DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP you can't live like that long term it will cause you far more damage.

If you can't handle the emotional try and use the practical.

He needs a DNA test.
He needs a complete STI test. You may need one too.
Go and see a solicitor to see where you stand. You don't have to do anything with the information but if you know then at least it is one less thing you have to worry about the worst with.

I am cynical but he has been extremely unlucky that the one and only time he has sex outside your marriage the woman ended up pregnant. You may need to consider this wasn't the first time or it wasn't just the once with her.

It's going to send you into an early grave OP. I know you want the best for your family but I think this situation is so bad it is going to break you and you or your kids don't deserve that.

Fuck. What a nightmare OP. The fact is your DH will, in the fullness of time HAVE to have direct contact and time alone with this woman, and either you trust him or you don't. You can't live your life trying to keep these two apart now that they have a baby together, it's impossible. In your situation having a third party there in the immediate future would be best, but what are you planning to do when this is no longer practical? Either you trust him or you don't, it's really as simple as that.

Why why why would a court insist on a contact centre? They won't

I'm so sorry you're going through this, your world has been tipped upside down.

I know someone in a similar situation, but it wasn't a one night stand, (although his wife still thinks it was years later).

Please make sure he's told you everything, so she can't hold anything over him like a sword of damacles. I'd be slightly concerned that this is already happening as he appears willing to hand over cash after a one night stand without a paternity test.

Take you time and make the right decisions for you and your children.

You or he don't know how many other ONS she may have had.

If he's not insistent on a paternity test I'd wonder if this was going on much longer than you've been led to believe and it wasn't a ONS.

You need to get legal advice OP.
It doesn't matter whether the mother is or isn't breastfeeding, he is entitled to at least a couple of hours alone with the child.
Either that or with a third party at her home/contact centre.
Courts will facilitate this, regardless of what people are telling you on here.
The best interest of that child is to see both parents in a none volatile situation.
They won't just say do as the mother wishes.
She can't just sleep with someone and then say, "oh yeah but I don't trust you with your own child!"
It just doesn't work like that.
I get she doesn't want this and that; You don't want this and that; He doesn't want this and that.
But the courts are the best people to deal with this.
Tell that man to pull his fucking finger out of his arse. Stop being the martyr and sort it out!

If she doesn't agree with what you propose, even if your H backs you there is no way a court is going to agree to a mother being separated from a baby because of your concerns

Rubbish. The courts would be happy to agree to exactly that. As per my post, a couple of hours once a week would be normal for a baby.

I know someone this happened to
The OW wanted him at appts and the birth but wife said no so she had to go it alone.
When the baby was old enough for expressed milk in a bottle the wife did the pick up drop off hand overs etc and all contact
Maintenance was paid but there was strictly no contact with the OW and at first shecwas v v upset in the end when it was apparent nobody was budging on the arrangement that is how it has stayed

Your h is the one who should have started this thread, that you're the one who has, still doing the chasing, the running round, the pick me dance after him, speaks volumes.

I don't think I'll ever fully trust him to have open communication with her and that is obviously a big problem.

He clearly had some feelings for her so for all I know whatever that was could resurface if they are all under one roof with the new baby.

I agree it's not my place to police him and if he's going to go back and pick up where they left off then he'll do it regardless. I'm just so sad because my family has been torn apart by the selfish lust of two people that should have known better than to fuck around when there's a family at home.

Your mental health is hanging by a thread becuase you’re trying to live with a situation that nobody puts up with. Every woman in your situation leaves, becuase this is too awful and humiliating to bear. The more you try the more fragile your mental health will get.

Leave him and be able to look yourself in the mirror again. Your children will be fine. They need a dad who cares about all his children, not just the convenient ones, and a mum with strength and self respect. Don’t model this abject humiliation for them.

prh - I was talking about the baby being taken to the OP's house, not a contact centre for a few hours - should have been clearer.

I might have to remove this comment later but there are situations where I think a termination is genuinely the solution. Solution for a baby that will come into a toxic situation like this. OP’s husband is a dickhead and a cheater. OW is a sneaking thief practically. OP is on the verge of a breakdown and will be left with life-long scars. Her young DCs will find out about this at some point too. This is so toxic.

I wouldn’t be discussing a single thing until a) the paternity test was done (and NOT via the OW in case she messes with it) and b) he is on the birth certificate.

You’re going to have to come up with an entirely new plan, because there’s no way she’s ever ever going to go along with the happy families scenario you’ve described, and frankly, I don’t blame her. I expect during this affair your DH told her he loved her, couldn’t live without her and that he’d leave you etc. So whilst she was an OW, she was also a woman in love with a man who she thought loved her. Now he’s turned his back on her, but expects her to hand over her baby so he can play happy families with their baby with his wife and kids. No bloody way would I be doing that if I was her.

I’m not sure the issues you had before his affair are going to be able to be resolved.

He sounds like he’s running scared.

It’s all a big fat mess, but ultimately, no matter what you say or do, he will end up with whichever of you he thinks will make him happy. You can’t write the script, all you can do is say what you are and aren’t prepared to put up with then live with the decisions he makes.

You need to stop minimising his affair though.

Whatever happens, you will get through this and be ok. You have to hold onto that.

