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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
ThisWayDown · 29/12/2018 11:31

I think particularly as you have girls, you need to move forward slowly and be really sure of what type of person he is before moving in. I have a free friends who work in criminal law and they have both talked several times of cases where a man has specifically groomed a single mother and her (usually) girls to get close access to children.

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2018 11:32

Statistically this man is most likely to abuse your daughters. I think it’s questionable that a single child free man is keen for two kids to move in and upend his life, after such a short period of time. How many times have your girls even met him

I also question you being so keen to facilitate access to an abusive father

The suggestion to do the Freedom programme is excellent

BifsWif · 29/12/2018 11:32

What happens if you split up? Where will you go? Is he putting you on his mortgage?

Yes, it would be selfish - your child has already gone through major changes and deserves to be your priority. She needs stability.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 11:32

OP you’re going to do it anyway, so why ask?

Put a man before your kids. It’s your choice. But not the right or proper one. Your conscience has to live with that, we don’t.

ThatPeskyElf · 29/12/2018 11:32

At 18 months I discovered one of my ex’s had a wife and 3 kids he had kept hidden. Plus a criminal record for corporate manslaughter. He forgot to mention it apparently.

You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you and I hope your kids and he don’t know each other yet either!

MrsFoxPlus4 · 29/12/2018 11:33

Is she going to do it anyways? She simply asked a question 😂

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:33

Lastly if you're a single mum of two on a low income, I'm guessing you're probably getting some benefits - but that will stop if you move in with him.

This, and if you're not on UC now, you will be if you move in with him and then it doesn't go well. He should be the one to move.

WisdomOfCrowds · 29/12/2018 11:33

Agree with everyone else. Sure he owns a house (which he can easily let out if he moves), cant move jobs (really? If you can find work on your city then he can too), and blah blah blah other reasons. At the end of the day hr just doesn't want the hassle of uprooting his life for you but he's happy for you to uproot yours and your kids life for him. And I also echo those in betting that he's not offering you any security, like a tenancy agreement if you move. You're asking if you should leave your whole support network and your children's schools, friends, and father, in order to prevent this virtual stranger from having to make any life changes despite having no one to consider but himself. And he's pressuring you by saying you have to do it within a year? This guy is not a good guy. Seriously, do the freedom programme before you end up in another abusive relationship.

funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2018 11:34

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said, planning to move in together after 8 months is NOT "taking it slow"! It would be moving fast even if neither of you had kids, but when you throw young kids into the mix, its just too much, too quickly.

How far away does he live now? Is it feasible for him to move to your city and commute to his job? Or maybe move in with you part-time, so be with you at weekends, but live in hus city during the week?

The current Mr Floozy and I have only been together 5 months, we have discussed potentially moving in together one day, but frankly it's at least a year away! I would wait until you have known him at least a year before you make him a full-time dad to your children. If he is a good man, he will understand your caution.

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 11:34

"I’ve had not had counselling after coming out of an abusive relationship. I have no idea what the freedom programme is"

You must prioritise both of these things. Ask your GP about counselling. See www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 11:35

Is she going to do it anyways? She simply asked a question

Which many then answered, with valid, sensible and thought out posts. OP only responded with her plans. So aye, I’d say she’s going to do it anyway, wouldn’t you?

AJPTaylor · 29/12/2018 11:35

Reconsider the whole thing in a year. Too soon.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2018 11:35

And if you don't do as he says ? What then ?

Tell him today you have decided you are putting your children first and you have no intention of making you all so vulnerable in the near future, or even at all

Consider his reaction to that carefully.

mindutopia · 29/12/2018 11:35

I think as you are the more settled one, he needs to be willing to move to you. Very few places are so remote as to be not commutable to a major city. Hell, I’ve done a 3 hour commute to London when I had a toddler. It wasn’t easy but it was a necessary sacrifice for maintaining family life. It just sounds like a really vulnerable situation to get yourself into for a relationship that is still quite new and a shame to take your kids away from everything they know. Why not suggest he rents his house and you rent closer to your dds school and he tries out commuting?

MrsFoxPlus4 · 29/12/2018 11:36

Iv seen no definite plans stated.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 11:36

MrsFoxPlus4 different people interpret things differently. Hold the front page 😂

zippey · 29/12/2018 11:37

It sounds like he is principally driving this change of your circumstance. I agree that he should be moving if it’s so important to him. By not moving he is saying that his job is more important than the inconvenience it would cause.

Do what you want but try and make yourself not as vulnerable for when you guys split. For example, find a job first.

But what’s the problem with waiting a few years? If it’s true love then all should be fine.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:37

I'm glad you are 'rethinking' your decision but the fact that you even considered this is ringing alarm bells and I think you need Freedom Programme and counselling. It's very common for people who come out of abusive relationships to move into another, usually with a different form of abuse becoming apparent.

notapizzaeater · 29/12/2018 11:37

How often does dad see the kids? Does he see them mid week as well ? Have you friends here ? Could you move half way on your own to be closer to him but not move in ? 8 months isn't that long with kids

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/12/2018 11:39

He only lives an hour away? Then he can move to your city and fucking commute then!

WitsEnding · 29/12/2018 11:40

If someone was expecting me to upend my life and my children's lives and become dependent on them, I'd expect them to marry me first.

This is what marriage was invented for. If he hasn't proposed because it's too soon, then it's too soon for you to move. He's not committed to you.

Whatevszz · 29/12/2018 11:41

Red flag alert. Why is he setting the pace? His 'within the year' almost sounds like an ultimatum. Very dodgy sounding.

Thespace · 29/12/2018 11:42

Your op definitely does not say that that the move is in a year’s time.

I also noticed that you said you ‘really really like’ him. That is not enough. What if you really really go off him as you get to know him.

Also good point about benefits. What will you be entitled to? Who will be paying while you look for work? Will he supplement your income if you lose tax credits/universal credit?

GrandmaJane · 29/12/2018 11:42

Radical thought here - why not put your children first and *not move in with

Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 11:43

My mum did this, go slow. It affected us a lot and the relationship was abusive.

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