Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Is A Snog Infidelity?

136 replies

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 15:57

After claiming he was depressed but not enough to go to GPs Dh told me in late January that he'd "snogged" a colleague at the Xmas nite out. When I asked what was he thinking about, he said "Oh this feels nice". He never said sorry, did say that the depression was really guilt and that was the delay in telling me and he didn't want to upset me(!)He wont talk about it just wants things to go back to normal. I feel broken in two am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

witchandchips · 27/06/2007 16:46

snogs can mean so many different things. Xmas parties can be a bit like the snog fests that we used to have when we were teenagers [thinks back to time when only think we had to worry about was late chemistry homework]

I'd not focus on the snog (its in the past he can't change it) but on other aspects of his behaviour that he can change.

NKF · 27/06/2007 16:47

Hmmm. Snog. She's nice, good figure, wants you to diet. Is a snog really all there is to it? Sorry to be alarmist but bigger bells would be ringing for me.

Original poster

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 21:14

Thanks Collision if he was here I'd make him grovel. Just got a call from his pal 50 miles away to say he's asked if he could stay the night there, nice of him to tell me himself but maybe he'll come to his senses as friend is quite sensible, who knows?

OP posts:

gemmiegoatlegs · 27/06/2007 21:20

this happened to me (xmas party too) and i was gutted as i had just found out i was pregnant a couple of weeks previously. at the time i couldn't bear to be near him although he did confess the next day. we had a really stilted xmas but i believed him when he said it would not happen again and he was so drunk didn't remember doing it...had to be told by a friend the next day. Funnily enough it has been a couple of years since i have thought about it. I do trust him , after all we got wed last year and i found i could forgive and forget over time.

Not sure i could be so forgiving if it happened now. Maybe being newly pregnant it was a hormonal reflex to hang on to him. Give yourself some time to see if you can deal with it. Don't make any snap decisions.

pinkspottywellies · 27/06/2007 21:26

I wonder how he'd feel if you had done it to him? I mean he seems to think that what he's done is ok.
I couldn't just go back to normal if I were in your situation.

mummytosteven · 27/06/2007 21:29

ask him how he'd feel if you confessed to similar....

yes, it's infidelity IMHO, if it was just a drunken episode, confessed to immediately complete with grovelling apology/effort to make up for it, it would not be too hard to get over. However in your circumstances I would be SERIOUSLY pissed off.

Original poster

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 21:31

I aked him how he'd feel if I'd "snogged" my colleagues but I had to add that they're my mates, with partners and I no more think of doing that than thinking I'm in with a shout with Brad!

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 27/06/2007 21:32

I snogged 2 blokes on the same night when dd was around 18 months old.

I was drunk too and on a night out without dh.

I regretted it and owned up as soon as I got home. I felt I had cheated on him and if he never forgave me it would be all my fault. But to his credit, probably because he saw just how horrified I was by my own behaviour, he forgave me and has never mentioned it since, not even in arguments.

That takes a strong person to do that.

But not to even say sorry, well depression or not, that ain't on.

divastrop · 27/06/2007 21:33

its no different to shagging somebody else IMO

Rhubarb · 27/06/2007 21:34

Errr, I think it is!

toy23 · 27/06/2007 21:34

daisydreams youre DH has no respect for you get rid.I would never do a thing ike that to my DP and have loads of respect for her.

WideWebWitch · 27/06/2007 21:35

Yes, a snog is infidelity. Not as bad as a shag but still not good.

Original poster

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 21:36

Rhubarb You had the guts to admit you were wrong right away and I admire you for that. Dh used it to be cold and downright unpleasant to me - he did eventually say "sorry" but because I actually told him I needed to hear him say the word. No spontaneous apology or any conviction - or eye contact for that matter.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 27/06/2007 21:37

Blimey you lot are unforgiving!

I would be more hurt by the remorselessness, but would you not try to save your marriage rather than just throw in the towel?

electra · 27/06/2007 21:37

No different to shagging someone else? Think I would disagree with that.

Dinosaur · 27/06/2007 21:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

toy23 · 27/06/2007 21:39

Rhubarb whats the point in trying to save a marrige if the person you are trying to save it with has no respect for you?

Aitch · 27/06/2007 21:39

i'd be gutted, truly.

divastrop · 27/06/2007 21:40

if you love somebody then you wouldnt be unfaithful to them,end of story.whats the difference if its a snog or a shag?its still being unfaithful.

its like saying 'my dp slapped me,is it still domestic violence?it was only a slap,not a punch,so is that ok?'

Monkeytrousers · 27/06/2007 21:41

of course it is! maybe not full on infidelity, but on the scale non the less and worth a fucking big apology + some!

electra · 27/06/2007 21:42

Yes but it's easy to get into a situation where you could kiss someone, even if it's just a moment of wanting some affection. But sleeping with someone else is taking it much further and onto another level imo.

Original poster

daisydreams · 27/06/2007 21:42

I do want to save my marriage but as I said earlier he wont talk. He leaves the room or just stands there in silence. I've even asked him to write it down - nothing! And as I type he's gone to stay with a friend without telling me, at least the friend phoned. Any psychics out there who could translate for me? Oh and I told him he'd have been as well shagging her because that was his one and only foray,

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 27/06/2007 21:42

Depends on what has been done to save the marriage earlier.

Remember, no offence to Daisy, but you only ever get one side of the story on MN. I think it's a bit rich to tell someone you don't know to chuck her dh based on her side of the story.

Depression is very very bad. I suffer from it. It makes you very selfish and it takes a very strong person to stay with you and see beyond the depression.

I would advise you to enlist his friends and family in persuading him to see someone about this. If he refuses then you can talk about separation for a while, to see if the shock treatment works with him. There are so many avenues to go down, but to throw away a marriage is a huge decision to make that will affect many peoples lives.

Aitch · 27/06/2007 21:42

well i think rhubarb's saying something different tbh, divastrop. clearly her love affair survived, there might be other reasons. the problem is the lack of remorse as i see it.

Aitch · 27/06/2007 21:43

x-post with rhuby.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6