Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

[Shellw76]

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

Crisis overted!!!!
I called the police who had his number off me and very kindly called him and advised him if he came here uninvited he would be arrested.

I don't think even he is stupid enough to want to spend Xmas Eve in the cells! So now I'll just await the bombardment of abusive texts from him no doubt from yet another new SIM!
Really must change my number I think

Yes.

He's such a prat!

Love the way he suddenly had money to pay for the train...

Mummy gave him money to fuck off out from under her feet

Oh no. Mommy didn't give him money.
When I threw him out last week he brought a return ticket! That's how confident he was he was coming back!
So the whole " got no money for trains" was probably a ploy to get money out of me to spend on beer! "
Has to be!

Whatever.

Call the police if you have to. Hope you get peace for xmas

His mum can fuck off, your home is NOT his home. With the fish tanks, those are worth money. You could sell them off cheap and have them, the fish, everything collected by people who are into fish by the new year, I reckon. Be a nice present to themselves for a lot of people. Best of luck with it all dear heart, you deserve much, much more than an alky coke head.

Ooh good plan, stick the fish tanks and contents on Gumtree/eBay/Facebook local selling pages and get shot of the lot. Do it today. Someone may be frantically searching for that last minute present and a tankful of fish might be just the job

hoping my DH doesn't rock up with a tropical fish tank tomorrow

But yeah no doubt mommy has had enough or more like his money has run out so because he can't come here now he will head to his sister's for a piss up instead! Did the exact same thing last Xmas!!! Predictable.
Don't care where he is asking as he keeps the hell away from my house or his Xmas baubles will be going up in smoke

Yeah you know what the tanks are going on shpock fuck it.
And yeah hope it's not your DH who rocks up with it ha ha. It's huge!! Lol

"Urgent new home needed for fish. Tanks for sale offers welcome"

Op you are bloody amazing! Merry Christmas my love! Please can I have a bottle of what you are currently on. I need that attitude in my life haha. Not with my partner, just a piss off to dickheads haha!

I think the attitude now comes from.... " Don't give a flying f*" anymore wine!! Lol.
Hope you all have a very merry Christmas!!!!
Thank you all for your support you truly are all amazing caring people! Thank you xxxxx🎅🎅🎅🎅🤶🤶🤶🤶🤶

Kudos OP, very well handled.

Hey guys.
Hope you all had a good Xmas!
Just wondering if anyone knows anything about child access rights?
Even though I know it's just probably some sort of ploy to either worm his way back in,or just to piss me off, I had yet more messages from a new number through the night.
Him banging on about how his sister is his blood and her kids should see my kids etc,
Bit of background. She's a half sister, they only met a few months ago. Didn't go well between her and me as his mom( who hates me) did some shit stirring and turned her against me resulting in her sending me abuse and threats.
Anyway cut a long story short I cut her off. He still spoke to her over the phone. Anyway he's clearly staying at hers and has sent me texts about him wanting to see the kids,have them weekends( over my dead body!!) And wants his sister and her kids involved.
Now because of his alcoholism and coke abuse I'd decided if he ever went for access then it wud have to go thru court so I can have some sort of rules about him drinking and seeing my kids.
Bare in mind he never bothered with them when he was here. To the point they haven't even asked about him once!!! My kids won't even stay with him if I'm not there.
So not sure how that would work.
I'd rather he didn't take my kids on his own,and I don't particularly want some stranger ( his half sister) trying to lay claim to my kids!
The texts were along the lines of.. my sister is my blood .. makes her their blood too blah blah blah.
Pity he didn't remember the fact his kids are his blood too when he was fucking them over and snorting their money up his nose with his mates!
I know if it comes to it there's no way he will pay to go to court.
Precious beer money wasted!!
Anyway I'm within my rights to withhold access until I see him fit enough ( not drinking / threatening me etc) aren't I?
But if he sends me abuse and threats over this am I within my rights to still report this to police?
As for his half sister I don't have to let her have anything to do with her at all do I?

Christmas day I ended up having to speak to police on their live chat regarding messages he had sent me calling me a slag and saying he will fucking hurt me now etc.
I didn't press charges even though they said I could of. Malicious telecommunications or something to that effect. I told them I wanted it logged and if it continued then I would.
Had a visit from 2 officers boxing day.
One of which was very nice looking ha ha .
I'm rambling on again.
But me and ex were not married
His name's on neither birth certificate as he cudnt be bothered to attend when I registered them.
Therefore has no legal parental responsibility rights
I know I should change my number really but as mad as it sounds if I'm getting threats or he's saying he's coming here is rather know about it in advance so I can intervene rather than be taken by surprise.
I'm not replying to the texts.
Which I know will wind him up even more to send more!
But it's his own hole he's digging!

