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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
m0vinf0rward · 29/12/2018 11:18

Yes. No matter what your relationship is like with their father, he has rights too. You will be damaging any relationship he has with his children for your own reasons. He at least deserves a say in the matter before you move, just think how'd you'd feel if the situation was reversed!!!

MrsT4 · 29/12/2018 11:19

Talking about moving together after 8 Months is the opposite of taking things slow.

Do not move in with him yet! Your girls are so little, I'd honestly give it at least another year before I moved in with him.

I met my now DH when my kids were 5&3, we moved in together after 3 years. We've been together 12 years now, If it's the right relationship there is no need to rush, you will have the rest of your lives together won't you?

AutumnCrow · 29/12/2018 11:19

You haven't really taken it slow, then.

Eight months is a short period of time, living in different cities. I think it would be better to carry on as is till the summer and re-assess.

What's the schools situation in new city? What would your tenancy rights be with your DP, if any? How would money be managed? Who would drive to whom for child contact visits?

Cermet · 29/12/2018 11:19

Have you done the Freedom program? I think you might benefit from it, there's a few red flags here... Take it slow and don't let him pressure you. Within the next year is putting pressure on you, no matter how nice you think he is.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 29/12/2018 11:20

8 months is too quick. Very vulnerable situation

Thespace · 29/12/2018 11:20

I think 8 months is way too soon.

How will he be with two small children in his daily life? I think it’s too soon to judge that for him and you.

How far away is his home?

Where does your dc’s dad fit into this arrangement?

TacoLover · 29/12/2018 11:20

You've known him 8 months and you're already putting him ahead of your childrenSad

MrsT4 · 29/12/2018 11:21

Agree with @Cermet completely.

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2018 11:21
  1. Don't move in with anyone after 8 months. With or without kids.
  1. Don't move in to someone else's house. Either get a new place together (he can let his old place or sell) or don't at all. You only have to read all the threads here from problems that moving in someone's house (who feels it's "theirs" not everyones) causes

Overall yes it is selfish as the children need a stable home and they haven't had that yet. Maybe wait until the youngest is starting school in a couple of years when you know this guy better. And still don't move into his house!!

H1dingInSight · 29/12/2018 11:22

8 months? No way.

You also haven’t said how far the move is.

Massive difference between moving from, say, Edinburgh to Glasgow (less than an hour) compared to, say, Bristol to London.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:23

I'm inclined to agree with AnyFucker and Cermet. I think this is a very bad idea and your relationship has moved very fast.

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 11:24

8 months is not very long when you have children to consider. If he talking about moving in together already that's not taking things slow.

Have the two of you discussed possible time scales for the move? Presumably your youngest will start school in September 2020, so personally I would consider moving in summer 2020 (if the circumstances were right) but not before.

How far apart are your homes atm and how long is the journey?

How often do your children see their father?

Where are your family and friends based, would you be moving further away from them?

Have you had any counselling or done the freedom programme since splitting up with your abusive ex?

CarolDanvers · 29/12/2018 11:24

I think you’d be ridiculously shortsighted and yes, selfish, to make you and your powerless children vulnerable and dependent in this way.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 11:25

Firstly, you have children and he doesn’t, therefore he should move if it’s that important to him.

Secondly, I agree, 8 months is way too quick, you can’t know each other anything like well enough to make such a huge move.

But the third and by far most important point, is that your little girl just started school. This is a huge, huge upheaval for a child, she’s just finding her feet, please don’t pull the rug out from under her for the sake of a man who is telling you what he wants without considering what your child needs.

DragonMamma · 29/12/2018 11:25

8 months is way too soon to be making such a move with children. I’d look at it again this time next year.

MyPoodleisWorthTenofYou · 29/12/2018 11:26

You’d be a bloody fool.

Hogtini · 29/12/2018 11:26

8 months is nothing.. I'd wait min 2 years and it would be children first whatever.

dangerrabbit · 29/12/2018 11:26

He should move in with you if he wants to move in together because the children’s needs and stability come first. An 8 month relationship is too short to be thinking about moving in anyway even if no children were involved.

Thespace · 29/12/2018 11:26

Yes give it another year.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:28

The move is an hours (max) drive. Think Nottingham to Birmingham. I don’t think my previous posts were very clear so I will reiterate that he would like me to move in, in around a years time.

With regard to the children’s father, I would ensure that if I did move, I would drop them off to him as per our current arrangement. It’s not impossible to do this as it’s not a long way away.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:28

^He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him.^

Why are you allowing him to set any terms? 'He said we'll do X, Y and Z' and now he's changed the parameters. NO, just no. You are letting him control and push the relationship. This is a huge red flag.

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2018 11:28

Saying within a year is pressure. I have been in a relationship for 15 years with an amazing man. Post an abusive relationship. Still don't live together full time and no pressure of any sort. Do the Freedom Programme. It will help you now, and going forward.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 11:29

I had missed loads of posts including this one:
"he would prefer for me to move in with him within the next year"

NO. That's way too soon. MAYBE summer 2020 but not before.

Also PPs have made a good point about moving into HIS home, you will have no rights and he could make you and your children homeless. You say you're renting at the moment, is it private or council/HA?

Lastly if you're a single mum of two on a low income, I'm guessing you're probably getting some benefits - but that will stop if you move in with him. So you and your daughters will be financially dependent on him.

The fact that you're considering this suggests to me that you still have some work to do in terms of rebuilding your confidence and boundaries after your previous abusive relationship.

JillScarlet · 29/12/2018 11:30

8 months is too soon.
Not selfish, just too soon for you to have processed what a healthy happy normal relationship is.
Abusive relationships leave a long comet tail.

Your own security is the most important thing. Do not do anything that could make you vulnerable.

Do you have any friends yourself in the city? Would you and your DD’s be financially dependent on him to any degree?

He IS pressurising you if he has set a time limit ‘within the next year’.

And sorry, ‘really really like’ is not the same thing as deep, stable, unconditional love and trust but up over time and through experience.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:31

I’ve had not had counselling after coming out of an abusive relationship. I have no idea what the freedom programme is

I agree that the children need stability and a secure future. I will re think my decision, not that I had made it in the first place

OP posts:
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