Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

[Shellw76]

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

I wouldn't worry about him trying to take the kids - you said upthread that he already has two other kids he never bothers with. So he may do some threatening to "get custody" but just ignore it.

Something to remind yourself of is that you don't need him to agree with you that you guys ought to break up. There is no way for you to put forward a case that makes him say "OK, you're right - I will behave like a reasonable person " because he is not a reasonable person. You are his mummy-maid-and-mealticket and he thinks he has the right to treat you however he wants. He doesn't actually care whether you are happy or sad, as long as you keep doing as you're told. So you explaining to him that you are miserable because of his actions is meaningless to him. So what that you're unhappy? To him, its like hearing the washing machine complain about always being stuffed with dirty clothes. Shut up, washing machine - it's your job so just stop moaning and get on with it.

No it's not how I want to live my life.
That I'm sure of now.
Usually I've backed down by now but I've stuck to my guns and kept repeating all day that enough was enough and it's over.
I'm not worried about being alone,or whether I'll cope. In fact I know I'll be fine. Much better off.
I kept his ass for 6 months at one point when he had no job. And to watch him earn over £300 a week and only put £50 to his kids keep, and nothing else, grieves me. Especially when he's blown that within 2 days and is asking to lend money off me to pay for his work food till next pay day.
His reasoning is. . well I pay you back don't I? Where as my argument is you earn double what I do. I pay all the bills. You shouldn't be asking me for money!
I still haven't had a response. Last time he text was 2.50 this afternoon. So I'm hoping that's a good sign and not a sign that he's currently on trains on his way here.
I'm not a cruel person. And I really don't like to hurt anyone. No matter what they have done to me.... But I truly can't take no more of his shit. It's affecting my health now as d I can't have that when I've got young kids.
He refuses to change and I think I've been more than reasonable with the amount of chances I've given him.
Yet I still always feel like I'm the bad person.

Another vote for the Grey Rock Method.

Come on OP, you're a strong woman, you can do this.

www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

FineWordsForAPorcupine
Yeah you're right. If he cared whether I was happy or sad he wouldn't do the things he does at all would he?
So there is no trying to make him see what it's done to me.
No amount of times me saying I don't want to be in the relationship is going to matter to him
Because all that matters to him is how he feels and what he wants.
Some people are capable of changing.
But I think in his case he's not.
It's just the way he is.
He's spent his whole life treating people like shit and getting away with it
Always found someone new to run to who will feel sorry for him because he plays the victim. To the point his mom has only ever seen our kids twice. .. because he's gone here so many times for a piss up and told her he's there because I've done this and I've done that, all lies to make her let him stay and feel sorry for him.
To the point all she ever did was send me abuse and slag me off. When all along its her golden boy that's been the main wrong doer.
I'm not claiming to be completely innocent. No one ever is. But I've never ever done any of the shit he's done. I look after my kids and they are too priority always will be.
Because he doesn't like my older son ( unless my son takes him fishing that is,then he loves him!). He has many a time tried to blackmail me to throw out my own son and cut him off.
Obviously he was put straight instantly. I would never choose anyone over any of my kids. End of. And if that's what he thought I would do, he could do one!
I'm so grateful to everyone who's commented.
I've spent so long being embarrassed by what I put up with and worried I'll be judged as being an idiot for putting up with it that I've never really spoken out to anyone.
It's took a lot to reach out and ask for help/ advice. So I thank everyone.
It comes to something when complete strangers are willing to take time to speak to me more than my own partner ( now ex) couldnt even be bothered to listen to me ....

And I will get round to reading the grey rock method at some point tonight I promise!! Thank you x

Well ive realised why he hasn't replied.
He's onto his next stage of his usual tactics.
Blank me. And re activate his Facebook! He's chatted to girls in the past on there when we have argued so deactivated it.
So now he's got it back open. Playing games with me.
Is probably sat there waiting for me to start the text messages to him
Well fuck him. Not rising to his bait!
How pathetic

Good work, Shell - this year you are going to give yourself the best Christmas present ever! A life free from his selfishness and abuse.