Log and report EVERYTHING. Every text, phonecall, message, everything. This is very important if he does try and go for contact.

You know it's a ploy, the sister is moot, nothing to do with her.

Not sure of the legalities (and you should contact a solicitor) but I'd withhold contact and go through court. Imagine he'll soon get bored.

I'm doing both.
His sister has nothing to do with it for one.
He won't be having access not a chance unless the courts see him fit to do so! And considering he once took my 1 year old to the shop twice in a row apparently just for milk and stuff and later admitted he'd bought beer and was walking back pushing my son's pram in one hand ,can of beer in the other hand,clearly shows he's capable of drinking while in charge of his own kids!
I knew it would come to this at some point so as mad as it sounds I have been saving messages for a while off him. Ones admitting to doing this and the coke and stuff.
I don't have a problem him seeing them if he grows the fuck up and becomes the responsible parent he never has been!
But for the safety of my babies,that time hasn't come yet! Not gonna put them in harm's way for nobody!

fnf.org.uk/law-information-2/children/unmarried-fathers

Let him keep messaging, laugh at the ridiculousness of the messages and take great satisfaction that he is digging his own hole as you gather more and more evidence that he is an unfit parent.

The only things l would reply would be generic messages i.e "l am happy for you to have the children, but you have to stop drinking/drugs for xx days before and not partake whilst they're in your care"

It then shows that you are not withholding contact but are encouraging it when he is sober. He'll hopefully reply with more ropè to hand himself with

Thanks for the link.
I always told him I'd never stop him seeing the kids aslong as
1, he kept it civil with me, no abuse,threats etc.as he's threatened to take them before till I reminded him it wud be classed as kidnap.
And 2 , he stops the drinking. Like you said before and whilst he has them
My cousin went through this with her ex also a drinker..
The courts ordered he do a course to do with his alcoholism and regular tests ( hair samples) to measure the amount of drink he'd been consuming.
Also wasn't allowed to drink for 48 hours before having access which was then still in a contact centre supervised..
My ex couldnt keep off the drink whilst he was here! And that was with me doing everything he asked me to do to try and stop him ( wages paid into my bank etc so he couldn't access them without me)
Never worked tho because if he wanted his money id have to let him have it. It wasn't mine to withhold.and I wasn't going to get into trouble for doing so!
So now he's got no restrictions ( even tho for his kids he shudnt of been doing it from his own free will never mind me having to babysit him with it like a child!)
Now he can drink when and where he wants to money permitting.
So I doubt very much he will actually choose to stay sober to see his kids when he couldn't even do it when he was here!
But hey like I said if he proves me wrong then great! He can see them no problems.
Won't hold my breath though.
It's as though now party season is nearly over,and he knows he cudnt of drank here so left to do it,now he's expecting me to have him back!
Not happening. Apart from the hassle and abuse from him, I've been way happier by myself and so have my kids! They've been a lot calmer and we'll behaved which is VERY unlike them ha ha!
Just goes to show that when he's here and it's stress hassle and arguments. It does affect them. Just the atmosphere of it!
I can't believe the difference in them! So too right I'm staying on my own without him now! My kids come first always have done..
I could never do the things he's done. Don't know how he lives with hiself

If you haven't already responded I wouldn't list conditions as such but more;

You don't have parental responsibility for the DC, you're an alcoholic and coke addict if you want contact you will need to go to court.

Stick to the facts.

But really just don't respond at all.

I just responded with

I have serious concerns as far as access to your children.
Ie/ your excessive drinking and cocaine habit mostly, amongst other concerns
Considering you have no legal parental responsibility rights as it stands, plus the concerns for my children's welfare in your care,I believe I am within my rights to restrict access until such a date where you have been alcohol and cocaine free for a set period of time.
It may be necessary to enforce these conditions via court.
Therefore if you wish to take that route I will await confirmation from your solicitor/legal advisor.
This may be a costly process but my children's welfare is my main concern.
It will be down to you to start the process if you so wish.
Thanks.

He will hate the fact I've got all "legal" with him!
I'll await the abuse!