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Original poster

Is A Snog Infidelity?

136 replies

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 15:57

After claiming he was depressed but not enough to go to GPs Dh told me in late January that he'd "snogged" a colleague at the Xmas nite out. When I asked what was he thinking about, he said "Oh this feels nice". He never said sorry, did say that the depression was really guilt and that was the delay in telling me and he didn't want to upset me(!)He wont talk about it just wants things to go back to normal. I feel broken in two am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
toy23 · 27/06/2007 22:18

daisydreams if he truely loves you he would never say a thing like that and would exsept you for what you look like.He feels no guilt for what he has done even though he knows what he has done is wrong. This to me show a lack of respect also.So the way i see it do you whant to try and save a relationship with some1 who does not love you and has no respect for you then youre a fool.A relationship works 2 ways not one.

morningpaper · 27/06/2007 22:18

I would forgive a snog - because it happens so easily. One minute you are drinking, laughing, flirting - the next - SHIT! Split second terrible mistake, don't do it again.

Whereas sleeping together etc. involves so many CONSCIOUS decisions - it is far, far worse IMO.

toy23 · 27/06/2007 22:19

You say also that you I can't ever trust him again.There is no relationship with no trust.All relationships are built on trust,respect and love.

herladyship · 27/06/2007 22:22

omg, is toy23 now the voice of the men of britain??

i (personally) would NOT throw away my marriage for a snog.... however, i would also be v.unhappy about the fact that having told you, he then showed little remorse and some of his other comments..

it's a tough one, you definately need to talk but this is where that mars/venus thing can hamper a relationship!

good luck, x

toy23 · 27/06/2007 22:24

Rhubarb
Quote You know him best Daisy, you've had lots of advice here, do what you feel is best for you and the kids. End Quote

I dont think the kids should have anything to do with this, she should do whats best for herself.As if she sticks with her DH for the sake of the kids,the kids will pick up on this and will grow unhappy knowing something is not right.

Original poster
daisydreams · 27/06/2007 22:24

Well I'm off for some not very daisy dreams. Probably full of Triffids tonight!
We'll see what happens tomorrow if and when he puts in an appearance. Thanks and g'night y'all.

OP posts:
toy23 · 27/06/2007 22:27

herladyship i think its daisydreams Dh that is throwing the marrige away he has no respect or love that i can see for daisydreams, he even refuses to talk to her if he truely cared he would sit down and talk.Belive it or not us men do have feelings yes we dont like to talk about them, but when a Man cares enough about something he will sit down and talk.

divastrop · 27/06/2007 22:31

morningpaper-i disagree that actually shagging somebody always involves making concious deccisions.a snog can easily turn into a shag.if you are drunk enough.

the point is,if you love and respect your dh/w/p then you wouldnt be in a potential snog situation with somebody else in the first place.

TippiHedren · 27/06/2007 22:33

YES

BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 07:47

This is a very tricky situation and question.
Rhubarb I wonder if you had not done this to your DH if your advice on here would be very different. And how would you feel if your DH did it to you?? Since this was something everyone asked Daisy, I wondered if you could perhaps shed some light on that from the other point of view. I suppose having done it tho it would be easier for you to, perhaps, forgive him for it???

I would be utterly gutted if I saw my DH kissing someone else. And although I don't know if I would end the relationship over it, as I most definately would for sex, I still see it as infidelity. Most definately. I think it is easier, as someone said, to suddenly find yourself in a snog situation, and I have been hammered before but never so much that I would suddenly "find" myself having sex
A kiss can be so much more intimate than sex imo, is this why prossies don't kiss???
It's personal and it's about closeness and I personally have had kisses that have been way steamier, and more passionate than sex with someone else.

Daisy, alarm bells would be ringing about last night for me, I'm sorry to say.
How do you know he was really at his friends house?? Cos his friend rang you. I would be wondering whether he was really there tbh.

Your dc's will be fine as long as you are a solid parent. No matter what you decide they will be ok. So make your decision based on your probs with your DH not on how you think it will affect your dc's
Good Luck, I hope it all works out ok either way.

Pan · 28/06/2007 08:02

not that she needs it, but I am sticking up for Rhubs and her honesty.

I haven't snogged someone when I've been a partner of someone else, but I can imagine it happening if I was really drunk. And I would probably feel as bad as Rhubs, and would HAVE to spill at the first opportunity, hoping to be given the capacity to mess up by who ever dp may be at the time.

and toy, you only give your view of issues, yes? One never speaks from a gifted position to talk "as a male" implying it is for all of us.

Pan · 28/06/2007 08:03

whoops! forgot to mention the naive, houlier than though aspect of this thread. thanks.

BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 08:46

Didn't mean to be holier than thou, if you mean me. My questions to Rhubarb were just honest questions.

I just find it hard to believe that you could be so drunk you could snog someone without realising it, or does the fact that you're drunk make you not care what you're doing.
To my shame I have snogged someone else when with someone, NOT DH. But a previous boyfriend, and I knew exactly what I was doing, more to my shame. But i was only 17. No excuse tho, it was wrong.

Pan · 28/06/2007 08:49

no BofM, just the atmosphere.

Hulababy · 28/06/2007 08:49

You are not over reacting.

If DH snogged someone eles, regardless of how drugg, I would be devasted. To me kissing is an intimate act, in some ways more emotionally itimate than sex!

