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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 29/12/2018 13:21

He’s not pressuring me and is happy for us to continue with our current arrangements for a little longer but has expressed that he would prefer for me to move in with him within the next year.

Tough! It's not about him. DC's come first, each and every time .

TheBigBangRocks · 29/12/2018 13:27

You can barely know him after that short period of dating, if you were single it would be a risk but you know the consequences.

However when their are children involved then they come first. Moving them from their school and father for a man you've dated for a few months is madness. They should be your priority not him. The very fact he doesn't want to give up anything says a lot.

Thissameearth · 29/12/2018 13:29

If it’s an hour then why then why is your distance a problem for a new relationship (and 8 months is new). Also, if he had a problem with it why isn’t he offering to move to you and commuting? An hour is nothing for a commute and I cannot imagine any decent man (or woman) thinking that 3 people including two very young children should be uprooted for tha person’s own benefit.

I think it’s pretty telling that you think 8 months and discussing moving cities and living together is slow. It’s not slow for a single person let alone with kids, it’s a genuine question what makes you say you’ve taken it slowly?

Even him saying I want a move within a period is exerting pressure. Tell him you’d like to take it off the table and make it clear you’re not sure you’ll ever want to move. Watch his reaction carefully. He can choose not to continue with the relationship if you’ve been honest and that’s fine. But you and your kids need time.

You need to be very careful here, you know it’s not just yourself you’re making vulnerable but two kids who have no real comprehension or choice. You need to ensure their safety and yes it’s a horrible sad fact that certain people, predominantly men, have preyed on single mothers to get access to children, both male and female, to abuse. So physical safety first of all. Then their emotional well-being and security. You need to be certain both will be safeguarded. If you can’t be, walk away.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 13:29

I would have thought that if he was abusive, he would have made digs at me about my situation? He has a good job, has a doctorate, own house, no children ... me on the other hand, single mum, normal job.. he’s never mentioned that he’s doing me a ‘favour’ or anything and he doesn’t really go on about his job / money etc

Whilst it could appear that he may want someone to look after him and do the chores, I don’t think he has this mentality. He is quite keen for me to develop myself and has encouraged me when I mentioned I wanted to go back to uni for a MA.

There’s a lot of differences between him and my ex, who made me leave a well paid job to stay home and raise my eldest

Maybe I’ve been naive this whole time and I’ve re read every single reply on this thread and taken everyone’s concerns on board

I will not be moving in with him, I think the current arrangement is the best. I will let him
Know this when I speak to him

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 29/12/2018 13:30

I think 8 months is far too soon to do this.

I’d give it at least 2-3 years

milkandpancakes · 29/12/2018 13:30

8 months? Oh for fucks sake what is wrong with some women???SadAngry

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 13:35

He might not be abusive, he might be, it's far too soon to tell and even if he's not abusive, you still shouldn't move in with him or at least not yet.

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 29/12/2018 13:36

Can you not see how unreasonable it is for him to expect that you would change your children's schools and quit your job, because he doesn't want to commute?

Slow it down. There's no rush. If the relationship is solid it's not going anywhere.

impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 13:38

Glad to hear it!

Abusers can be very, very charming. Right up and til they've got you where they want you....

Educated, nice-seeming men can be perverts too. Please check if he has a criminal record.

If he rapes one of your daughters you will never forgive yourself.

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 13:40

OP, with every post, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that your knowledge of this man is pretty superficial. It’s great that you’re not going to take this (potentially disastrous) step, but ask yourself seriously why you were even contemplating disrupting your life, job, housing situation, finances, independence and your children’s lives, for a man you can hardly know? That’s why people are suggesting the Freedom programme, and wondering why there has been no discussion about your boyfriend eventually moving to your area, given that his life would be far less disrupted than yours, bar a commute.

Many people would not be contemplating even introducing a boyfriend to their children for another year at least. Obviously, there’s no hard and fast rule, but it’s worth thinking about and recalibration your sense of fast and slow.

twattymctwatterson · 29/12/2018 13:41

You have the children, they have a life in your home town including school. If he's serious about you he'll move to you, but not yet. My recommendation would be wait another year and he can rent his place out and you can both rent together/he moves into yours. He does the hour's commute which is nothing and you see how the relationship goes. If it seems like he's not going for that or accepting of what you need to feel secure in the relationship I'd suggest he's someone to avoid

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 13:43

There's literally nothing in it for you and your kids and it's all on his terms. You lose your job and financial security, the secure roof over your kids' heads (living in his house you have no rights, at least with a tenancy agreement you do have some rights), your support network, your child's place at school for . . . a man.

