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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is A Snog Infidelity?

136 replies

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 15:57

After claiming he was depressed but not enough to go to GPs Dh told me in late January that he'd "snogged" a colleague at the Xmas nite out. When I asked what was he thinking about, he said "Oh this feels nice". He never said sorry, did say that the depression was really guilt and that was the delay in telling me and he didn't want to upset me(!)He wont talk about it just wants things to go back to normal. I feel broken in two am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Dior · 27/06/2007 15:59

Message withdrawn

Mumpbump · 27/06/2007 15:59

Kissing means different things to different people, but to me it is one of the most intimate things you can do and I would never snog anyone if I wasn't thinking of sleeping with them. But I know people who have snogged their friends - same sex or otherwise - and to whom snogging is just a bit of a laugh, so depends what view your dh takes, I guess...

nickytwotimes · 27/06/2007 16:00

i think a snog is infidelity. i'd want a bit of remorse too. he can't expect to just tell you and things be fine. i don't think you are overreacting at all.

Skyler · 27/06/2007 16:02

If my husband snogged any one else I would be devastated too. So sorry .

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 16:03

I think if he'd just come home that night and told me then - but he waited so long and became very cold to me. The bit is I thought that things were great between us and now, well. If it wasn't for ds and dd he'd be outta here. I wonder how wrong you can be about someone?

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 16:06

Infidelity means different things to all of us. Your DH sounds as if he had no conscience over it and expects you just to forgive him.

hana · 27/06/2007 16:06

it would be in my books

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 16:07

Oh and he tried to justify it by saying that she's really nice and he talks to her because they've worked together so long now (5 years). I pointed out that nice girls don't do things like that. Apparently her Dh has grounded her because she's got abit of history. My Dh also slipped in that she's got a nice figure and for the first time ever encouraged me to diet, before I found out about the snog.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 27/06/2007 16:08

bloody hell, daisy! poor you. don't like the sound of his behavior...

IdrisTheDragon · 27/06/2007 16:10

Did you say he told you in January? That's been a while ago - it must be very difficult for you with him not wanting to talk about it .

Pinkchampagne · 27/06/2007 16:10

It is in my books too. I found out my husband had snogged some girl before we got married, and much as he swore he didn't actually sleep with her, it hurt me pretty much as much as it would have done if he had. We very nearly split following this.

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 16:11

Kick him in the cock, he's an arse.

Pinkchampagne · 27/06/2007 16:12

How hurtful, Daisy. I don't like the sound of his behaviour either.

WigWamBam · 27/06/2007 16:14

Depression isn't guilt, and doesn't excuse his behaviour or the fact he kept it secret.

It counts as infidelity in my book, and I would expect at the very least an apology, the chance to talk it over, and a promise that he will never do it again. He owes you that much, no matter how much he wants to brush it under the carpet. He also owes it to you not to rub your nose in it by telling you how nice/slim/easy to talk to this girl is.

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 16:14

Yeah Idris, he never really talks much. Mates have commented that I'm so gregarious and he doesn't have much to say. But I would've said our relationship is at least worth talking about but you can't talk to yourself - well, it gets abit onesided and boring! I'm on a childminding career break which we both worked out and agreed to and today he flung that at me saying he was doing this for me, trying to make things better!!! We agreed this last year way before Xmas - break started in October.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 27/06/2007 16:15

would getting counselling together be any help?

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 16:16

He clearly feels no guilt and is being stupid expecting you to let it lie.

ginnedupmummy · 27/06/2007 16:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 16:20

No he told me in January. Thought about counselling but I think I need some space away from him to think a lot of things through.Obviously this has been like a snowball effect in our marriage and just got worse... I'm just scared of what to tell the kids 7 and 3????? That's what's stopping me.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 27/06/2007 16:22

it's such a grim situation.. i'm sorry, i don't know how you tell kids these things. you deserve to be treated better though.

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 16:32

Cheers folks this is the first I've spoken to anyone and it's great to hear other folk think the same . I'm away now to be mum's taxi and feeding station! Speak to you later on. Thanks.

OP posts:
mother2b · 27/06/2007 16:34

Def infidelity, i wouldnt be able to trust him again but i hope you can work it out and do what makes you happy, and in turn that will make your DC's happy because you'll be happier

nickytwotimes · 27/06/2007 16:34

good luck daisy.

Hopeitwontbebig · 27/06/2007 16:37

I'd be GUTTED TBH , so IMO yes it is... sorry. It's such an intimate thing to do.

collision · 27/06/2007 16:44

Gutted and betrayed but I wouldnt break up the marriage because of it.

I would make his life hell and he would grovel to gain my forgiveness.

Anyone can get drunk and snog someone!

Does he still want to be with you or does he want to leave?

What is your situation? Do you work or are you a SAHM?