focus on your family. Really.

Doesn't matter whether you think your dh took advantage of her or not. If she claims sexual harassment in the current #metoo climate he could end up worse off.

So you want to ruin her career because your DH?

You clearly haven't thought this through.

If she comes out fighting this (and she probably will do)

This could not only take the company for constructive dismissal but your DH and you could lose your jobs for bullying, harassment and even sexual harassment in the work place.

OW and DH work in completely different departments, so there is no reporting line between them.

Your thinking is very old fashioned. If you reveal that your DH, a senior person in your organisation, has been having an extramarital flingette with a junior colleague, the backlash will be against you for trying to push the blame onto the younger and less powerful party and on him for being a sleaze (all the more so because his wife works in the same organisation). You will both look terribly unprofessional and undignified.

You are focussing on the wrong person. The other woman is not the one you should be angry at

This comes up a lot and I disagree. You can be angry at both. You should be more angry at your DH as he betrayed your trust and loyalty. She is just a dick. But it's ok to be angry with her. Just as it's fine to be angry with anyone else who through their selfishness chooses to negatively impact your family's life.

I'm afraid I still don't see this as a good move though.

You want to ruin this womans career and then play happy families with your husband?
He cheated on you, she didnt.

I would try and get out with as much dignity intact as possible. I don’t bloody believe your H about it being only two kisses. He’s admitting to as little as possible.