He risks . . . nothing. If it doesn't work out he can tell you to leave and you have to go.

The threads on here with the exact scenario are legion and all the same: she moved and moved her kids to be with him (almost always unmarried), it hasn't 'worked out', she hasn't been able to find a job/lost the benefits/he's financially controlling or abusive and she's usually pregnant by the guy and/or already has child by the guy and is expecting another one. She's lost the lot and all he has to do is find another girlfriend.

I moved to be with a boyfriend long ago after we'd been together a year and a half. He did the ol' 'It's not working out' when he realised I wasn't willing to be a FT skivvy to him on top of working FT to pay my 50%. Luckily I had no kids and worked in a profession where you can really, truly pick up work easily but it all ended up costing me a couple thousand pounds and again, this was about 25 years ago.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/12/2018 13:44

8 months? I thought you said you'd taken it slow!!

JudgeRindersMinder · 29/12/2018 13:49

I don’t think I’d even farted in front of my now husband after 8 months!!

thethoughtfox · 29/12/2018 13:51

You and your children need time to bond and heal after a violent relationship. I would think working on this would be better than considering a relationship with another person never mind uprooting their lives again.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 13:53

He was very charming, too, seemed very supportive, the works. Then when I moved in his true colours began to show. There was a reason(s) why he was still single with all he had going for him (on paper).

I had sold off all my furniture, left my job, even sold my car as he had two. Had to find another place to rent, buy another car and build back my furniture. I had to go and buy a bed, FFS! Was very lucky I had a supportive family, savings and the skill set I did because once he rounded on me he pretty much wanted to erase me from his life immediately.

Jackshouse · 29/12/2018 13:53

8 months! My child would not be meeting a new man only 8 months into a relationship never mind moving in with him.

Have you done that freedom programme?

Lifeofsmiley · 29/12/2018 13:58

8 months in and he should barely even have met your children never mind uprooting your life for him.

BitchQueen90 · 29/12/2018 14:02

I'm a single mum and I would never move in at all with another man let alone to a different city.

If he has no DC then if he was serious about your relationship then he wouldn't want to disrupt your children and he would be prepared to make the sacrifices, not expect you to.

BitchQueen90 · 29/12/2018 14:03

Also you will be leaving yourself very vulnerable if he owns his house. If you are not married you won't have any rights and you and your DC could become homeless if it doesn't work out.

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/12/2018 14:05

Op is getting a hard time here. I think she's got the message that everyone thinks it's a bad idea to uproot her family after 8 months and is considering the Freedom Programme.
Her question was about moving in within the next year. Not tomorrow. I'd say that moving in together in the next 1-2 years would be a perfectly reasonable thing to consider, plan for, make steps towards such as holidays, parenting classes, really researching the jobs and schools and properties in both cities (and in between).
Taking 5 years to do something like this (as one pp suggested) could completely rule out them having dc together. (Which btw OP is something you should definitely be sure you're on the same page with your oh before agreeing to think about moving in!).

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 14:13

Taking 5 years to do something like this (as one pp suggested) could completely rule out them having dc together

Oh, god forbid people not sprog off with every 'partner' they get Hmm. Unless the OP is 45, there's no reason waiting 5 years would 'completely rule out them having dc together' (that's provided they even want to or can afford to). Uprooting your existing children's lives into this type of precarious situation because of your own desire to have yet more kids with someone else would be incredibly selfish and stupid (which the OP is obviously not as she's going to stay put for now).

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 14:15

Honestly, School. The children the OP already has are more important than the notional, imaginary children she might have with this man who is still just a new boyfriend.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 14:16

It may appear OP is getting a hard time here, but the replies have given her lots to consider. She is not long out of an abusive relationship, and seems to still be in the ' must please the man' mindset.

Her opening post says she's met a 'wonderful man'. He may appear wonderful to her after her abusive ex, but her boundaries will be skewed.

This current man could well be sensing OP's vulnerability.

megcustard · 29/12/2018 14:21

Why can't he move to your city and commute?