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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

220 replies

Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 15:26

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 17:39

There's definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.
Freedom.
Without being took for a mug anymore. Just feels a long way away right now. I know in my heart I want it over.
In the past I used to get really upset.
Bombard him with texts,just to get ignored, and cry myself to sleep when he stormed out and went off on a bender.
Now I just put my kids to bed, put on my comfy PJ's and put chick flicks on or whatever and break out the chocolates!
But once morning came I'd be stalking my phone waiting in dread for the texts to start.
He's a user. That's right.
Uses me and my home and my kind heart to get what he wants until the next time he fancies going off on a bender.
He does it with everyone. Won't do anything for anyone unless there's something in it for him.
Only wants people who can do things for him. Like his mom. He can't stand her half the time. Hasn't spoken to her for months. Yet off he trotter there probably telling her how the big bad girlfriend (me) has kicked him out again and he's done nothing wrong etc. Till his money and beer run out and he starts borrowing money off her for beer until she gets fed up with him and sends him packing.
Still no word from him.
I darent hope it's a good sign.
Instead I'm convincing myself he's on way here.
The only reason I'm worried about ringing police is because last time he turned up and I refused to let him in he kicked off on my doorstep. Someone rang police.
Who were great to be honest. Then weeks letter I get a call saying health visitor wants to come and see me due to a report of domestic abuse and if I don't comply basically they'll inform the relevant authorities! Who I assume they mean social services. Whereas I did nothing wrong that night apart from refuse to let him in. Yet felt like I was being penalised in some way because HE was kicking off on my doorstep! Something that was out of my control.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 17:41

And he did have a key to start with. But twice he lost them on one of his sessions so I refused to give him another! Lol

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/12/2018 17:45

I understand that he keeps drawing you into text wars, but really, you have to just stop caring what he thinks, says and accuses you of.

All the time you are spending trying to convince him, argue your corner, get him to see how unreasonable his behaviour is - this is WASTED EFFORT and it will sap your energy.

It seems that in the past he has used these tactics to wear you down - by the time youve spent six hours arguing with him about whether he is in the wrong, you are too exhausted to continue to stand up to him and he worms his way through your defences.

Stop putting your energy into responding to him - he is NEVER going to admit that you are right, see your point of view or give his sign off to you ending the relationship. And you don't need him to.

Tell him it's over, say you will be putting his stuff outside tomorrow and if he wants it he can pick it up before x time or else you will be disposing of it. Lock your door, switch off your phone and do something nice with your kids.

SleepWarrior · 22/12/2018 17:50

You don't need to worry about social services so long as you don't go back to him. They will be concerned with protecting the kids from him, not from you, unless you appear to be in cahoots with him. Just make sure you aren't and any ss or hv involvement will be about supporting you to keep your kids safe - just don't take it personally or get defensive when they ask you questions etc. They don't know you and are doing their job.

On the other hand, NOT calling the police when you ought to because he's banging around trying to break might be seen as concerning. Make sure you call if there's any doubt, don't leave it to a bystander unless you can't physically get to a phone or are in danger of you do.

Document everything he does/says etc and keep all messages, phone logs, emails. You can always check on here for advice on a particular issue you need help with.

You can do this, don't overthink it or dwell on where it's gone wrong previously. This is your chance Flowers

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 17:52

You know... These words you said..

It seems that in the past he has used these tactics to wear you down - by the time youve spent six hours arguing with him about whether he is in the wrong, you are too exhausted to continue to stand up to him and he worms his way through your defences.

This is exactly what he does. I'd never seen it that way. But when I think about it it's true.
And then when he does come back he wants it all brushed under the carpet and forgotten about like nothing has happened.

I guess I just hoped in the ideal world he would see he error of his ways... Accept it was over.... Yet stay civil for his kids sake...
But that's just never gonna happen.
He didn't bother with his kids when he was here. Yet no doubt there will be a full scale war when he wants access.
Because that's just the way he is when he can't get his own way

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 22/12/2018 18:06

This maybe harsh but you're engaging with him. Why are you engaging in text wars. He sounds bloody hideous but you sound like you need to grow up a bit in the way you're dealing with it. End it clearly by text. Make whatever arrangements to return his property that you need to. Just stick to it. You can't control his behaviour but you can control yours, so do it!

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:08

I just wanna take the time to thank each and every one of you for your input. It means a lot.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:14

No it doesn't sound harsh. It's the truth and I know it
By engaging with him I'm prolonging it.
I can be very logical I just find it hard when I've been worn down for 4 years to put the actions into place and stick to it no matter what.
It's not that I need to grow up. I just naively thought in time he would see that all his actions are doing is destroying the only thing he had left. Me and his kids. But I've been patient and very stupid really to have stuck it for this long.
He has 2 other kids which he doesn't see and I saw it as an opportunity to actually be in our 2 kids lives even though he couldn't be in his other kids lives.
But eventually I've realised I've given him the opportunity enough times. If he chooses not to take it that's now his problem not mine.
I need to live for myself and my kids. Not for him and what he wants anymore.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/12/2018 18:15

Just block his number so you can't receive his texts, messages etc.

