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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 11:09

Yes!

LoveManyTrustfew · 29/12/2018 11:10

Yes

bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 11:10

How long have you been together?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/12/2018 11:10

You can't have been together for long if your youngest is only 2..

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:10

Moving into another person's home with no right to tenancy is a dangerous move. How long were you out of the relationship before meeting this guy? It can't have been long as you have a 2-year-old. I don't think you've 'taken things slowly' and I think moving to a new city to be with him is a bad move.

Sarah22xx · 29/12/2018 11:12

Don't do it! You'll be putting yourself in a vulnerable position. What if you split up?

H1dingInSight · 29/12/2018 11:12

How long have you been together?

How far away would you be moving?

My initial reaction is that if your Ex is a decent parent then you shouldn’t move.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 29/12/2018 11:12

I don't think selfish, how long have you veen dating? How will you facilitate the girls seeing their dad?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:12

Youngest is almost three. I had separated from ex before youngest was born and have been with the new man for 8 months

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 11:13

It's far too soon and yes it's selfish. Is he pressuring you do move this quickly?

SilverBirchTree · 29/12/2018 11:14

8 months is too soon to move cities for someone, regardless of whether children are involved.

I'd be giving it more time.

Do your children see their dad?

Sarah22xx · 29/12/2018 11:15

8 months is nothing.

SparklyMagpie · 29/12/2018 11:15

8 months?!

No way. Very selfish

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 11:15

I can see now why you left the length of this new relationship out of your op

You are out of an abusive relationship and considering upending your whole life and that of your precious children for the sake of a man you have been with for 8 months ?

You haven't learned a bloody thing, have you ?

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 11:15

If she's only 5 and just started reception, then now is probably the best time to do it rather than leaving it til she's settled. However I'd agree with a pp that it's never a good idea to give up your own home (rented or buying) and move in somewhere where you've got no occupation rights. What if you split up after six months? Where would you go?

OhioOhioOhio · 29/12/2018 11:15

Dont do it.

Redcrayonisthebest · 29/12/2018 11:16

You've been with new man for 8 months and you're considering uprooting your kids to move in with him?? That's not taking things slow. Put everything on hold whilst you take time to get to know him....properly!!

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/12/2018 11:16

8 months? You are considering giving up all of your security and changing your whole life and your children's for a man you have known for 8 months?

Bet he isn't offering to put your name on the deeds of his house when you move in.

SilverBirchTree · 29/12/2018 11:16

How far away is it?

How did you even meet and date someone from another city? How much actual time have you spent together?

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:16

He’s not pressuring me and is happy for us to continue with our current arrangements for a little longer but has expressed that he would prefer for me to move in with him within the next year

OP posts:
ThisWayDown · 29/12/2018 11:16

I’m not sure I’d say you’re being selfish; more that imo you’d be foolish to move in with him.

You said he’s happy to wait re moving in together until the girls are comfortable with him, and then in the very next sentence you say that HE wants you to move in with him now.

If you did, the power balance would be in his favour - his house, his job, his area. If you split up then you’d have to find somewhere else to live. It’s a precarious position to put your kids in. And ultimately their needs face to come first. Pulling one out of the school she’s just started and away from their Dad are, as you say, good reasons not to do it.

I’m getting the impression you haven’t actually been together that line, which, if true, is another good reason to cool your jets.

LaughingCow99 · 29/12/2018 11:17

I think it's too soon as well. Short term you will be better off, but there is no guarantee you will work out. Has he realised the impact of living with two small children? I wouldn't do it, personally.

beerandchocolate · 29/12/2018 11:17

No, I don't think you are selfish. Your daughter is very young and will adapt.

I don't think you are under any obligation to forgo a happy life for yourself so that a abusive man can have easier access to his daughters.

I think you need to be very sure of the relationship though. And think through your best interests. Will you be expected to pay 'rent' to him (I wouldn't do this unless you had a contract giving you some stake in his home, otherwise you are just helping to pay off his mortgage for him and he can kick you out whenever he likes).

ThisWayDown · 29/12/2018 11:18

X posts and have just seen you’ve been with him 8 months. Yes not a good idea at all to move in with him just now. I’d wait at least another 6 months, if not a year.

strawberryalarmclock · 29/12/2018 11:18

8 months! My dc weren't even aware I had a new partner at that point!
Way way too soon.