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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 31/12/2018 15:05

Wow. So glad you’ve sussed him out with the help of women on this forum.

If he persists in contacting you then it may be worth sending one more brief text along the lines of ‘I asked you not to contact me again.Any further contact by you in any form will taken as harrassment.’

It may be worth contacting the police in order to get your concerns ‘on the record’.. Others, principally women, will be better able to advise you whether that is useful at this juncture.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 31/12/2018 15:08

What’s your theory for him being so keen to move in with you op?

AnotherEmma · 31/12/2018 15:10

Twat free 2019, love it Grin

Cheers to that, happy new year lovely!

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 15:12

What’s your theory for him being so keen to move in with you op?

People often push for this in order to step up the control they have over the victim.

XOhTriangleSquare · 31/12/2018 15:24

He wants you to call him back because he was trying to buy some time to think of a new angle to counteract your concerns.

Don’t call him back. Happy twat free new year!

beansontoastfortea · 31/12/2018 15:26

Yes op!!! Congrats I'm so happy for you!!!

This is going to be a huge turning point in your life!

No2palmoil · 31/12/2018 15:26

Wow scary stuff. That conversation must have been really draining but well done you for persevering. " call me back later so I can get angry" what a wanker!!! I know that's not exactly what he said but that's totally what he meant.

I hope the hours distance puts him off any creepy stalker jag shit but keep your guard up, sorry not trying to alarm you but the more charming ones are the scariest I find.

No2palmoil · 31/12/2018 15:27

Stalker shit* dunno where the jag came in 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dieu · 31/12/2018 15:30

I despair!
I wish you well, but don't do it.

JK1773 · 31/12/2018 15:30

I predict his behaviour may escalate in terms of pestering and lying. I’m glad there is distance between you. Just cut off all contact straight away x

Whatevszz · 31/12/2018 16:10

Definitely think you've dodged a bullet OP. I think you'll get so much out of the freedom programme. Hope you do it, you've inspired me to sign up too, we owe it to our kids, and ourselves.

user1479305498 · 31/12/2018 16:29

I would certainly be doing some ‘checking’ OP, if only for your own sanity. I had a bad experience with this between my 2 marriages. A guy lied to me about what he did before I moved in with him (far too quickly). He was sharp and charming , so was very plausible, I don’t think it was particularly malicious, it was done to impress as I had held good jobs and he thought I wouldn’t be interested if he told the truth. In my case my boys were with their dad but certainly if kids are involved you have to be careful in all kinds of ways. He may be 100% kosher but better to be safe than sorry and if he is genuine he will totally understand this and not rush you either

ThatPeskyElf · 31/12/2018 16:41

Also hoping for a twat free 2019
🥂🥂

WisdomOfCrowds · 31/12/2018 18:18

100%just text him "its over" then block on everything. But be prepared for him to go to some lengths to try and bring you back under his control. He obviously thought he'd found an easy mark and will be angry now that you've stood up for yourself. He's bad fucking news OP. Don't believ anything he says to you, not ever. Just block and grey rock. Twat free 2019!

Branleuse · 31/12/2018 18:33

I can see that there are some odd things about this guy, but nothing screams red flags at me so far that warrant running for the hills if you actually like the guy. You obviously do need to be assertive though and not move in together before youre ready, especially with children involved, but yknow, it is possible to just say what you want and stick to it, without making up stories about how someone is going to definitely be an abuser

nicenewdusters · 31/12/2018 18:34

Are you the OP's ex boyfriend ?

Branleuse · 31/12/2018 18:49

me? lol, no.

Im as excited as anyone here when someone LsTB, but on the other hand, sometimes its like nobody is allowed to be even a little bit weird about stuff. I mean what is it? He seems too eager to move in? Well yeah he does, so dont move in. Take it slower and see how it goes for a couple of years. Go on some holidays together

zippey · 31/12/2018 19:43

I think Branleuse makes some good points. When someone posts then the relationship is put under a microscope and their personal faults define the person. Usually it’s a bloke or a MIL.

But the OP knows her fella and there were some alarm bells ringing. I think she’s had some good advice on this thread to think over.

He does seem a bit over eager to move in and my feeling is that he doesn’t really factor in the children, so life will be a lot different to how he thinks it will be. Holding all the cards in his hand weakens the OPs position especially if she is moving to a new place with her kids.

Take it slow.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2018 20:02

Good for you OP! Here’s to a brilliant and independent 2019

WisdomOfCrowds · 31/12/2018 20:36

I think if it was a) just overeagerness and b) OP wasn't fresh out of an abusive marriage then yes, asserting some boundaries and taking it slow might have been enough to get things back on track. But this guy hasn't just been "a little bit weird". He's totally ignored OP when she said she didn't want to move in, made references to wanting to know where she is and what she's up to all the time, lied about a job in her city, lied about putting his house on the market/ up for rent, told her to call him back so he could get angry with her when she tried to break up with him, plus whatever that weird voice analysis bollocks was all about. This guy isn't just a bit keen and a bit weird. He's controlling. He's not just pushing ops boundaries, he's trying to proceed like they don't even exist. Like what he wants is all that matters. He's lied repeatedly in order to manipulate her. It's obvious that he hadn't already got viewings lined up for his house, but he said he did to try and make her feel guilty and give in to his demands. He's not pushing to move in with her because he thinks it's true live forever, he's pushing because he's a controlling asshole who has sniffed out a vulnerable woman and wants to dig his claws deeper into her. If he'd had it his way she'd have taken her kids out of school, given up her job and flat, and moved in with him, signed up for an MA and become completely at his mercy. No money, no legal right to stay in his house, no support system, no way of leaving him. And then it would have really begun - wanting her to account for her whereabouts at all times, controlling her financially, sulking and tantrums or threats to make her homeless if she ever challenged him. This guy has shown he's more than capable of all the above. As things have turned out, the OP didn't even have the self esteem to not answer his phone call despite saying she didn't want to, so had she moved in with him it could well have been years before she was able to gather the confidence and resources to leave. So whilst I get your point that MN can be a bit LTB trigger happy at times, I think there's more than enough evidence here that this isn't one of those times.

And OP, not meeting/ taking phone calls from people you don't want to speak to is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. This is what we're talking about with your eroded boundaries. You're perfectly entitled to say "no, I don't want to do that", and not tolerate anyone bullying or manipulating you to do otherwise. You definitely need to put dating on hold until you have these boundaries firmly in place.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2018 21:09

Well done OP. Amazing to think that at the beginning of the thread you were considering uprooting your children away from school and their dad to live in a virtual strangers house some distance away Shock

LovingLola · 31/12/2018 21:12

A whirlwind 48 hours !!!

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 31/12/2018 21:27

Wisdom is spot on. You’re absolutely right when you said ‘what he wants is all that matters’. It reminds me of the times we would arrange to meet somewhere (he would drive to my city) and we would have agreed to meet at a certain (reasonable) time but he would always, always come two hours early and then sulk a bit if i was taking long. He didn’t know when the children went to their dad and looking back now he probably thought I could change my arrangements with their dad for him, at the last minute.

Teaches - I’m really disappointed to say, if it wasn’t for the fact that my daughter had started school in September I would have 100% moved.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2018 21:35

What a scary thought OP, I'm so glad we've been able to help. I'm a single parent too and know it's hard but relationships can wait for now.

Always ask yourself 'is this in the best interest of my children'? If the answer is no then don't do it.

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 21:39

Twinkle, I really hope you don't date again until you've done the Freedom Programme and a lot of work on your assertiveness and boundaries. You and your children deserve this at the least. Don't engage with this man anymore, he just completely disregarded everything you said.