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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 29/12/2018 12:10

Why do idiotic women insist on pulling shit like this. You have a child in school and a toddler. You have known him 8 months and already talking about uprooting yourself and your kids to move into HIS house. Give your head a shake. Your priority should be your children.

NettleTea · 29/12/2018 12:11

alternatively he could rent his house out and try moving in with you (not right now) for a period of time to see how he adjusts to family life as that is going to be a massive game changer and he really doesnt have a clue how that will pan out day to day.
if you dont have any benefits then this would benefit you. he can use his rent to cover the mortgage and commute, and then he can contribute to bills in your home which will be less for both of you.
Yes, it may be a bit smaller that his present home, and he would have to commute, but if he isnt willing to give this a go, which means it keeps you both secure during a trial period of , say a couple of years of living together, then why should you give up ALL your security for him?
And dont get pregnant to him in this time.
And then, if its really going well and serious, he would no doubt be willing to get married before you move to his place and give up your home?

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 12:12

This is totally ridiculous. I can't even express how much this is a bad idea.

Belindabauer · 29/12/2018 12:17

No don't do it, far too soon, give it more time.

willyloman · 29/12/2018 12:17

Give yourself time to get your own life together. You say you've separated from one demanding man, now you're running after another?...Please take a break and give your children's welfare some serious thought. I imagine a bit of stability would not go amiss in their lives. Easy to get caught up in 'romance' of new love, but you are not a teenager - are you? Good luck.

Thespace · 29/12/2018 12:20

Also don’t underestimate how difficult it might be to get a new job on the same salary.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/12/2018 12:20

Without counselling or therapy, you are in the very real - and highly likely - danger of making the same decision.

AnoukSpirit · 29/12/2018 12:21

OP, the Freedom Programme is an information course. The groups are free to attend, confidential, and often have crèche facilities. It's women only. It's a 12 week course (2hrs pw) and operates on a rolling basis so if you start partway through or miss sessions you just keep going until you've covered all 12 sessions (each one covers a different topic).

You don't have to stand up and share your history, you don't have to share anything if you don't want to - you can just listen. It's not counselling, although the groups are supportive.

They help you understand the dynamics behind abuse and what drives it, rather than just giving you a ticklist of specific abusive actions to spot they help you identify any abuse. As well as what's not abuse, but simply being an imperfect human.

They teach what healthy relationships looks like so you have a model of what a genuinely non-abusive relationship with somebody who loves and respects you is like. Rather than relying upon "this man doesn't do the specific abusive things my ex did and therefore can't be abusive" they show you how to identify different types of abuse - different abusers behave differently so comparing one to the other to decide if s new person is abusive is dangerous and unreliable.

It teaches early warning signs that somebody will become abusive or is preparing you for abuse. It teaches you how a healthy relationship begins and progresses. It gives you confidence in identifying the difference and in trusting your instincts again.

It helps you understand how being abused has affected you, how you can recover from it, and ways you've been affected that you may not yet have realised because the abuse was normalised.

It explains the impact on children, even if they weren't directly targeted, so that you can have the knowledge and tools to heal them and ensure they grow up understanding what a healthy relationship is like and how they deserve to be treated in relationships themselves.

Basically, it sets you up for the future, to be able to protect yourself and your children, to be able to trust your instincts and make decisions you can be confident in.

They won't tell you what to do or judge you.

I'm not involved with the charity, but I've attended FP myself. When it was first suggested to me I didn't understand why, and I attended the first week still thinking "I don't know why I'm here, this is for other people, not me". I thought I knew everything I needed to know about abuse and that there was nothing they could say that would be useful or relevant to me. Once it started I quickly realised why I was there, why it had been suggested to me, and why I needed to stick it out. It honestly transformed my life for the better.

I hope you will give it a go. Knowledge is power. Take as much as is useful to you and then make your own decisions.

You've had the link, but I'll include it again for ease of clicking! Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 12:35

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

At least do this first, please.

Even if it's clear, he may still be sexually interested in your daughters. Why risk that? Why?

BrokenWing · 29/12/2018 12:35

8 months? You barely know this man and you are more worried about moving your daughters school than moving her in with a virtual stranger!

I would also be concerned with any childless man who has no concept of the commitment required to live as a family with 2 young children to want you to move in with him so quickly.

Miggeldy · 29/12/2018 12:38

Some women will do anything for a pair of trousers..... Sad

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 12:40

@Miggeldy

How helpful Hmm

You’d get on well with my sour faced, up herself, maiden Aunt.

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 12:48

Miggeldy - save your tears love!

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 12:49

What's with people calling everyone they date for 5 minutes a 'partner'? 8 months in he's a boyfriend, but he's already talking about you quitting your job (BAD move) to move in with him? Alarm bells should be ringing in your head.

I will speak to him again about this whole thing and see what he says

Why? YOU decide what's best for you and your kids. You're in control of your life, not based on what he says. Just tell him, 'Think it's best to keep things as they are for now'.