I would need to discuss it with him in order to be able to move on in some way.

So sorry

BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 08:53

Ok then. I do think some discussion needs to take place tho. How can you move on and deal with it if you aren't allowed to talk about it, and have the details you need to process it all.
He is asking a lot to just expect her to forget it and let it go back to how it was.
If I didn't end the relationship over it it would certainly never be the same again. I wouldn't trust him for a start, I would become one of those people none of us wants to be, questioning where he was going, who with, ringing all the time. Checking texts, etc.

mustrunmore · 28/06/2007 08:58

Personally, I'd hold a grudge and never let him forget it. And if it did get discussed, the conversation would go on for hours, long after he'd thought it was finished.

I'd be far far more upset if dh snogged someone than if he slept with them, as snogging is all about emotion, which is what he should want only from me. Sex is different; I wouldnr expect to 'own' dh in that respect.

Plus, if its a drunken snog, thats different again. I'd say there are very few people that havent done something they regret whilst a bit under the influence.

Pan · 28/06/2007 09:01

"Personally, I'd hold a grudge and never let him forget it. And if it did get discussed, the conversation would go on for hours, long after he'd thought it was finished. "

but.....that is standard female practice, 'n'est ce pas???????????

BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 09:10

Tut, Tut Pan. Now you are being general too

I expect to own DH sexually. I think Kisses can be more imtimate, yes, but I would still kill him if he slept with someone else.
The thing is the promise to not do it, kissing, sex or whatever.
We choose not to do it with anyone but this person. Yes people make mistakes, and feel guilty, but don't blame the booze.
I, personally, think that is an excuse, and it's not a good enough one. Maybe that's just me.
I know that DH would probably leave me for a snog, def for sex. If I did it anyway, well then I would be expecting that reaction whether I was drunk or not.

I think Rhubarb sounded surprised and relieved when she said her DH had never brought it up again, and I expect she's very grateful for that fact when he, imo, had every right to react very differently.

mylittlestar · 28/06/2007 09:12

I think it is infidelity. Although I also think it can be forgiven.

But the least I'd expect is to be able to talk about it and to see some remorse. Without those two things how can you ever get over it? He's unrealistic to expect you just to accept it with no questions asked.

SSSandy2 · 28/06/2007 09:12

yes it is infidelity

I don't like his attitude either. Why is it justifiable if she is nice and slim? Would it be unacceptable if she had been horrible and fat? I agree with whoever said he is rubbing your nose in it on top of everything else

It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage but frankly I wouldn't go near him sexually with a barge pole after those comments.

Hope you figure out what feels right for you.

BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 09:20

Actually, I must say that if DH did snog someone else and I didn't leave him, I certainly would NOT want to be hearing about how thin/pretty/nice she is and how I should lose a few pounds. That would earn him a slap and perhaps even the kick in the cock someone else suggested

I would be tempted then to start telling him about the cute guy that had been eyeing me up , even if no such guy existed, that is just cruel. I would be even less happy if this was someone he worked with, knew well, saw everyday, rather than some one random in a pub too. It shows more of a relationship, that could develop into something more.

babybore · 28/06/2007 10:06

I would never leave my dp over a one-off drunken snog with someone else but it would make me take stock and analyse what was happening in our relationship at that point. Things like that normally happen when a long-term relationship is going through a bad patch and communication has broken down.

Relationships and people are complicated. Sometimes you want something you know could be destructive. Sometimes you want excitement and newness again and you make a mistake. It's life, it happens every day. A drunken snog is not usually very serious and is to be forgiven and forgotten imo but only if he has shown remorse.

mumbleboo · 28/06/2007 10:23

I would be gutted, don't think you're over reacting at all. My bf went on a stag do the other week and they went to a lap dancing club, not my bf's thing at all, but the guy whose do it was paid for a private dance, and i said "i feel sorry for the girl he's marrying, it's like he's cheated" and my bf didn't think it was. But i said well if i danced with a guy in a club in that sexual way it would be cheating for you wouldn't it, and he admitted that it would. I think there are very different standards for men and women in many men's minds, but the least he should do is apologise. Hope you manage to sort it out

TempestuousAffairNot · 28/06/2007 10:29

Brutally honest here, so have namechanged.

I have snogged someone. Been with partner 15 years, never been unfaithful, never even contemplated it. I had my own sort of midlife crisis when I was on my way out of pnd, had managed to lose weight and felt stunning.

I met somebody, was attracted to this person, we flirted, we snogged. I had not been drinking, I knew what I was doing. And I wont do it again. My issues have been resolved now, and I have not told my partner. However, it has caused me heartache and confusion. I love my partner, I love my family, and will not want anything to happen to the family unit.

Actually, it had nothing to do with my partner. It was all about ME, how I felt, and the issues I was working through.

So my question to you. Why did he tell you? He could have gotten away with it. What is it really that is bugging him at the moment? How does he feel in himself? You mention depression. Does he feel unloved? Unattractive? That he is insignificant?

A snog is not something to end your marriage over, i would say it is a sign that something is not as it should be with either him or the relationship with you. I think the best course of action is to try and get to the bottom of it. He has taken the first step by telling you about the snog.

If he told you purely to be spiteful and hurt you, then I would say he is petty and behaved like an arse.

Can you get an appointment with Relate? If he is reluctant to go, go without him to start with (it may do you some good), he may soon decide to join you. Good Luck.