Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

[Twinkle2019]

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

"we would have agreed to meet at a certain (reasonable) time but he would always, always come two hours early and then sulk a bit if i was taking long."

Wtf? That's really weird. Did you not think so at the time?

Bless you, you are not disturbed. Massively lacking in boundaries and made the mistake of thinking all abuse looks the same when it does not. That is what happens when no-one loves you unconditionally when you are growing up and teaches you boundaries exist.

The start of your thread very much reminded me of my ex, in fact I cannot think about it. I was not on MN in those days.

The fact that he approached you in a coffee shop and proceeded to invite himself into your life - he is very manipulative and controlling. Better to be out now that him messing with your head so far you do not know what way is up anymore.

I hope he does not know where you live or work.

All the best for the new year and a new you

*than him

AnotherEmma - he would have excuses like ‘oh I didn’t want to hit the traffic’ or ‘I woke up early and thought may as well make my way to you’ I did find it a bit weird especially because he wouldn’t actually let me know he’s coming beforehand, just text when he’s almost near, but then he’d always be really nice once we met so I didn’t give it much attention afterwards

I guess they are very subtle to begin with. Good at making excuses, being charming... not manipulating you quite enough to send you running, but still manipulating you.

It's not your fault that you didn't see it, it was his fault for being a wolf in sheep's clothing.

This thread has also inspired me to check out the Fredom Project, as I had an abusive childhood where my boundaries were violated on many levels, and I’d like to be 100% sure I know what healthy and ‘normal’ boundaries look like. So thank you OP

With regard to sacking the test off - I strongly think you shouldn’t write a text saying that contacting you again constitutes harassment. This will enrage him and give him evidence - in his mind - that you are completely overreacting and being crazy and hysterical and unreasonable, as of course he (again, in his mind) hasn’t done anything to suggest he’d harass you. I wouldn’t poke the bear.

A simple text stating “our relationship is over, please don’t contact me again” and then blocking him on all platforms is all you need to do. Should he then harass you, that’s when you warn him and go straight to the police with all your evidence.

Typo - ‘test’ Should be TWAT

definately do the freedom programme and see if you can run to a few sessions with a private councellor

Learn to love yourself as much as you love your kids. Once you love yourself you wont accept anyone who doesnt love you as much.

I do think there are some over reactions here, although I do think you needed to be careful if continuing , I could be one of two things, a bit of a con man who is feeding you a lot of bumph or a bit lonely and too ‘overkeen’ . It’s very easy to feel very flattered in that situation and rush headlong. The idea he may be some horrible kind of abuser and you may have terrible picking antenna may well be well off the mark, however whichever it is I think it was all far too much , way too soon .

Have you read all the OP's posts?