Step away from Facebook - I know it is nerve wracking to be wondering what he is going to do next, but it is not helpful to you to be monitoring him. He will be trying every way he knows to get a reaction out of you. I'm worried that if you keep reading his online shenanigans then it is only a matter of time before he says or does something so provoking that, before you know it, you have commented on it and bang! The cycle starts again.

In the moment, it will feel good - as though you have put him in his place or defended yourself to his online audience but HONESTLY it is not worth it. You will kick yourself for getting drawn in again.

Delete him from your friends and block him on FB and all social media!

Block him on FB. This stuff is really quite straightforward if you truly want to extricate yourself.

Even though it killed me I blocked him lol
Hes done this before when I've kicked him out and ignored his messages.
Put a status on giving out his phone number just to provoke a reaction from me.
And silly me fell for it! And boy did he get a reaction.
He knows what buttons to press unfortunately.
Hes spent our whole relationship hurting me and trampling over my feelings yet he just has to stick the knife in a bit deeper so he's in control and got one up on me.
I'm sick of his games.
I know how he works.
As much as its gonna kill me I'm gonna have to sit on my hands and not text him lol.
He forgets that at some point he has to contact me to see his kids if he can fit them in his busy schedule of drink drugs and Facebook ho's!
Digging hiself an even deeper hole really.

Oh and I wasn't monitoring him. I was having a clear out on my friends list( his friends and family) and there he was lol

I totally sympathise u have just written about my life 😔, I don't have any answers and hope I can find some here , i have finished the relationship a few months ago however he really wont believe me , we have gone from no communication to him on phone every day trying to play the guilt trip n how lonely he is n I have his child etc it's Soo hard I find it difficult to ignore as im expected to reply quickly I feel sick every time the phone goes, like u I can't block i feel it's better to know where he is etc , and feel Incredible guilty, I do hope u manage to take ur life back and are happy for u and ur DC x

He is the "ho"

Foolish girls on FB who fall for his bollocks ? So what ? You did...over and over again even in the face of his clear fuckwittery. Remember that. Feel sorry for them....don't bring them down.

Doubt he'll bother seeing the DC judging by his non relationship with his older ones!!!

Yeah you are right. He's the ho.
Some of them did know he'd got a girlfriend and kids though yet still tried it on.
They're welcome to him now.
All he's done is make sure im now 100% determined to rid that fucker from my life!
Opposite of what he was thinking he would get!

Oh and I never fully knew why he never saw his other kids. His exes faults of course
Both girls left when their kids were born. Always questioned why but felt it wasn't my business really.
And Ooftimshattered.
Feel free to private message me if you like.
It is hard to fully get rid when you have kids with them.
It's like a permanent tie to them isn't it. Always have that hold over you.
But it does seem to me like he's using his child as a means to still have some control over you.
Don't feel you have to instantly reply to him.
And like everyone on here has advised me, keep your replies to a bare minimum and say as little as need be.
Hopefully I can follow that advice myself!!

Now I'm getting text abuse because I blocked him.
"Out with the OLD in with the new hey."
That's what he said.
A dig at my age

How are you getting text abuse if you blocked him???

I blocked him on Facebook.
I can't block numbers on my phone. He's sending texts.

Get some support - any old friends or women's aid?
Stop analysing him and trying to make sense of him. He's a nasty dick, a drain, a bully. The whys and wherefores don't matter.
Speak to community police/DV unit for advice if you are scared of him.
Maybe a bolt for inside the door?

Get a new phone number. You can get a payg sim for a fiver.

Yes you can? Google and find out how worst case scenario ring your provider and they'll do it for you.

Sell the fish.

I'll get a new SIM card in the morning and he can go to hell now.
This is why I always give in and take him back.
Because the abuse I get afterwards when I try and end it,is worse than putting up with his bullshit.
In years now had enough

Seems like every time I get the determination and strength to leave, and get myself all psyched up and confident I can do this.
He does something that knocks my confidence and shoots me straight back down to square one.
He knows I'm insecure about the fact I'm 42 and he's only 30.
Cruel