DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

It's a volatile situation, of course the courts would accept access in a contact centre.
Whether she doesn't want to drag her their baby out or not isn't the point.
She may well have to. There is no one to blame but themselves.

To be honest though. I actually think you should just leave. This will be a head fuck from start to finish.

She is probably still pissing blood

I think you need some biology lessons!

Which leads me to believe that he slept with her more than once and probably had a full blown affair,

I echo what so many other posters have said already. My heart breaks for you OP - I can sense your desperation at trying to do right by your own DC and this new baby. To minimise the impact the affair has had on them.

But I think you’re trying to attain the unachievable because you and the OW wanted very different things from this scenario.

If I were you, I would cut my losses. The path you’re embarking on is death by a thousand paper cuts. You’ll spend a lifetime monitoring their contact, trying to control their interactions and this isn’t feasible if they are to effectively co-parent. How could they talk about schooling, medical decisions, Christmas etc. otherwise?

I think the best solution is LTB and he can parent both sets of children effectively but I think deep down, you’re afraid that if you left him, he may go running to her anyway? And then your own DC may face losing out on a parent?

The issue with leaving is that we have very young children ourselves and a domestic setting that works well for me and the DC. I don't want to be a struggling single parent or for my DC to have a weekend dad. If I didn't have my own young DC he'd have been ancient history from the moment he came clean.

DH opposes her conditions and is of the opinion she's using the baby to manipulate, he doesn't want to be alone with her which is probably partially for my benefit

Rock and a hard place. It will be long term impossible to have a relationship with the baby without at least some min8mal contact with mum. Unless there is reason to believe she will cause your family problems, a judge is more than likely to tell you all to grow up.

Contact with babies is usually in the baby’s home. A compromise could be a third party being present which will limit any possibility of them rekindling and putting everyone on an equal footing.

Is mum breast feeding? If she is - and she would have been advised to more than likely - then under the age of 6 months, your husband is not going to get a court to agree to contact outside of baby’s home.

Mediation would be a good move. You do need to decide what you will do if your husband doesn’t fight for contact with his child. Let him lead, don’t push him. This is his problem, not yours. You are supportive but you should not be leading this.

I would advise a DNA test ASAP, contact with the CMS asap to get maintenance in place and then mediation for the rest. He also needs to get on the birth certificate which will require a judge’s approval - and probably the dNA test as well. Do some research as all DNA tests are not equal and not all are accepted by the courts.

Your husband should not start court proceeedings without clear evidence he has attempted to do the right thing financially and has evidence he has at least tried to get her into mediation. She may want all this on her terms but you need to see it from her point of view - would you have been happy to hand over your tiny baby in the circumstances?

FGS if you had a two week old baby would you be prepared to hand him or her over? She's just given birth, she's probably breast-feeding, she will not want to be separated from the baby.

It's far too early for all that.

He needs to visit if he wants to build up a relationship with the baby. If you can't trust him not to shag her if he sees her with the newborn, then you're better off out of the relationship.

Of course she doesn't want to have to deal with you being there as well, who would? Do you remember what it's like in the first few weeks of having a newborn? no way would you want to have to cope with the wronged wife.

Give her time and space. Let him see the baby on her terms. If she doesn't soften her attitude to the baby developing a relationship with his or her siblings over time, and dh taking the baby on his own, then go to court. But fgs, the child's only a fortnight old.

It was a turn of phrase not a literal statement.

Paternity test.

Court.

Keep every written piece of correspondence she's provided, and communicate only in writing. If she's being manipulative and unreasonable, this will be obvious.

Tbh OP it isn’t about you and what you would be happy with. It’s about what is best for a very young baby which is to be close to it’s mum. The mum is offering access at her home which is fair at that early stage perhaps with a third party there.

This is your DH’s fault and I think you are going to end up very hurt or perhaps he will walk away from the baby(and I couldn’t be with someone who did that).

Go through the court. It's unlikely that OW will not be involved in contact at this stage as baby is so young. But you will probably be able to get to better visiting arrangements than just OW, DH and baby in her home. Perhaps a public place?

Also they could make an arrangements order that lasts for the foreseeable (for example after 6 months, OH will have baby at your house).

Sorry that you are in this situation. Hopefully you can arrange mutually acceptable visitation arrangements xx

I understand her not wanting to hand a baby to some relative, but there’s no reason she shouldn’t to the baby’s father. If she didn’t trust him to look after a baby, she shouldn’t have had unprotected sex. He is a married man with kids, not some teenager fresh out of school with no clue.

But, even if we give her the benefit of that doubt, there is no reason the father can’t bring the OP to visits at her house. If she refuses that she is just being difficult.

she's offering regular contact in the baby's home with her present. That would be considered in the best interests of the child

^^ this

This is 50 shades of fucked up

^^ also this

You can’t contort yourself into people not getting hurt by this. Your DH has fucked up enormously. The reality is this woman is in your life to a greater or lesser degree forever. Given that the children not suffering means that the distance between your DH and all of his children needs to be as small as possible, the extent of the impact of the OW on you is dependent on the distance between you and your DH ( tip - make it as large as possible)
To be blunt, he has already had an affair with her. His confidence that he needs no paternity test suggests a far closer intimate relationship than a ons (he is confident she didn’t sleep with anyone else because she is his girlfriend) and he has a child with her. How much worse are you seeing this getting through contact?