Ring up tax credits and change claim to a single person, ring CSA and out in a CMS claim.

If he turns up and kicks off call the police, do you have door chain? If not get one fitted. Ensure the DC cannot open the door themselves.

Google grey rock technique.

You can do this Thanks

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:17

And I have been with a drinker in the past who got very violent with me.which is why I worry about what will happen if he turns up and I either don't let him in or I call police.
I worry about the repurcussions.
This is why I end up in text wars with him as I hope he will see why I want out of the relationship and accept it and leave me alone. Rather than him storming down here and kicking off.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:19

He spends his time swinging between his two enabling mothers

His birth mother and you. When she gets fed up of him, back he comes crawling. Rinse and repeat.

Unless you shore up your defences this is exactly what will happen again. You have free will. You can use it...if you really wanted to.

No doubt he will start threatening to "take the children". That will not happen because they will soon cramp his style

Finish it. Call his bluff. After some empty posturing when he realises you are serious he will slink off back to the woodwork he crawled out from

Bottom line is...do ypu want to be right back to square one when finishes his bender or do you want 2019 to be the year you take control for the sake of your children ?

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:20

Yes I have a door chain. And little ones can't reach it.
I know I should block his number but I feel like a heads up if he's coming here is better than no warning at all if you know what I mean. I've got a headache I've been stressed from his constant texts all day so now I'm just not going to respond at all. I've done what was suggested I've told him clearly it's over. Not to come here or police will be called. Had no response at all. So just gotta hope he takes me seriously.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/12/2018 18:25

Ok so you've told him you'll call the police if he turns up so block.

Please read up on grey rock technique!

mummmy2017 · 22/12/2018 18:26

Well done.
He knows if you respond he can come back...
So best to not reply.

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:26

And yes I've said those words to him myself. That I am not his mother and I refuse to be taking care of a grown man who can see I'm exhausted by the end of the day and in pain ( I have rhumetoid arthritis along with 2 toddlers!) Yet I'm expected to wash his clothes cook his tea etc when I've been run off my feet all day.

He uses guilt trips for instance .. my mom's kicked me out. . Where am I meant to sleep.... On the streets? He even went to my 20 year old daughters and her partner's house once with that sob story. Yet proceeded to sit texting people to try and score coke and get pissed after they'd asked him not to drink there.

All because hes "got nowhere to go"
Yet has plenty of "friends he goes to when they all wanna sit there snorting my babies money up their noses!
2019 is definitely starting with me single. I set my mind to it.
I just had a blip earlier when he started texting with his guilt trips etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:27

I'll definitely look up grey rock technique.
I haven't heard of that lol

OP posts:
CheggarsPlaysPlop · 22/12/2018 18:28

Social Services or a HV will usually be involved if a call out to the police (and visit) happens. Happened to me. It's not to make you feel guilty, but to ensure the safety of the kids from this man. It will be on record if he decides he is going to 'take the kids' (for his engeance, not because he wants them). Like PP have said, build up your walls. Limit engagement with him. Pack his stuff. Stay safe. You can do this. This is your chance

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 22/12/2018 18:30

So what if he has nowhere to sleep (he does) it's not your problem. He treats you abysmally and it's your turn to toughen up and stop enabling him to behave this way - the way his mother enables him

AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:33

He has plenty of places to sleep. Snakes like him have soft landings all over the place. Yours is simply the most convenient until you start having expectations (tut tut) that he step up and actually behave like a decent human being

HisBetterHalf · 22/12/2018 18:34

Why can't he just accept it and move on? This is what I don't understand
Because he knows all he has to do is stamp his feet and you back down. He's a waste of time. Block his number and any other contacts. Ring the police if he doesnt fuck off and concentrate on your children. He is not worth the time and effort

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:35

I know your right about HV and social services. I just got a bit defensive and felt like I was being made out to be the one in the wrong
He wouldn't take the kids. That I am sure of. Like you said would cramp his style plus he wouldn't cope.
My boys are definitely mommy's boys!!
If I so much as leave them with him to go to the bathroom the older one cries for me.lol.
That's due to me being basically their only carer their whole lives!
He just has a blatent selfish disregard for anything I want And only ever sees what he wants regardless of who it destroys to get it
He sees what he's done to me.
I'm down, I don't go near him,I don't hardly speak to him. Yet instead of seeing it's because of his actions, he goes straight into making accusations that I must surely be sleeping with someone else!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:37

Ignore his fuckwittery. Turn off your buttons. Power down. Grey rock and block

You can do this.

Original poster
Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 18:39

And oh god yes how dare I expect him to actually help take care of the 2 kids he helped create! How out of order am I ! Lol
And yes he's plenty of places to sleep when he's on a bender all night.
But yes you are right. He's got it comfy here he can do what he pleases,have a bit of ear ache off me for a few days then back to normal.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:41

You got it.

Now is this how you want to live your life ? Because he will not change...why would he ?

supersop60 · 22/12/2018 18:45

Change the locks.
Put his stuff outside.
Block him.
Do not engage in any way.
You can do it.