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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
GrandmaJane · 29/12/2018 11:43

any man at all?

Thespace · 29/12/2018 11:43

And child benefit if he is a high earner?

GrandmaJane · 29/12/2018 11:43

That makes no sense! Will stop posting from my phone.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:45

a few points: i am not on benefits. I’m not in a minimum wage job and although my job is a normal office one, I don’t rely on any benefits as I have savings which make up any shortfall

Ex partner was abusive to me and not to the children which is why I am okay for him to have access to them. I don’t think that my children are in any danger whatsoever when they are with him, and giving him access allows my children to see their grandparents.

I can see how it may appear that a single man is eager for a woman with girls to move in with him, but I seriously doubt that this is the case with him. Having said that, I appreciate the concern and will be more vigilant.

Can I please also reiterate the fact that I am not making plans to move in with him! I merely asked to see what others reaction would be. I acknowledge the danger of making such a move and yes, whilst he did put the thought in my head and I did think about it, it did make me feel uncomfortable hence this post. I have no qualms whatsoever in leaving this man if I believe he is making unsuitable requests. I will speak to him again about this whole thing and see what he says

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 29/12/2018 11:46

Sorry but I think you're being incredibly selfish. Even if you were going to move in in a year - that's after one year and 8 months it's still incredibly quick. None of the women I know who have moved away to be with new partners have put the needs of their children first.

zippey · 29/12/2018 11:46

Also, surely the current arrangement is best for you both? You get the magic of a newish relationship, and he has fewer responsibilities towards your children.

If you move in together, he will need to effectively act in a step father role, and other benefits such as regular sex will surely dwindle for both of you.

Also you don’t need another LTR. Have you thought about being single or a bit or having some casual relationships for a while?

impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 11:50

Have you checked for a criminal record?

Quite frankly, I think you're very, very wrong to even consider this.

Give it five years or so and then consider it.

1forAll74 · 29/12/2018 11:50

I wouldn't say you are being selfish at all, but you need to consider things from all angles.. You said your previous relationship was abusive, but also say that you would feel awful taking your children away from their Dad's area, so you will have to ask him how he feels about this never the less.,as what seems like some happiness for you,and moving away, could possibly cause some hassle with your Ex.

TomorrowsPrincess · 29/12/2018 11:50

I'm met my partner, I already had 4 children from 2 previous (disastrous) relationships and he had no children of his own. He met my children after 6 months, then after 13 months we moved in together. I moved counties, moved my children schools, 40 minutes away from their dads and 5 & 1/2 years later we are still together and gave a child of our own. The kids still see their dad every other weekend.
Some people call this love selfish..... but what about when the kids grow up and move on? I deserved my happiness too and it can work. It's hard work sometimes, making sure everyone is happy and everyone maintains a relationship with parents/children but nothing is impossible!
Do what you feel if right......

brizzledrizzle · 29/12/2018 11:52

Unless you can buy yourself a secure home in the new area then you shouldn't move; if you live with him you will have no security if you split up and then where would you go? I wouldn't get into any relationship unless I could be financially independent.

funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2018 11:53

impossiblecat five years??? Thats as daft as 8 months!

RedSkyLastNight · 29/12/2018 11:53

After only 8 months ,and presumably he's hardly met your DC, why are you (both of you) even talking about moving in together?
An hour apart is not so far that you have to decide now whether the relationship is worth pursuing. And that's close enough that you don't have to move in with him, he coukd commute or you could move somewhere in the middle.

My response would be to say that its to early to be thinking of moving in and you will see what happens over the next year. If that's not acceptable to him, then what does that say?

Gfplux · 29/12/2018 11:54

You are not being selfish but after 8 months you are being hasty. (Perhaps needy)
Perhaps set a date for September 2019 and see what the reaction is.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:54

With regard to my ex, there would be no change for him, if I made the move. The current arrangements with regard to access to the kids would remain in place and it would be perfectly feasible to continue with the arrangements given that new partner lives an hour away.

And please don’t interpret the above as me having made my mind up to move in with new partner! I’m just answering questions in relation to how ex would fit into all this

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/12/2018 11:54

If it's only an hour away then he can commute, no? If not, why not? And please don't kid yourself that office jobs are easy to come by! You could find yourself VERY vulnerable.

(I thought I was a bit hasty when DH moved in after just under 2 years!)

tittietinsel · 29/12/2018 11:55

8 MONTHS!!!

Absolutely not. Do not uproot yourself and your children.

impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 11:55

Why? I waited three years before moving in with my now DH- and that was without children.

What's the rush?

tittietinsel · 29/12/2018 11:56

He wants you to move within a year?

I would be telling him to fuck off. He is already starting to execute control and you barely know him.

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 12:00

Way, way too soon. You barely know this man! Your instincts and boundaries are all over the place.

Branleuse · 29/12/2018 12:00

how far away? If he lives in a different city, how well do you actually know each other if its an 8mth old long distance relationship.

I would tread very carefully here tbh

TeeBee · 29/12/2018 12:04

Nooooo, no, no, no. Too much at stake here. I'm a big believer that you don't really see someone's true colours until you've been out with them for at least a couple of years. All the 'best behaviour' shit slips by then so you can gauge what you're really dealing with. Don't up-end your precious children unless you're 100% sure of who you're moving them in with.

NettleTea · 29/12/2018 12:05

have you stayed, with the children, for any length of time in his home? Does he understabnd that the day to day life of being a mum and putting their needs first is not the same as the time you spend with him when their dad has them and you are on a break? That they can be noisy, unreasonable, demanding, cause plans to change and leave a trail of mess over his probably well organised home, and that all that is OK and just what children do?

You need to do the freedom programme. Everyone should do the freedom programme because it really blows many of the myths of relationships right out of the water.

And finances? that would certainly need sorting out - if you are living with him as a partner, if you are giving up your independance and your secure home, then you need to know you are going to be protected. Is he going to put you on the deeds? Would you be expected to pay 'rent' to contribute to his mortgage (which would help with his asset building, but not yours) or just contribute to the bills (not 50-50 but in proportion to what you earn) some people suggest using the money you previously used for rent to pay a mortgage on a buy to let (dont know if your savings would stretch that far for a deposit) so that you too have some property insurance.

will you be expected to pick up all the housework because he will argue that your kids are making more mess than he is? Or is he going to step up and do his share of everything, which is obviously does now, so why should he stop? Is he taking you on as a 'family' - is he happy to do occassional school drop offs if its hard for you to get home from work? To support you in advancing your career, or does he think you will remain completely responsible for everything to do with childcare. What happens when your savings run out, if you are using them to top up shortfalls - that suggests that you would be eligible for benefits once your savings get to a certain level.

None of these are romantic things to discuss, but they seem to be the cause of distress on many of the threads on here.

But 8 months is nothing. Far too soon. especially with children. After an abusive relationship, even on your own without kids and having had no therapy to help you spot the red flags you missed with your ex, it would still be too soon.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/12/2018 12:08

Eight months? No way. Two years minimum to get to know someone properly and even then I'd err on the side of caution with children involved.

Touchmybum · 29/12/2018 12:08

Frying pan - fire.

Just don't.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/12/2018 12:09

You keep talking about how 'feasible' it will be for you and your children to bend yourselves to meet your boyfriend's terms and suit him. Why not about how 'feasible' it would be for him to just commute to work and not uproot your kids?

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