DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Sounds unlikely. Will he be paying maintenance, is he on the birth certificate (thereby having pr)?

He hasn’t get seen the baby and apparently he doesn’t want to?
I guess some people can only love certain children. I would be more worried about your dhs attitude to an innocent child if I were you.

What a fucking mess. And why is it YOUR mess to sort out.

The likelihood of her getting pregnant after one encounter is pretty low btw.

I think you’re loopy to even consider it. And I feel for the mum. Hell would freeze before I handed my child to anyone, let alone someone I knew who hated me, even if it was for valid reasons.

To keep anything in place I think you would have to go to court especially as she is already making it difficult.

I also think you're nuts! Hats off for giving it a go, but I hinedtly can't see this situation lasting. I think it's lovely that you want him to see the baby and be active in its life, but you and your children deserve more as well.

“The likelihood of her getting pregnant after one encounter is pretty low btw.”

Eh? Sperm isn’t cumulative!

I’d a start by getting a DNA test before you decide anything.

What a horrible situation. That will be very difficult for the poor child growing up to be around that kind of division and very difficult for you

He will be financially supporting the baby yes.

At the moment there's a third party acting as a go between, corresponding on his behalf with OW.

He wants to see the baby but her conditions are that it has to be at her place just the three of them. In normal circumstances I would understand with the baby being so young but due to the nature of it all im not comfortable with it and nor is he.

@Karenspolos
I know it’s not.
I meant most women over a certain age particularly do not immediately get pregnant after one go at sex. I’m sure a thousand people will come on here and say they did. But it’s not the norm. I don’t think I would believe someone if they said they only had one sexual encounter in an affair situation and that person was pregnant.

He isn't on the birth certificate but isn't disputing paternity and is prepared to fulfil his financial obligation to the baby.

You poor thing.

Unfortunately, he chose to have an ea, a one night stand and unprotected sex with someone who doesn’t sound very reasonable/sensible/nice at all. That really sucks. I’d leave them to it, sorry.

How old is the baby?

I think you could probably push via courts but if baby is tiny and breast fed it’s unlikeky the court will grant more than an hour or 2 at a time.

Setting a presidency now will make a huge difference in years to come.

Good luck. I think you’re mad but can understand why you’re doing this. I hope he’s worth it x

@Travisandthemonkey OP says he wants to see the baby.

IMO if he isn’t on the birth certificate he’s fucked

You're either a better or a more stupid woman than me OP

Why isn't he on the BC?!?!

If your DH is going to have a relationship with this baby, he will have to have contact with its mother. There is no way round that. As I see it the choices are that he gives up on being a father to the baby, which is not fair on the baby, or he gives up on his marriage, which is not fair to you and your DC. I can't see how he can have both without causing pain to everyone involved in this sorry mess. I am sorry you are in such an awful situation!

I’d also get a paternity test

You and me both @BitOutOfPractice

I can’t see how you could ever prevent them having direct contact, especially if she wants contact. They HAVE to talk about the child they have created together.

Also, think back to when your children were newborn, would you be happy to just hand them over to a relative for contact?

I think having little/no contact is easier when the child is older but I would say it’s neigh on impossible and I can’t see that a court would impose such a ridiculous restriction because she wants your DH and has been derogatory about you and your DC.

It’s admirable that you want to work through this OP (although I think you’ll drive yourself mad eventually) but I think your expectations around direct contact are wholly unrealistic I’m afraid.

If he’s not on the BC go through the courts and demand a blood test.

Those conditions from OW are unacceptable. If your DH is committed to your marriage he will see this.
What about a contact centre? Better than alone in a domestic environment with someone who has made it very clear she wants to have a sexual relationship with.
Maybe he should take some legal advice from a family law solicitor.

This seems all a bit back to front. The correct order is: 1) Have a paternity test. 2) Be added to the birth certificate. 3) Financially support the baby (back dated as necessary) and arrange contact.

I don't understand why he would do 3) without 1) & 2) being in place?

I think it’s unrealistic to expect that he’ll be able to build a relationship with the child without some direct interaction with the mother.
They’ll be co-parenting, and they can’t be done without communication.

Have they agreed on child support payments? You didn’t mention anything on that.

And when the baby is very small - hand overs at contact center is really a no go...
I get it that you are hurt and insecure - but really. Would you do that to a baby, just so you feel better?
I get it that you don’t want him spending time in the house - so - when the baby is ready - maybe he can take him for walks to start with?

She doesn’t seem very cooperative, though, so I think your H would end up needing to go to court to demand access. So - sooner they start taking and discussing future arrangements - the better.
Most likely they won’t agree and end up in court. Might as well start now.

As to your fear of them being in the same location - you’ll need to get over it. If you decided to re-build and trust him - he must be able to be at the same place as her (or any other female) and not jump into bed with them. If the only way you can trust him is by isolating him from what you perceive is a threat - that’s no way to live.

DH opposes her conditions and is of the opinion she's using the baby to manipulate, he doesn't want to be alone with her which is probably partially for my benefit.

I don't know how I'd feel about them being in touch later on but I know that at the moment it's far too raw for me and I'd have to walk away for the sake of my mental health. I don't want to have to do that nor do I want the baby to have to be without a father in the interim