Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

[Shellw76]

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

Yes it’s over when you say it’s over.
Questions. Are you married? Do you rent or own? Are you working at the moment?
I’d say don’t worry about xmas too much. Just make plans as to life without him beyond that.

We are not married no. I only work part time at the moment as I look after the children. He's the main earner yet all he gives me is £50 a week for the kids.
I pay all the bills. The rent etc. Which the house is in my name only .
I've tried to end it so many times yet he just ignores it.
I refused to let him in once and he was shouting on my doorstep so someone called police.
He was long gone by the time they turned up yet I ended up feeling like I was in the wrong as kids were in the house( in bed asleep)
Even though I never told him to come back.

What purpose does he serve? Sounds like a waste of oxygen.

Change the locks? Not his house after all.

I have basically £150 to live on. That's for rent and bills and food for myself.
My babies are up at 4 every day. Yet he feels he's the only one deserves a lie in on a weekend because he works more.
He barely helps with the kids.unless I force him to. And weekends he would rather spend messing with his fish tanks or anything else in fact rather than actually spend time with his kids. Hes never had them by hiself.
Sorry for ranting on lol

P.s he doesn't have a key and his name's not on tenancy. That part I got right! Been burnt too many times in the past

In my eyes he serves no purpose.
I'm basically a single mom but with a man who's basically like a child. I know he's younger but he's not a child.
He should know it's not acceptable the way he behaves.
He bullies me into everything. If I say no he goes on and on and on till either I give in.or he just does it anyway! I have 5 fishtanks in my house! Only one I agreed to! 3 in my bedroom! Can barely sleep from the noise of them!
I just don't want to be with him he just refuses to accept/believe that I mean it.
I'm not being funny but he's as much use as a chocolate teapot! All he causes me is stress and hurt.
I have my hands full enough with 2 babies.
But he guilt trips/ lies/ makes false promises to make me take him back yet nothing changes

You need a plan and some consistency. If you say it's over then it is. The trouble is you so sound tired and worn out so perhaps don't have the strength to stand up tall and call the shots when he's pushing back. Find some anger and motivation to get past all this and start enjoying life, and you may find it easier to be strong. Once he sees repeatedly that you are serious he will eventually stop this. If he's shouting on your doorstep and harassing you, you CAN call the police every time

You have a druggie useless child who will never add any value to your life if fulfil you in a realtionship. Plan how to end it and get rid of him. At least it is your house/tenancy. Change the locks when he is out and let him collect his stuff from the doorstep

What use is it that he's not on the lease and doesnt have a key if you won't enforce it??

You just tell him not to come back.
If he turns up and causes a disturbance then call the police, you could even use 101 to warn them you are going to tell your partner to not come back and you are worried he will cause a disturbance.
Do all the fish tanks have fish? Get rid of any that don't. Give him a date and time to collect his stuff (and have support then). If he doesn't collect then sell or dispose of it.
Get your life back.
Then do the Freedom Programme, it seems like this could be a pattern for you.

I am tired and worn out.
I think that's why I end up just giving in to him because all I get otherwise is hassle and abuse and threats.
But I know I will cope by myself. I have 3 older children who I brought up by myself as I left their dad because he was violent.
I haven't heard from him since he left on Thursday. Up until today. And until today I felt so much happier and relieved and thought finally this is it. He's got the message. Then I woke up this morning to texts on my phone from him and I'm straight back down to the bottom.
Feeling depressed and just down right sick of it to be honest.
Why can't he just accept it and move on?
This is what I don't understand. When he's here he barely bothers with us.
Yet I guess his only alternative is living with his mom who he doesn't really get on with,or having to actually stand on his own 2 feet for the first time in his life..
I know men like him never change.
I've been here before.
I am all fired up and motivated to stick to my guns and then he will start with the guilt trips.
Like he doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids.
He did last year as he was constantly starting arguements over my older son who he doesn't like. And I told him he either stopped it or he was out as I wasn't letting him ruin my babies Xmas. And out he went!

Sorry. Finding it hard to keep up with messages as I'm new on here.
Yes all tanks have fish in! Wasnt happy with just one.
And yes I've told him many times not to come back. And he usually just turns up and let's hiself in as my older son lives here and never locks the bloody front door! And I'll come home and find him asleep in my bed wasted and stinking of beer! In his eyes asking as he bungs me £50 a week for kids( which I had to force him to do) he can do whatever he wants with HIS money

Put all his stuff outside including fish tanks. Change locks. Tell son he has to lock door. If he turns up call the police and tell them your ex is harassing you and you want him gone. Don’t let him back in.

He’s using you. He’s immature and hasn’t grown up. Goes off, does as he pleases and then comes back to you to be looked after until the next time. Message him and say “don’t turn up or I’m calling the police. You pay no rent, your names not on the lease, you can’t stay here anymore. You had your last chance” just don’t let him in. It’s ridiculous, has to stop and you deserve better. My partner just spent hours doing Xmas food shop in sainsbury, which he paid for so I could stay home with the baby and didn’t have the stress of it. That’s what a decent partner does the weekend before Xmas. Don’t accept anything less.

