Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

Also weren't they snogging and groping at a works party, so in full view of colleagues? In which case everyone already knows.

Don't tell your friend, for her sake rather than anyone else's! I'd find it really difficult if this was one of my team - I'd want to stand up for my friend but also would want to act professionally so it would just end up with your friend as her manager feeling conflicted and awkward. If you want to tell her as a friend to give you support then do that, but not with the expectation that she'll take action at work because of it.

Depending on the business, would this not be more damaging to your husbands career? It should be.

Won’t your dh suffer as well (not saying you should give a shit but in the end this sounds like a sure fire way for everything to be awkward forever more of you plan to salvage your relationship!)

I think i’ve Read this differently to others - but anyway, I don’t see why you should not reach out to your close friends for support of you need to just because they are her manangers.

I think there is a massive risk here that this won’t play out as you expect. At the very least it will all be very embarrassing, at the worst your DH will be seen as a huge sleaze.

It is all so recent. I’d be focussing on making sure it’s actually over and working out what you want. The OW’s career is the very least of your worries.

OP - I know you are angry but I think you need to stop before you do anything. You are right to feel angry and all those other things but you will put your friend, and potentially you, at professional risk. Any action which may be taken as a consequence of this could backfire on you and her. It could be perceived as harassment or discrimination and I don’t believe you want that. Yes what she and your dh did was wrong, but the same judgement should and will apply to both. He was more senior and therefore abused his position. He was married but her. Of course you’ve been wronged but any missteps you may take in the workplace now with regard to this could have unforeseen repercussions. I’m not condoning what happened. Not at all but if you are looking for emotional support, or even seeking your friend go take some kind of action don’t. I say this with the utmost kindness but for YOUR sake and your career please find another confident.

Don't do it. You're hurting and you want her to suffer as well - that's normal. But it won't make you feel better. You'll be the subject of gossip and nobody will believe it was just a kiss. If you are trying to work on your marriage then it won't make it any better to have this swirling round at work. If your H is genuinely committed to making amends then it would be better for him to look for a different role or firm.

By all means confide in your friend, but make it clear you are telling her because she is your friend - and not in her capacity as the OW's manager.

What do you expect work to do?
They probably have a close working relationships policy or something similar but as long as they haven't broken any guidance there is nothing that would be of any concern professionally.

Jesus Christ, emotional (and physical) affairs happen in offices all the time.

Your husband, being senior and presumably older, looks far worse in this everyday scenario than the younger more junior and inexperienced (in life) woman.

Trying to ruin her career is misdirected anger. Much more worthwhile to direct that at your husband.

Dump the cheating husband and leave the poor woman alone.
What makes you think you can ruin her career? She shouldn't have done it but lets hope she knows someone in HR because sounds like she's going to have to complain about you bringing personal affairs into work.

Schnitzel no DH says they kissed after the Christmas party, when they were alone. So in theory no one at work knows.

no DH says they kissed after the Christmas party

The Christmas party was a few months ago?

OP, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you obviously can't trust this man, you only have his word that they kissed in private and I'm sure if it was private it went further.
The wife is always last to know, please don't be naive it will be round work already and most will know they are having an affair, if you can't accept it.
Time to move on with your dignity intact, leave them to it and move jobs.

I suspect everyone knows op, I'm sorry. It will be an open secret. Body language, flirting, people see it and come to their own conclusions.

And I'd agree with a pp. you're abusing your relationship with your friend, she is powerless to do anything here, it's not her shit storm, and you're basically wanting her to risk her own career by acting unprofessionally to punish this woman for you,

I'm always astounfed by the women whose husband goes over the side and they want to work it out and forgive the husband and will crucify the other woman, even contemplate abusing their own friendships to do so, but him? No let's work that shit out.

It's mind boggling.

Will you be doing this to every woman your husband decides to cheat with?
He'll do it again but next time he'll make sure not to get caught.

You need to focus on dealing with him.
HE chose to cheat on you and those reasons are still there.

The Christmas party was at the beginning of December.

Many times, work affairs are known about already, and as plenty of people indulge ... they equally don't rush to shame others who get caught. Your fantasy of what will happen comes from the 1950s and makes you look bad, if anything, for trying to slut shame her.
Just focus on your husband and what to do about your relationship

I'm sorry OP but I wouldn't be telling anyone
Office affairs are picked up so quickly- people will have guessed.
Save your anger for him.

I would. She’s a manager and snogging a married man so her bosses need to know what type of character she is. I’d also be dealing out the same sort of treatment to my DH though. Fairs fair. If her bosses get told then so do his. Both should be reprimanded and reminded of that they are their to work not flirt.

Agree, it seems he's happy to shit on his own doorstep. We have all met that senior bloke at work chasing younger women.

She won't be the first and she won't be the last. She's just the one you found out about.

I think you're naive to think it won't impact your husbands career. I also think for your professional appearance your dirty laundry shouldn't be aired at work. You would also be putting your friends (OW managers) in a very difficult position as they have to remain professional. I don't think there would be any taking sides, and if there was it would reflect worse on your friends and their professional conduct.
I would suggest worrying less about the OW and work, and worry more about fixing your marriage (If that's what you want).

Honestly, op, keep your dignity intact. This won't end the way you want it to, and could even rebound on you personally: imagine not only all your colleagues gossiping about you, but also the press when she takes them to tribunal...

Leave your husband or don't, but don't let her keep living rent-free in your head.

What pleasure would it give you to ruin someone's career? That's really unpleasant and unkind. Your revenge should be aimed at your sleazy husband, not the woman he had a dalliance with. I would imagine everyone at work knows anyway, office romances are rarely the secret the participants believe they are.

No you shouldn't talk to your friend and colleague. This is where the line is when you are friends with colleagues.

You absolutely don't mention her.

That's a legal case waiting to happen.