Why is he not formalising access via courts? They won't agree to her rules.

I know this is not the sort of advice you are asking for but I would just leave him now. This situation will grind you down and destroy you.

This.

I'm so sorry you're in such a horrendous situation, courtesy of your husband. You're being amazing trying to find a compromise to make it work but you need to face up to the fact that it won't. Only pain and hurt lie ahead. Carrying on down your current path will only prolong it.

I base this on my own experience, and my situation was nowhere near as complicated as yours OP. Will try to keep it brief but apologies as this is as succinct as I can make it.

My BF and I split up. One week later, he turned up on my doorstep and burst into tears saying that he'd slept with someone else and regretted it and wanted to be with me. (We were young and immature, there was always drama). We got back together. We moved in together and were really happy. A few months later a friend told him that the woman he'd slept with was pregnant. And keeping the baby. Fuck! Of course after the baby was born, it became an absolute nightmare - just as you're starting to find OP. BF and I met the baby once (at the baby mother's flat). Baby mother blanked me the entire time. Baby mother then said that he was never allowed to see his child again if he stayed in a relationship with me. We were unofficially engaged by then (he'd proposed but we hadn't told anyone yet due to the baby drama). Baby mother wanted my BF as part of the deal (so just like the OW with your DH) and definitely wanted me gone. It was horrendous. I ended up seeing a psychotherapist - who suggested I also get pregnant!! Thank God I had enough common sense not to do that. After many rows (both with me and with the baby mother), my BF decided he was choosing me over his child and he would stay with me and lose contact with the baby. But I knew this would destroy us in the long term. There was no way either of us would be able to live with the knowledge that we were putting our relationship before an innocent child. So we split. It was very nasty. I did a runner when he was at work. He didn't know where I was for 7 years after that. It took me a LONG time to get over him. Just reading your posts OP takes me back to that utterly miserable time. I cried like I have never cried before or since. "If only.." you will repeat over and over. But there are no "if only"s. What's done is done.

Please don't put yourself or your DC through this. You and your DH need to make a hard choice - your marriage or the baby. You can't have both. Trying to have both will rip your relationship apart and do untold damage to your DC.

@letmyselfgo I'd be prepared to do the pick ups and hand overs but there's no way she'd allow that.

She's very bitter about the fact I didn't leave him and doesn't want me or our DC to have a relationship with the baby.

I suspect he only told me about it all as she was giving him ultimatums and threatening to tell me if he didn't leave me. He decided he wanted to stay in the marriage so told me himself and cut her off. As far as she's concerned I'm never to be involved with arrangements.

If you’re relationship is so fragile that the only way you think he won’t end up with her is for you to police him then it will fuck you up and fail and fuck your kids up and that other kid
All very slowly and painfully

Cut all communications now. Contact a Lawyer and get a DNA test done as priority then go to Family Court and arrange access. The right of access is with the CHILD, a CHILD has a right to have a relationship with it’s Father, not the other way round.

But I strongly recommend you stop texting the OW, you will get nowhere.

The solution would have been for her h to have kept his dick in his pants.

It’s very easy to say “leave him” but the reality IS far more complex.
You and he need to have many discussions about why it happened, what you both want and how much work will you both realistically put into your relationship, can trust be rebuilt/forgiven etc.

Regarding the child, you need legal advice, a paternity test and ultimately a court order that protects his/the child’s rights to visitation/financial support and states clearly what the arrangements will be.

Your children should be told the truth (in age appropriate fashion), they will grow up knowing many kids who come from blended/single parent/divorced families etc and will cope with it MUCH better than the adults as it’s the only truth they know. They will follow your lead.

Relationship counselling might help you and your DH. Ultimately, trust YOUR instincts, as the father he WILL have rights and OWs manipulations should not be allowed to cause further strain.

Good luck.

I knew a couple like that. In reality the outcome was that he stayed with wife and kids. He paid maintenance and by the time was 1 had stopped contact. V difficult as mother was both local and vocal. I think in reality it was a choice between wife and older kids and new baby. Other woman has said subsequently that she just wanted a baby..
I think you should stop trying to facilitate his relationship and make it better. It's shit created by him.
If you do stay together, it's his responsibility to sort out. You know it's unreasonable for a 2 week old baby to be separated from its mum. What would your reaction have been if it had been suggested for yours?

I'm just so sad because my family has been torn apart by the selfish lust of two people

Using the past tense is correct OP. It has been torn apart. It's done. I'm sorry to be blunt but i think it's going to cause all of you more hurt for the pair of them to try and do some weird co parenting but never meeting in case they can't control their lust than chucking him out and letting him be part time parent to some or all of the kids he's created.

Why exactly IS he saying he wont be alone with her? And is it the same reason he'll give to the courts, when they ask why he wont just see the baby at her home?

Based on what you said, it's extremely unlikely this was a ONS. Why are their feeling involved if they only had sex once?

It sounds like you realise your marriage is over, you state your staying with him just to keep him away from the OW due to your jealousy.

They are both horrible...he chose to have an affair and have unprotected sex. He is no prize to keep! Surely you would get child support and spousal maintenance depending on how much he earns?

I rather be a single mum then be a fool.