I am determined not to let him back this time.
I made my mind up weeks ago I want to be on my own.
I have my hands full enough with 2 babies at my age don't need his childish shit adding to it!
But yeah I know the problem is I've said this a million times to him and gone back on it. So it's my own fault really.
He's known I've never stuck to it.
Just like I've never followed through when I've threatened to leave if he goes on a bender again.
But now I actually feel so depressed I can barely function
Feel like in the end my kids will suffer when I'm no good for nothing anymore because of him
I guess life's never as simple as tohope he just will accept it and move on. Not for me anyway lol.
Don't get me wrong I do stand up for myself and I do kick off when it happens. But he knows I never follow through with my threats.
And now it's got to the point I just don't have the motivation or energy to fight him on it.
I feel like I have to just accept I'm stuck with him and get on with him walking all over me

And doobee yes I totally agree that's what a partner should be. Understanding and supportive.
But not him! He's so selfish it's unreal. The other day I had to wait in for a delivery so he said he would grab me some nappies on way from work as was running low. I rang him after work and he down right refused to pick them up as didn't have his bike lock to go in Asda.
Leaving me basically having to order some to be delivered on line first thing next morning as I couldn't go out as kids were in bed! Both my babies were sat there next morning with full nappies till my delivery came! I was fuming.

You are not stuck with him. The choice is entirely yours. Nothing will change until you change it though.

Incidentally....do you want your kids to model a relationship like this, because they will if that is what they see

If your really sure it’s over for you.

Send him text saying
His things are outside in bin liners,
fish tanks tell him you will empty and put fish in plastic bags( like you get off fairground obviously with the water from tank)
And unless he doesn’t want them dead, he better come and pick them up.
Tell him, you have been in touch with police and they know about him
And that if he kicks off , you have to phone them because this is harassment and domestic violence and they will be right round.
Take no shit from him, 1 text don’t get into text after text.

You will be much better off on your own on benefits
Working tax credit
Council tax
£50 for housing, food, comfort and 2 kids.
He’s taking the piss out of you.
Do it 1 text and start the packing

I definitely do not want my boys growing up with a roll model like him no.
And yes I know I'm partly to blame that I'm still stuck here in this dead end relationship with a deadbeat dad and boyfriend.
I know I don't want him. I want to be by myself.
It's just that he bullies and threatens to get his own way and always has done.
And eventually I've just kind of accepted it.
I know what I have to do. I've left many crappy relationships.
I know I can be independent just fine.
In fact I'm probably happier by myself because I've just given up trying with men lol.
I just get all motivated and ready for action.
Then I go back down to being submissive and walked over.
It's like a rollercoaster.
I think it's mainly because I don't really have friends I can talk to because of him. He made sure I have no life by the way.
I don't have any free time to myself.
I have no friends.
And the only adult conversation I really have is with my 20 year old daughter.
So it's like with no one to kind of give me a kick up the bum and realise it's not just me that thinks he behaves like a twat,I end up thinking maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too controlling. Which is what he says when I say he shouldn't do those things.
But in my eyes you kind of have to grow up when you have kids.
Be responsible as you are no longer top priority. Your kids are
And when your in a relationship you have to consider he other person. You can't just do whatever the hell you like as if you was single

I sent a text to that effect earlier. Not heard back from him yet. He's probably pissed! My problem is I don't know how to walk away from an argument and he knows which buttons to press. So yeah just end up in a text war!

Send him this..
Please do not enter my home. Or I will call the police.

If he turns up call them to remove him.

Answer yes or no... To texts..
As few words as possible...
No questions... No answers to his questions.

I did start the day off arguing in response to his texts. But since then kept it to bare minimum. Only thing I'm worried about is the last time this happened and I didn't hear from him for a few hours it turned out he was on the train back here!
He's about a hundred miles away at his mom's.
Also he has a criminal record from before we met down to violent offenders when drunk. Which is why I won't let him drink round me. He's an arrogant cocky year excuse the language when he's had a drink. Plus he can't just stop at a pint or 2 after work. He drinks hiself into oblivion and wakes up in bushes! He's a loser
I definitely don't want him back.
I just hate the hassle and abuse and shit he gives me every time I try and stick to my guns. He's a proper keyboard warrior!

That feeling when it was just you - hang on to it. When you're feeling like you might cave make yourslef take five minutes to close your eyes and remember how it felt to be just you and the kids. Then see if you still want to cave.

This is the hardest bit of all but if you can stick to your guns there is a light at the end of tunnel isn't there?

Grey rock technique is your friend for all communication with him. Be civil, don't rise to anything. Play the long game.

Well go lock the front and back doors...
Tell your son he needs to do this... Does he want the idiot back In the house.

Just don't answer the doors.. Draw the curtains.... And sit him out.

Hi OP

This sounds terrible. You say you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years and have two kids with him. He lives at your property but has never had a key over the 4 years and 2 kids? He is a habitual drug user who does not help with the kids.

It all sounds dysfunctional and as such you should just kick him out for good and get on with your life. Even if he screams and shouts, do not open the door. Call the police and ask them to get rid of him.