Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

[Shellw76]

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

He’s ‘only 30’. He’s acting like a child. Indeed I’ve seen children better behaved. What the devil did you ever see in him? He’ll keep pushing every button in the book to geevyou to engage with him.

He’s had time to learn every exploit, every weakness with regard to you. You must remain strong. For your sake and the sake of your kids. And should you ever doubt yourself come back here and re-read the messages people have left. He’s a waste of space and you deserve better.

Well done OP, you’re well rid of the man child who’s clearly only got his own interests in mind. He’s succeeded in wearing you down so you can’t fight back.

He will not be happy at having to pay his way from now on. Ignore him and change your number. Get some real life support from friends and family.

Stay on here for support. We’ll help you dump him for good !

OP, I feel your upset and pain, I want you to realise and understand this. Whatever he may write it is his intention to undermine your self-esteem, confidence, in fact every emotion. I had this with my ex, who was a vile class A junkie. I didn't even recognise myself anymore, he moved in took over my life and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Screwed with my head so much I actually believed I was lucky to be with him!

Eventually he went peacefully, I broke my heart ( I was to co-dependant ) and then had to learn to re-build myself mentally. I still have hard days, but no days of living in fear of the drug crazed bastard who would come crashing through the front door, with the aroma of heroin smoke drifting in with him.

Block the bastard on your phone, you and your kids deserve so much better. You can do this, you didn't cause his drug addiction, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Start to be selfish and think about yourself and the kids, and put him out of your mind as much as possible.

Sending you love and strength x

I really am overwhelmed by all the support you have all given me.
I'm really grateful.
Just feeling a bit down right now because of his dig at my age.
Always knows how to get to me.
But you're right I have to stay strong.
And I have to see it as I'm not old.
I'm just not an immature little child like he is.
After all. Ain't me sofa surfing at my mommy's right now is it!
Ain't me losing my job because I've treated my partner so badly that I've had to move miles away.
Ain't me that in a week's time I guarantee his mom will of had enough and turfed his sorry ass out.
Ain't me that loses everything.
I lose nothing.
I have my home.
My babies
And my self respect that I didn't stoop to his childish playground games in order to force someone who doesn't want me,to take me back.

OP, I'm 41. We are not old. Even if we were, so what? You only have one life. Why get older attached to this twat? Today is the youngest you will ever be, so make the most of it.

Keep reminding yourself what you have.

Don't wake up in this cycle in one month, one year, one decade.

Thank you Icepinkeskimo for your kind words.
It's horrible being in a relationship where someone is so manipulation you don't even realise what's going on until you are in too deep.
And until they have nocked your confidence and took so much of your life away that all you have is them!
I was never allowed anywhere without either him or my kids. He never said the words
But his refusal to get involved with the kids meant they wouldn't stay with him alone. The older one would cry so much he wud make hiself sick. Leaving me to stop trying to go out and have me time or friend time. Because I'd feel guilty about leaving him.
I was pregnant with the 2nd while the 1st was still a baby. There's 11 months between them.
Yet it was me getting up multiple times every night to see to the 1st while he slept and ignored him.
He's wore me down. I'm exhausted.my boys are a handful. Lol. And all of it I have had to do by myself even though their dads been right here!
My older kids dad was a violent druggy so I've been there.
Where he would roll in at 3 in the morning ranting and searching my cupboards for the men he thought I had hidden in them! Or dragging me around the streets punching me while I was 8 months pregnant with his child!
It was really hard to leave cuz I was terrified he would kill me and my kids if I did.
But I found the strength and I left and it was the best thing I ever did.
Just feel like even though there's no violence with this one, it's emotional abuse and bullying.
He was always in denial about it all. Mr perfect to hear him talk!
But when it got to the point where I couldn't say no to him about anything because he would just do it anyway or bully me till I gave in, I knew I had to try and get out.
I don't really want to say this,but I've not wanted to go near him in that department for months... I've avoided it as much as possible. But if he wanted it he would bug and bug and bug and not let me sleep...and keep touching me till I just gave in so I could get some peace.
Made me feel like all I was to him was some cheap prostitute who he could take it from whenever he wanted
I just can't take the abuse and the mind games and the threats when I try and leave him.which is why I've always given in and taken him back
Not because I've wanted him.
Like you said he knows my weaknesses and uses them.

