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Relationships

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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:

TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 20:18

How is he supposed to go on the birth certificate when he would have to attend the registration with the mother, and he is refusing any direct contact with her? DNA test is a good idea though.

Livinglavidal0ca · 30/12/2018 20:18

Over my dead body would he be taking my newborn baby away for visitations. I think any court would say contact at her house, and to be honest I wouldn't expect her to go out for a few hours either. If he wants to see his child, he will have to be around her. Personally I'd agree to taking baby alone for an hour or so only after 6ish months, and even then for short periods of time.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 20:18

I couldn't do it. I'd ask for a paternity test and if it showed it was his, I'd ask him to leave. This is going to go on for the rest of your life and it's clear the OW is going to be hostile to you.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 30/12/2018 20:19

He never doubted paternity because of the dates

But it was just one night?

Original poster

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 20:19

I think I've tried to be as reasonable as I can given the circumstances.

At one point I even said she could bring the baby to our place and I would busy myself in another area of the house. DH saw that suggestion for the ridiculous one that it is and said it would never work.

I don't want any of the children to suffer but it feels like there's no happy ending for any of them in this situation.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 30/12/2018 20:19

I'd be getting legal advice ASAP to start the relationship quickly as well as a dna test

Queenofthedrivensnow · 30/12/2018 20:19

He isn't going to get a contact centre because a, the mother is happy for him to see the baby in it's home and b, as far as we know the father isn't a risk to either the baby or the mother.

Original poster

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 20:20

Yes the due date and the date of conception. It really was just the once and if it weren't she'd have told me herself.

OP posts:

Eviecee · 30/12/2018 20:21

Legal advice DEFINITELY needed. There's literally nothing else you can do.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 20:22

That poor fucking child.
And the same for your children.

And I do know that all pregnancy are from one encounter, but I just think the likelihood of one go at precisely the right time of the ovulation is unlikely in an affair situation. Unless it was ridiculously preplanned and premeditated by her

Val87 · 30/12/2018 20:22

I would leave him. You don’t deserve this. They’ll need to have contact for the child’s sake, there’s no way around it.

Wildheartsease · 30/12/2018 20:22

You are being amazing and he is a very very lucky man.

Paternity test should be done. This is a lot to take on trust.

Meeting siblings and father will be needs for the baby in the future but not so much yet.

OW's condition - about just being with your DH is not reasonable.

Her condition about not sending away a two-week-old baby is perfectly reasonable.

Here is matter for further negotiation.

Whathappensnext2018 · 30/12/2018 20:22

The dates add up statement suggests he’s lied and had sex with her more regularly than he’s made out and said it was only one time to ease the fall out. Any man who had a random one night stand would usually request a paternity test unless they were confident they were the father I.e having regularly sexually activity with that person.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/12/2018 20:23

I dont understand why he wouldnt want a paternity test. Surely that would be the first thing to sort out.

Also, I certainly wouldnt be handing over my 2 week old for another person, nor would I want to drag the baby out for contact either.

Does your DH think she's going to jump on him the moment he walks in the door?

bertielab · 30/12/2018 20:24

Apply to court for him to be on the BC.
Apply to the court for access.

He will be entitled to access. It might be with her there to start with -but don't let her dictate terms.

Having said that I think this is an impossible situation. I don't understand why you keep saying EA -it was an affair. He slept with someone and didn't take contraception etc

Twatonapogostick · 30/12/2018 20:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Aimarge · 30/12/2018 20:24

If your DP is going to cheat on you again he will whether you allow him contact or not.
I know you are trying to save your marriage but if he is untrustworthy again would it be worth it? I know it hurts with him seeing her but you chose to forgive him so you need to give him the space to prove he wants you/ can be trusted.
I've been a single mum and trust me it's a lot easier than being upset and paranoid. I was desperately clinging on to him for a few months and he was acting a grade A ...
I don't blame her imho for not letting you and your DP have the baby alone. She knows that you hate her, that you're representing a perfect family life. She is probably annoyed he got to waltz back into his family life and she got left with the responsibility of a baby and then giving said baby to the family life she envisioned.
I honestly feel for you OP, you didn't ask for this and now there is an innocent baby in this mess. Things will get easier with time but he needs to put in all the effort to win you back without restrictions or he's not worth your time. Time is precious remember that.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 30/12/2018 20:25

I don't want any of the children to suffer but it feels like there's no happy ending for any of them in this situation

There's no happy ending for anyone. I feel you, OP, will suffer the most while your 'D'H has 2 women playing the pick me dance.

adaline · 30/12/2018 20:25

You are being amazing

Amazing or naive?

magoria · 30/12/2018 20:25

The baby is 2 weeks old. She is probably still pissing blood, having leaky boobs all over the place and barely gets a chance to shower if she is a single mother.

At the moment regular short contact in her home as she is offering would be easiest for her and the baby.

If your H wants to see his child he needs to suck it up and go there.

As for never being in contact with her how that going to work for the next 18+ years? You can't expect someone to act as a go between forever that would be insane.

I would start with a DNA test. It may be none of this has to happen.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 30/12/2018 20:26

You need legal advice.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 20:27

He's a fool for not doing a paternity test. Well, he's a fool in general.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2018 20:27

Id definitely push for a paternity test and insist on someone going with him to her house as a chaperone

Beansandcoffee · 30/12/2018 20:28

A bloke who sleeps with a women just the once and then finds out she was pregnant would demand a paternity test.

WinnieFosterTether · 30/12/2018 20:28

She's not being manipulative. She's being a protective new mum.
Encourage your DH to get a lawyer and go through the courts.

I also think you should consider individual counselling. You still sound in denial about how this has impacted on you and oblivious as to how the breach of trust is going to permeate every aspect of your life.

Your fantasy of having no involvement with OW but taking her baby into your house is just one indicator of how unrealistic you are being about all of this.

I'm sorry your DH had an affair, and lied and had a child with someone else.

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