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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/12/2018 20:07

I think at this age she is right to say that she does not want the baby to be out of her sight and she needs to be there

As he gets older contact should be at yours without her there - however no contact with her is just not feasible and is not fair on the child

at the heart of this is an innocent babies whose needs none of the adults are putting first. His parents not communicating at all is just not feasible

bastardkitty · 30/12/2018 20:07

What's acceptable to the baby's mother and what's acceptable to you are poles apart. It's your H's fault he impregnated someone else whilst married to you. If it was an EA then it wasn't a one night stand. The baby is 2 weeks old and your expectations of no contact between H and OW are impossible. Do you trust him? I'd be done, but you would have to be able to trust him for things to move forward.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 20:08

As many people have said. Would you turn over a 2 week old to an intermediary to then take to another home to other people you don’t even know?
I mean really. Even if you were the OW

He needs to suck it up and go to her if he wants to see the child, and you need to realise that in reality you’re nothing much to do with that child other than being a sort of step mother.
That’s the reality. The court isn’t going to give any fucks about how shit your husband feels about fucking someone else

SoyDora · 30/12/2018 20:08

Would you hand over your newborn in these circumstances, if you were her?

Beansandcoffee · 30/12/2018 20:08

No mother is going to hand over a very young baby to the dad to then take back to his family and wife. You can’t play happy families with someone else’s baby. I’m sorry but it isn’t going to work. He isn’t on the BC? Sounds like she doesn’t want him involved except financially.

You need to kick him out it can’t work,

Rainbowqueeen · 30/12/2018 20:08

Would you be willing for a third party to be there along with DH and OW?

Because I can see her pint, I wouldn’t hand over my 2 week old to someone else and just leave. As baby grows older then definitely things should change though.

Maybe mediation to work out a schedule

MrsL2016 · 30/12/2018 20:09

I don't think he should be financially contributing to the baby without being on the birth certificate. Being on it will make such a difference with getting access through the courts etc.

flintfoxy · 30/12/2018 20:09

Why the hell wouldn't you do a paternity test! Have you asked him why he didn't use a condom, going behind your back and putting you at risk is appalling op

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 20:10

He's not on the BC and has no parental rights at the moment. So she holds all the cards. She can deny access and he'd have to go to court.....getting a paternity test first.

He really should get a paternity test done

I can understand her not wanting to hand over a newborn baby and letting him/her out of her house.

Some will say if she refuses him access ... then he needs to walk away until it's on your terms.

If it comes down to it...what will he choose? Losing you or going to see the baby with her?

Stand your ground. It's on your terms or not at all. He's more a sperm donor than a dad in this ONS.

bridezilla1 · 30/12/2018 20:11

The likelihood of her getting pregnant after one encounter is pretty low btw.

Every pregnancy is created after one encounter.

I can see two sides here really and whilst DH and your DC deserve to build a relationship with the baby I don't think many mothers would be happy with their two week old baby being away from them. Could you not come to an agreement (possibly through a solicitor) that DH will visit at hers or her parents/friends home for maybe the first 6 months or so with the view to expanding contact to an hour or two at yours.

There is going to have to be contact between DH and the OW really to raise the child.

70sbaubles · 30/12/2018 20:12

I couldn't live with this. I'd end it.
I'd also demand a paternity test.
You can't expect a baby to come to your house without it's mother when it's very small. Of course he's going to have contact with OW, and will do so for a very long time.
She doesn't want you involved. I wonder why.
This won't work.

Original poster
Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 20:12

Id be ok with him meeting her in a public place with a third party but she isn't on board with that and wants DH to go to her house, alone.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 20:12

I don't see how it's feasible to have a relationship with a tiny baby without any contact with the mother.

JamAtkins · 30/12/2018 20:13

I don’t think it’s reasonsble to ask the mother to send a tiny baby to a contact centre when she is willing to allow access in the babies home. I think it’s bonkers to think the babies parents are not going to be in contact for the rest of their lives. I wouldn’t let my dcs go somewhere where I only could contact them through a third party. I wouldn’t let my dcs have contact with a non parent who hates me.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 30/12/2018 20:14

Opinions on the situation aside the facts are that right now the ow can call the shots. If the father doesn't like it he needs to make a court application. However the court will
Act in the best interest of the child, not the scorned wife!!

Original poster
Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 20:14

He never doubted paternity because of the dates, although I do agree it should be done before he hands over any money.

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 30/12/2018 20:14

You need to employ the services of a professional mediator.

This will set up a healthy dynamic for the future, one that can be legally enforced through the family court if necessary.

CajunShrimp · 30/12/2018 20:15

I’ve no helpful suggestions but I really feel for you, it seems like you lose whatever the situation. What a rotten bastard to do this to you. Well done for trying to work it out reasonably.

adaline · 30/12/2018 20:15

No woman is going to hand her newborn to someone she doesn't know, regardless of circumstances, nor would any judge expect her to (abuse etc. withstanding). Sorry OP.

I think you need to take a deep breath and consider whether you can stay in your marriage despite what your DH has done. The baby and OW aren't going to just go away. They're going to be there every year, for the rest of your lives. What are you going to do at Christmas, Easter, school events? On the baby's birthday? On your DC's birthdays?

Personally I would leave now. I know you love him but is this really the life you want for yourselves and your DC? They can still see their father and have a relationship with him even if the two of you separate.

TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 20:16

Yes she's offering regular contact in the baby's home with her present. That would be considered in the best interests of the child. I don't think a court would care that you aren't happy about it tbh. She's not going anywhere, she'll be in your life for at least the next 18 years. I'd be walking away personally.

WinterfellWench · 30/12/2018 20:16

Sod that for a game of soldiers!

I would defo LTB sorry. No idea why you are staying and 'trying to make it work.'

Sorry, not helpful, but this thread makes me so angry. Do you think a MAN would stand by his wife if she got knocked up by another man, and allow the other man access to the baby, and allow HIS children to get to know their half sibling?

This is 50 shades of fucked up.

And all the 'he will pay for the baby' stuff, when there has been no paternity test, and he not on the birth certificate?! Fuck that!

Whathappensnext2018 · 30/12/2018 20:17

I second getting the paternity test before contact starts

Redtartanshoes · 30/12/2018 20:17

My heart is actually breaking for you

WinterfellWench · 30/12/2018 20:17

@lovelytea

I'd be ok with him meeting her in a public place with a third party but she isn't on board with that and wants DH to go to her house, alone.

Hmm yes I BET she does. Wink

Newyearbollocks · 30/12/2018 20:17

She should have thought about these conditions before sleeping with a married man. He should have thought about these conditions before having an affair.
However he needs to see his child. I would get a court order to start access through a contact centre. I think that's the best way forward. Not ideal for you and I think you are a nuts for putting up with it. But more comfortable than lone visits at her house. Courts would accept that I'm sure. In the long run, she doesn't get to dictate whether he can have his child. She and he made that mistake themselves. She will have to live with it. But so will you. You need to think long and hard about this.

Tell him to get to court and get his name on the BC with access rights that are comfortable for all the family. After all there is more than one child involved here.

P.S he's a prick
You deserve better.