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 12:49

Thank you for the information in regard to the freedom programme. It looks good and I anticipate that I could benefit from attending such a programme.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 12:53

Really give it a go, Twinkle, it's so common for people who have left abusive relationships to move on to another one. The relationships board here is full of it - then the woman gets pregnant again and finds herself in a real pickle.

auntsarent · 29/12/2018 13:02

I don't understand what's in it for you. You can see each other every weekend, and even several week nights if you're only an hour away. I would only move in to be in an equal partnership. Realistically this would involve marriage as he owns the house. Or you both buy somewhere new.

My concern would be what's in it for him (you moving in). Is he expecting you to look after him and do all the chores? So many posts on here where that happens. If you do move, it will be more difficult to move again, and uproot schools once more

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 13:04

The Freedom Programme, that's what I meant by 'give it a go'.

Battenburg1978 · 29/12/2018 13:05

To give a timeline perspective, I didn't even meet my partners child until we had been together for over 1.5 years and that is without any factors of moving cities or abuse in the prior relationship. I appreciate that that's probably towards the other end of the scale but at the same time I understand he wanted to be absolutely sure of the relationship before bringing it into his daughter's life.

I would advise caution on making any big moves a there may of course be nothing to be cautious about in the end, but you will know that you've taken all the right steps to keep your kids as stable as possible and further down the line you'll know your partner better too and will have spent more extended periods of time together. Depending on his family situation / background, he might not know very much about the reality of life with 2 kids and it'd be best to be confident that it's all work before making a move.

FlorencesHunger · 29/12/2018 13:08

From experience I wouldn't do it, there's alot to be said about being independant from a partner when you have children. There's alot at stake.

I went from an abusive relationship and then a partner moved in after a year, he thought of it and I went along with it. I was miserable from the off. He wasn't a bad person and we are still friends today but alot of men with no children expect alot of compromise without considering them and do impose their views. What I'm saying is don't compromise yourself there is plenty time for the relationship to blossom with a better picture of what both sides are signing up for.

Living with people isn't all its cracked up to be but that just me.

user1479305498 · 29/12/2018 13:10

Don’t do it, I did many many years ago and then felt trapped, obliged and vulnerable, give it at least 2 years and make sure you have cash behind you

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2018 13:16

I'm really glad you're seriously considering the Freedom Programme. Hope there is a course available near you, and soon.

I just wanted to add a few points to consider in relation to this:

"i am not on benefits. I’m not in a minimum wage job and although my job is a normal office one, I don’t rely on any benefits as I have savings which make up any shortfall"

Firstly don't underestimate the advantages of your job and assume you'll easily be able to get a job with the same advantages elsewhere. Consider salary but also the following:

  • annual leave, pension and other benefits
  • working hours including flexibility and commute time
  • after being in the same job for 2 years, you have additional rights including the right to claim unfair dismissal and the right to redundancy pay; in practice this makes your job slightly more secure
  • less obvious factors such as what your boss is like, opportunities for progression, how well you get on with colleagues - none of these are deal breakers but if these things are all positive at the moment it would be a shame to give them up and risk being in a less positive working environment.

Secondly, if you lose your job while living with a partner in paid work, you will be entitled to claim contributory JSA ("new-style JSA" under the UC system) for up to 6 months while you look for a new job, but that's only £73.10/week. You won't be able to claim any means-tested benefits (namely Universal Credit) as he will be expected to support you and your children financially.

Lastly, you said that you don't claim benefits because you are using savings to make up the shortfall between your income and expenditure. But if your savings are less than £16k you may still be entitled to claim benefits (any savings under £6k are ignored, savings between £6-16k will reduce your entitlement). Your income might be too high anyway but it is worth checking using an online benefits calculator such as www.entitledto.co.uk. Please don't wait until your savings have all gone before considering your benefit entitlement and also budgeting carefully.

Mum4Fergus · 29/12/2018 13:19

8 months! Jesus, no, don't even consider it.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 13:19

I will speak to him again about this whole thing and see what he says

Oh dear. As thebaronetofcockburn said - YOU decide what's best for your family - not him, a virtual stranger in your lives.

MerryChristmasArthur · 29/12/2018 13:20

From my own personal experience as a single mother, married & divorced I would wait two years at least before moving in together. If he is willing to move to you and to move his life over to you & you & the kids are happy with how he treats you all then he is a keeper.
For the sake of your children's mental health rushing things through when he's never had kids of his own is just asking for trouble.
I suggest lots of holidays together, getting him to attend a parenting group and for him to start looking for a job your end first.
He needs to be completely committed and I'm afraid him not wanting to leave his job or house (he could easily commute an hour from yours to his job) is not exactly very promising now is it.
I would say that yes you would love to move in with him but only when you've reached 2 years but he must move to you as your dc come first!!

I think all adults who are moving into a household with kids should attend parenting groups personally! Would save a lot of heartache in the long run with clashes between kids, parents & step parents.

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