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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 02/01/2019 00:38

I'm not sure why DH isn’t on the BC when she wants to play happy families!

Because she can't put him on the BC if he is refusing to engage with her/ set eyes on her.

DBML · 02/01/2019 00:40

Also the baby is only 2 weeks.

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:41

TwistedStitch
The OW wants him to see baby alone at her house.
The husband wants to see baby but have nothing to do with OW.

The compromise for him is he has to see the OW and forge a coparenting relationship bevause that is what's right for the child. The compromise for her is she can't see her ex alone on her terms.

Neither of them would like the compromise option but that's what happens when you start having affairs.

DBML · 02/01/2019 00:41

So may not have even been registered yet? Oops, pressed post too soon.

HappyBumbleBee · 02/01/2019 00:43

I would advise your hubby to get legal advice now. Contact would be organised through the court and can be arranged in a contact centre, with a supervisor present or at a 3rd party neutral ground area etc. He needs legal advice NOW though as it's strange to me how this woman has behaved and wants (seemingly) your hubby for herself, yet he's not on the birth certificate??
Good luck and I hope this doesn't derail your hard work together getting your own relationship back in track x

DBML · 02/01/2019 00:43

And Maisy, I’m not fully convinced he does want to see this child. He told his wife he didn’t and only said he did when pressed. Possibly felt it was the right thing to say. Baby is better off without him now and the DH can focus on rebuilding his family until it’s all dealt with through the courts.

TwistedStitch · 02/01/2019 00:44

Again assuming the baby is registered yet how is she supposed to put him on the birth certificate?

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:46

DBML
I'm not convinced he's told the truth on a few things. I certainly don't buy how he is sure of paternity but they only slept together once.

If he chooses to walk away from.the baby then that will be all documented and then the child can judge him for that in due course. It would be wrong for him to have nothing to him with his child but if that's what he chooses then he has to live with it later.

Sashkin · 02/01/2019 00:46

I won't be able to oversee or maintain the very small piece of control I have left over his communications with her that i have whilst I'm with him

The problem with this is that you really don’t have any control here. She has all the power, and I think that watching your DH jumping when she says jump for the next 18 years is going to tear your marriage apart. You’d be better calling it a day now (that doesn’t mean him moving out today since that would leave you if a difficult situation with your own children, but separating emotionally and making plans to have him move out).

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 00:46

At some point the OW will have to explain to her child WHY it's father wouldn't be alone with her and that she wasn't prepared to compromise so they could have a relationship. In which case the child is likely to resent her as much as him.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:46

The DH certainly won’t be able to see the OW’s baby without the OW present.

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:48

The DH certainly won’t be able to see the OW’s baby without the OW present
I know... I said that pages ago. Confused

But contact centre, at home but with family present, at the park, in a cafe. There are so many options other than 'come to my house alone or you're not seeing your child and yes I have been vile.to your wife because I took a gamble on a married man and am annoyed he didn't pick me'

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 00:49

She can only put him on the birth certificate if he goes with her to register the birth - alone, presumably, which would be unacceptable to him and his wife. Also he doesn't actually know if the baby is his because no DNA test has been done.

category12 · 02/01/2019 00:49

At some point the OW will have to explain to her child WHY it's father wouldn't be alone with her and that she wasn't prepared to compromise so they could have a relationship. In which case the child is likely to resent her as much as him.

Doubtful as she'll be the one controlling the narrative.

MargueritaPink · 02/01/2019 00:49

She's very bitter about the fact I didn't leave him and doesn't want me or our DC to have a relationship with the baby

Why should you have any relationship with her baby? Is she going to have a relationship with your children? Your children and hers are half- siblings but you have no legal or moral right to a relationship with her child.

I suspect he only told me about it all as she was giving him ultimatums and threatening to tell me if he didn't leave me. He decided he wanted to stay in the marriage so told me himself and cut her off. As far as she's concerned I'm never to be involved with arrangements

I don't see why you should be involved. Your and his insisting she hand over a 2 week old baby are beyond unreasonable.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:51

A contact centre is the only viable option of those you list, MaisyPops.

The OW may well have been very unpleasant to the OP but that isn’t a crime or cause for punishment.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 00:52

Margarita Presumably the child will eventually spend every other weekend living in the OP's house with its father and siblings so hard to see how they won't have a relationship.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:53

I didn‘t know the baby will stay 2 weeks old forever.

TwistedStitch · 02/01/2019 00:54

A contact centre is likely the best option for a while but they are a short term thing. Even if he then gets unsupervised contact it will still involve pick ups, drop offs, communicating about arrangements. He can't always have a third party present. Maybe a bit of time will calm things down though.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:54

Presumably the child will eventually spend every other weekend living in the OP's house with its father and siblings so hard to see how they won't have a relationship.

Most improbable. No right minded family court would imagine that the OP and her DC would be a psychologically safe place for this child.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:56

Yeah,Schnitzel in every scenario of patchwork families I know, long term partners are part of the parcel. But anticipating as much in this case is unreasonable, apparently. Maybe cause the baby will remain 2 weeks old forever? Dunno.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 00:59

I think I'd go no contact for a year in the hope things became less raw all round, then pursue access legally. OP gets time to decide what she wants, the baby won't be missing out and its parents just have to lie in the beds they've made.

Youbrokemytwatometer · 02/01/2019 01:00

Why should you have any relationship with her baby?

Because as far as OW knows, OP is staying with her husband - that guy who is the baby's dad? And as much as OW may not want OP to be part of her sons life, that will not be her decision if it all goes to court.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 01:01

No right minded family court would imagine that the OP and her DC would be a psychologically safe place for this child. Which is ironic since the OP is the only adult trying to put the child first.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 01:02

Which brings me to the question: if DH left OP for OW, would he never be allowed to welcome his two DC from that marriage in his family home because OW is unsafe? (Lest we forget, OW has already denigrated those children, something OP has so far not done to OW‘s baby). That surely flies in the face of everything I have ever seen with patchwork families. But ok.

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