DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

And as much as OW may not want OP to be part of her sons life, that will not be her decision if it all goes to court.

The only relationship the court will decide upon is that of the DH and the OW’s baby. The OP has no role to play.

Whic is ironic since the OP is the only adult trying to put the child first.

No she’s not. If she were truly trying to put the OW’s baby first, she would be telling her DH to lie low and stay out of the OW’s life while the baby is small in order to give the OW and baby time together to settle. Oh, and send the OW a large cheque.

But can the court really order that DH must not bring his child home when OP is present? Never seen that.

The DH doesn't exist in a vacuum, Maria. If he's given parental responsibility for the child he chooses who it spends time with while it's in his care.

But can the court really order that DH must not bring his child home when OP is present?

No, but the court can most definitely order that the DH may not take the child to the home he shares with his wife and children on grounds of likely hostile treatment.

But can the court really order that DH must not bring his child home when OP is present?

I wouldn't have thought so. Unless OP tells Cafcass or whoever that she will make the child's life a misery I can't see that there would be restrictions once he has been deemed fit for unsupervised contact. He can introduce the child to who he wants then.

Courts are quite sympathetic to mothers in the OW’s situation. They know the risks to the children of adulterous relationships.

No, but the court can most definitely order that the DH may not take the child to the home he shares with his wife and children on grounds of likely hostile treatment.

Where on earth has that come from? OP has given no reason for anyone to believe the child would be entering a hostile environment. The OW could make this up of course, but then she’d be responsible for not encouraging a relationship between father and son.

Because she doesn't need to be present whilst the child is with their other, perfectly capable parent. That's why

The father lactates does he? Of course the mother needs to be there if baby is breast- fed.

Yes, she's just given birth 2 weeks ago, etc etc etc. She's not confined to the house

For all intents and purposes I was confined to the house at that stage.

Maria I‘d surely like to see how the ‚hostile treatment‘ thing is established. If it is, the lack of relationships with siblings is another thing OW will take responsibility for. Oh well.

The father lactates does he? Of course the mother needs to be there if baby is breast- fed.

Most people agree that contact should be arranged through court and only in a year or so, when baby is older. For now, no contact is necessary and is better for all by the looks of it.

@MariaNovella
Really???? Telling DH to keep low and so ow can spend time with the baby! Oh and just send a massive cheque????

Are you for real??? Are you the ow??
Honestly I wouldn’t be sending anything till the child was proven to be DH! And a ‘massive cheque ‘ wtf????
If proven via dna then the baby is entitled to maintenance that’s is means tested! The DH had a wife and two other children to support. Just handing over a massive cheque before a paternity test is taking that money away from his first family and may not even be necessary

I’m not saying that’s what the OP should do so much as describing what putting the baby first would really look like.

I'm really struggling to see why a court would order contact has to be at a contact centre when the OW has offered contact at her home.

The only reason this is being suggested is to spare the feelings of the OP- which are completely irrelevant to the interests of the child.

Like others I'm extremely sceptical about it being a one night stand.

I think if a bit of time passes and they go to court the husband could argue there is too much hostility, relationship/ communication has broken down between them and that a contact centre is needed. They can be good for introducing contact in fraught situations. It's too soon at present though but maybe in a few months.

The contact centre would be if the DH refused to meet the OW and her baby “unchaperoned” because he was scared of her. I also find this a bit silly...

I'd be appalled if the court gave him access on the condition that it didn't take place at his home with OP and her DC. OP's kids are tiny, hardly hostile creatures. Surely a court would give it a chance before imposing such restrictions.

Think about it. The OW’s baby is hardly a welcome addition to the OP’s family: even the DH is expressing a lot of antagonism towards the situation. It sounds like a potential psychological catastrophe.

Well Youbroke, it surely could go into a handbook titled ‚50 ways to fuck up my child in order to punish my ex‘.

Your DC only have one mother - YOU. It's your job to look out for the best interests of YOUR OWN DCs, frankly, not OW's baby. You didn't create this baby, your husband and his OW did. Your husband certainly wasn't putting your DC first when he fucked OW without a condom - you are the only one who can protect them OP.
If you seriously believe your family unit is worth saving then it can't work with OW and baby in your lives - it just can't.

Save your DC from this nightmare by either splitting with husband, or continue with husband having no contact with his other child while he/she is able to be used as a weapon/leverage by OW against you and your husband.

Whic is ironic since the OP is the only adult trying to put the child first

Not really as she thinks it's reasonable for a 2 week old baby to be separated from its mother because (a) it suits her husband and (b) she doesn't trust her husband with the OW.

What is this magic that keeps a child 2 weeks old forever, Marg?

I have thought about it, but I'd still be shocked if a court made that decision based on, so far, no evidence. Don't be patronising.

Why can't the baby come to his dad? I'm divorced, my ex collects the children and takes them to his house with his ow and new baby. Surely this is normal?