Why are you doing all the running here?
If your DP was a decent father he would have already looked into paternity tests, getting on the BC and paying a regular contribution to his new DC, but he hasn't done any of this has he?
He's hoping the problem will quietly go away & the two women in his life disagreeing on how the visits should work just enables that.
Tell him yes he needs to get a paternity test & yes he needs to support the child financially, physically & emotionally if the DC is definitely his, but HE needs to sort this out, not you.
I 100% understand why you wouldn't want him to go to the OW house, but tough luck. This is what happens when you stick with a cheater.
You will also have to allow him one on one time with the child for the next 18 years or so, including him doing school runs, taking days off sick when the child is ill, doing the early pick up from school when the DC has banged his head/fallen over in the playground/feels sick, even if this means Jim missing out on pay/giving up an outing with you and your DC.
Potentially he could end up doing 300+ mile round trips if the mum decides to move to continue contact (as happened to my friend).
He will need to clean nits out of the kid's hair, take them on holiday with you, explain to everyone you meet where this new child in your life has come from.
I'm being blunt here, but if you genuinely want your DP to be a decent father, I really don't think you've thought through the full impact this will have on your life.

@SnuggyBuggy if OP's DH can't stop himself shagging the OW without a chaperone being there, he might as well leave OP

First of a, he needs a paternity test.

Then, at your place, i would try and remember how you felt when your dc was just 2 weeks old. Would you have been happy to hand them over to someone who was just ONS? Who is imposing rules as to where the meet up wouod be?
Tbh I can see how the mother doesn’t want to meet-up in a public place blabla. She has just given birth. She is probably very sleep deprived and knackered. Still bleeding. And getting to grips to what been a mother entails.
I think you really need to give her some slack there.
If you Laos have been telling her you want to take the baby to your house, meet their siblings etc... i suspect you might well have frightened the hell out of her too.

The not having someone else present (such as the person is doing the go in between them at ) is more of an issue.

I think that if she doesn’t move and your DH is set of been an active parent in that child’s Life, then either he will have to meet up with her at her place and show his willingness to be a father. Or go through the courts to get an agreement re contact (which I suspect you will need anyway).

The OTHER issue is the fact you actually dint really trust them not to be up to no good if they are on their own together.
The lack of trust is understandable. But you need to be aware that you are putting your DH in a position where he has to chose between his child and you.
Are you still hav8ng counselling together?

Why don't either of you want him to be alone with the mother of the child?

I understand her not wanting to hand a baby to some relative, but there’s no reason she shouldn’t to the baby’s father.

No court is going to demand she hands over a TWO WEEK OLD NEWBORN for several hours for access. Babies of that age need to be near their mothers!

There’s no shame in being a single parent op I speak from past experience being a single parent to a one year old at the time it was hard but life goes on I moved back in with my parents but I got a job, got back on my feet and met someone else got married, why settle for second best?

Could DH go with his mum or dad seeing as it's their grandchild? Would the OW accept that?

I think this is all just a little bit raw. A two-week old baby shouldn't be apart from its mother, and there isn't a chance in hell that a two-week post-partum woman will be able to contemplate that. She shouldn't have to.

I think he should get a solicitor and formally write to her, stating he does intend to persue access to his child but at a time and pace that is mutually beneficial to the baby.

He should also get a paternity test. If the child is his, he should start paying maintenance immediately.

And in six months or so, you should all set up some sort of formal mediation process to establish a way forward that works for everyone. You aren't going to be able to work that out on your own.

I know that means he misses the early months of his child's life, but that's what happens when you get an OW pg. It won't affect his long-term relationship with the child. He needs to cool his jets (and so do you tbh), give OW a chance to get to grips with being a mother, just give everything a chance to settle down a bit.

Out of curiosity, how on earth are you going to explain the appearance of this half sibling to your DC? How old are they?

I really do feel for you as I can imagine it's an impossible situation and it sounds as though the OW is going to make it as difficult as possible.

@lovelytea

Better to be a single parent than a shell of a person, clinging on to a marriage that is dead in the water. Be a good role model for your DC. Have respect for yourself. Trust yourself to get through this on your own.

Sorry but I have to agree with the people that are saying you need to leave him. I know you think that taking him back is best for your family but is it really? How are you going to explain to your kids that their dad has had a baby with someone else and you have allowed him back into your home? What example is that setting to your kids? That it’s ok to treat women like that?

The best thing to do is to leave him and let him go through the court to get contact with the baby (when the baby is old enough to be away from its mother), until then he needs to visit the baby at her house. But this isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t be sorting it.

I suspect with a newborn, and particularly if she is breast feeding, he will struggle to insist on time away from the mother. I suggest he seeks legal advice before he’s established a pattern as an absent father