Are your older children around to have Christmas with you?

And. SylvanianFrenemies I have been waking up in this cycle over and over again for 4 years.
I've just got to the point where I have reached my limit and I just can't take anymore if his bullshit.
Yet I'm always made out to be being heartless ( his comment about missing Xmas with the kids etc)
He doesn't take me seriously and yeah I feel bad about the timing. But he's the one chose to go off and drink yet again using his poor dying nan as an excuse to go.
Not me.
All his choices. I had no problems with him visiting his nan at all. It was when I realised he had borrowed his wages, all of it off his mom,as wasn't paid till next day,that he wasn't just going to see her... He was going on another piss up session . While me and my kids live on £150 a week pretty much. And I have to go to charity shops to clothe them as I just can't afford to buy new.
Cuz he blows his wages in hiself,his fish tanks,or sits snorting it up his nose with mates I've never heard of!

And yes my older son still lives here and my 2 daughters live nearby. So I'm not on my own. It's just I can't really talk about this stuff with them lol.

Good grief. You’ve had a miserable time of it. You’ve been treated in an appalling fashion. Makes me ashamed to be a guy frankly when you read horror stories like this. My heart really does go out to you.

I suppose in some twisted way your latest partner is an improvement over the previous one. But on the scale he’s still bloody awful. The reality is we all have our issues, problems. Maybe a red flag or two and not through any love of communism. But you can do A LOT better than this. A lot.

But for now, I don’t think there’s a damn thing wrong with being single. And after the initial shock and adjustment you’ll feel infinitely better about yourself and your situation. This will be my first Christmas alone in many years. So it’s going to be an adjustment for me too. But please try to have a merry Christmas. Eat great food. Guzzle your favourite drinks. And look forward to having a future with caring and loving people. Not boys pretending to be adults.

On the ‘Xmas with the kids’ thing.

The little ones really are too young to notice who’s there or not. Your older ones will likely see it as a bonus. As long as there’s a bit of Santa magic, a present and some nice food they’ll have a perfectly lovely day.

And they’ll get the very best gift of all- a confident strong mum, who doesn’t spend the day with those worry wrinkles permanently stuck on her face. A mum who knows in her heart that 2019 will be different, the start of a calm life where she (and they) can look forward to things safely, without that weight of dread of ‘what could he do next’.

In a way, it’s lucky that this has all come to a dramatic end at Christmas. It will make a big statement to him, his family, and everyone else that he has excluded himself from family time. He, by his actions, has put himself on the outer. He has closed himself off from this family, forever. He made his choice, now he lives with it. Nothing whatsoever to do with you. Put it back on him, in your head.

You keep your head held high, channel someone cold and strong and dignified. Then cozy in with your lovely family, who adores you, and feel the love. If he invades your thoughts, or comes knocking, let this be your mantra:

I WILL STAND FOR NO SHENANIGANS.

I don't tar all men with the same brush.
I've just had real bad luck with them lol.
My relationships have mostly been bad in one way or another. But yes the worst are the 2 I've had kids with.
Those are the ones I expected to have treated me better. How wrong was I.
I actually don't mind being single ... Which is sad in a way... Cuz it shows how crappy things have been for me with my choice of men!
I just want to be able to leave,get on with my life in a normal way.. without getting stress and hassle and abuse because I've chosen to not put up with the shit anymore.
Especially seeing as we have kids together.
Realistically he should be acting like a grown up right now and thinking about he fact if he wants to see his kids then things have to be kept civil.
But I guess if he actually have a toss about his kids he wouldn't be behaving this way towards me.
He's dragged me down so much and put me down so much that I feel like my only option is to cut him off completely until he grows up enough to be a responsible parent for his kids!
I won't hold my breath though!

And yes I know my kids won't know who's here or not on Xmas. To be honest they don't even ask after him anyway they are so used to him not being here!
What does that say about him as a dad? Says it all really doesn't it.
I've told him myself he's made his bed and now he can lie in it.
He can finally see that there ARE consequences to your actions in the end. And that one day your actions will get you one thing only. Loneliness. When he has screwed over every single person who lived him or has been there for him , and he's taken advantage of them and hurt them!
That's a lesson he's about to learn.
I don't know what's going to happen from now on... But I'm sure on one thing. That man is gone from my life one way or another..... And deep down the relief I feel is amazing!
I'm hurt at the way I've been treated.... But I'm also excited at the prospect of finally getting my life back.
Just not at the thought of all the abuse and shit that's about to come my way lol.
My kids are all I need. And I still have them no matter what.
It's his loss not mine and certainly not theirs!

Suggest you read this . It might give you a bit of a boost
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3457936-thanks-mumsnet

OP you sound pretty switched on, you see him for what he is now. You will be okay lovely.

He's immature and foolish. You met him at 26 ...he already had 2 kids but 2 women who he never sees. He's 12 years younger but he is not a catch.

Now he's got 4 kids by 3 women. He goes on benders and does coke... nobody with their head screwed on will want him for a serious relationship.

He's got nothing to offer.

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana"

Well I've gotten up this morning to more abusive texts.
All digging at my age etc
At first I was really upset that he would stoop this low.
But then I realised something,he can name call all he likes, shows his immaturity I guess.but once he actually wakes up and realised what he had and what he lost, he's the one who's going to hurt the most.
He will wake up to no one and nothing except a can of beer. And now he's going to have no job and has no doubt blew this week's wages, he won't even have the money for that.
Yet I wake up to a proper roof over my head, a real family that's not only there for me for a day or 2 before getting fed up...and 2 gorgeous boys who are my world..
He never knew his dad... And apparently so his mom said, his dad turned out to be an alcoholic,turned everyone against him and ended up dying at a young age alone in his flat undiscovered for weeks..... The exact place he is heading ...
I have figured out how to block numbers on my phone. So he can call/ text all he likes from now on...I won't recieve them... I'm keeping screen shots of it all and if he wants to go down that root of constant abuse via other numbers etc ... Then it's all there ready to report to the police as harassment.
My plan for tonight....apart from trying to wrap presents lol ...is to bag up all his shit...as for his fish tanks he will have a week to get them out my house or they're going on shpock for sale and the money's going to my kids! I won't be letting him come into the house for any of it.
It can go outside.
The hurt is starting to get replaced with anger ... Thinking back on the way he's treated me!
And excuse the language but I have one thing to say to that man...
The only thing that will fuck you better than me ..... Is KARMA.

Go you OP!!! You are a Queen 💜

How old are his other children?

Warm roughly they'd be around aged 9/10 and about 5 for the other one. He's not seen them since they were born. I only have his side of the story as to why and that's questionable!
And kaleela thanks lol

*well not warm! Bloody predictive text lol

No advice to add but have been watching this thread and want to say "Well done you!!"

You should be so proud of yourself and when you feel weakening or he manages to temporarily break through your defences... read through this thread from top to bottom!
That will recharge you!

Thank you RedTartanLass

This thread has been such a help to me.
It's the first time I've posted on anything like this.
But to finally get outsiders point of view on this has helped me see that I wasn't trying to control him like he used to say..... I just expected him to act like a normal decent human being! And a responsible dad! Didn't think that was too much to ask to be honest.
Clearly it was too much, for that one little brain cell that he's got, to handle!
I've realised that's how men like him work..m. Twist it all round into you so that it's made to look as though all that happens is your fault.
For example I throw him out to calm down after an argument.... ( Meaning go out for an hour or so...walk around. .. calm down..come back and talk!)
Not go out,disappear till the following day....spend hundreds of pounds on coke and booze and get yourself into such a state that you wake up in a bush....then roll back home throw up a bit and crash out in my bed stinking of God knows what!
But of course he only did that because I asked him to go..so it's my fault!
Other times he would purposely start an argument so he could go....yet again my fault....
I'm more angry with myself that I actually allowed him to do this to me over and over again... Yet he always somehow managed to make it into my fault...and make me feel insecure about myself ....
Viscious circle...

The abuse isn't worse though, because it will have an end when he gets his claws into the new victim. If you allow him to keep hanging round there will be grief over and over again. Rip the plaster off and let the fecker have a good moan about it, then he can beetle off and you can get on with raising the children properly.

£50 a week? If he wasn't contributing to bills, that's probably less than he cost you himself, especially if the fish tanks are running off your electric supply! Your kids will have benefited not one brass farthing from the waste of space.

Damn, missed a pageful of replies somehow. You're doing brilliantly, anyway. And you're not even nearly old!