Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

[Shellw76]

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

When in reality only person that can break the cycle is me

Hallelujah

Do not refer in messages to him to anything in regards to your relationship but l do think you need to remind him ....everytime.... as to when he needs the fish tanks moving. It then is all proof that he has had plenty of warning to get them sorted. By replying to however he contacts you, as well shows that he can't say one particular phone was broken so he didn't get the messages

What are your plans for today? Could you gather up some of his item's and message him to collect them but leave them outside?

I can't really start to pack his things until the babies are in bed tonight. And he's in Crewe. About 100 miles from me so I don't actually know how he will pick any of it up! I don't want to reply to him at all at the moment
I feel that while he's still got it in his head he's got a chance,it's pointless.
I planned to give it a week and then just text his mom to try and arrange for his stuff to be taken somehow. So I don't have to speak to him direct.
It only ends in arguements or abuse and I just can't be bothered with it lol.

Can I just say @Shellw76 how amazing you are!! You made all these decisions and deeply self-reflected in the space of 24 hours! Well done and don't weaken!!!

Shellw76
I'm rooting for you op; and 42 is no age.....
You have so much ahead of you to look forward to and children who will love you even more for making their lives so much better.

I wish it had happened that fast lol.
But in reality it's the stuff I've realised over the last few months.
But just haven't been able to follow through and leave....

You sound like a lovely lady...I like your humour here ....

Can your dick grow a few inches little boy? No? Well same answer to your question!"
Lol. Killed me not to do it believe me ha ha

Listen... your age is your age. You just got with the wrong man.

I suspect somewhere along the way it was flattering having a guy 12 years younger interested in you... but there is a good reason why a 20 something year old woman wanting to settle wouldn't give him the time of day.

Hardly the man you'd want your daughter to bring home.

You sound amazing...focus on your babies. Very brave having 2 so close in age I must say...as it's hard work with a supportive partner...never mind the extra kid you had to deal with.

You can do it. You are doing it. Never underestimate your strength

I've been sat here reading this with my mouth open! I'm in utter shock that this horrible waste of skin thinks he can treat you like this.

I am so so happy you've seen the light. He is nothing to you now. He doesn't bring anything to your life but drama and strife. I can imagine when he isn't there then you won't feel half as much exhaustion as you won't be so strung out by him.

I highly recommend that you keep posting on here. Every time you feel weak or unsure. You will get back up here every time.

I also strongly advise you to seek out the freedom programme as soon as you can. You stated earlier in the thread that you have a pattern of unsuitable men. These kind of men target kind ladies like you. the freedom programme have a group either in your area or if not you can do it online. It helps you learn about things like this.

I also wish to ask as I have seen other posters on do on threads like these, what did you learn growing up from your parents? What kind of a relationship did they have? What did you learn about relationships from them?

Best of luck op. Your future starts now!

Thank you for all of your kind words. You really don't know how much it means to me....
Just feeling a little shitty right now.... The problem with me is I don't like to hurt anyone...even when they've hurt me.... And I do still feel bad about the time of year and the kids.. I just wish it wasn't bloody Xmas!!
But I know in my heart I just want to be on my own.. yet an made to feel guilty about what I'm doing as though my feelings don't matter . What I want don't matter.....
I had his mom text me asking why he can't come home
I haven't replied as I don't feel it's her business to be honest and I don't want to get into the drama again with her.
Just feels like the end is a long way off right now! Only takes the slightest thing to put me back down

As for my parents they split when I was 5 and I never saw my dad till a few years ago when he got in touch.thats a sore subject for me as he left my mom for another woman and brought up her child as his own while abandoning me and my sister.
But my mom remarried and still is to my stepdad who's a lovely man.

Think carefully before your reply to his Mum.

He is a coke addict, alcoholic, doesn't contribute financially and refuses to be involved with the DC or do his share of the work.

I think that just about covers it????

Ha ha believe me I've told her it all in the past and more!
But the sun shines out of golden boys arse in her eyes so there's just no point lol. In fact she's more poisonous than he is!!

TBH I'd just block her too...

Hey op - you sound so strong x might be a bit crazy for a bit but by January you will be free and happy

I had his mom text me asking why he can't come home

Haha I bet she did! he's her problem now.....

Hi shell,

I think you did right not to reply to his mum. He's got his flying monkeys trying to work on you now. Don't get drawn in. I would tell him after xmas that any communication is now only about the children and when he is collecting his things. Other than that you won't engage. And actually keep to this. Don't let him goad you with threats, insults and any other woman. He cannot offer you anything now. Even if he does promise the world, its all empty dreams because this guy never follows through with anything that doesn't benefit him. You've said that yourself. And even if he did to begin with, it wouldn't last. As soon as he had snared you again, it would be back to business as usual.

Shell christmas is just another day. You put huge meaning on it and he knows that. That is Why he uses that line against you and that is why you cave. You clearly don't want to be seen as the bad guy but you have to remember that isn't your role. It's his. He has done this. Not you and not your children. It could be easter or a kid's birthday or your holidays or any other important times. Christmas is drilled down our necks it's all about family and he clearly isn't living up to that part and he hasn't all year so does it matter now it's Christmas. You have every right to be happy. It's time you gave yourself permission to be.

Only thing you need to reply to her, is asking who will be collecting his item's and the deadline for collection.

Text back, because it's no longer his home. ask when he is collecting his things.

To be honest Christmas is another day to me. It's him that's making a big deal out of it like it's wrong for him not to be here
...... But it's ok for him not to be here for his kids every other day of the year cuz it suits him,or he's tired.. or sulking in the bedroom cuz I've told him I'm too tired to cook his tea! Etc. .
I think he is using Xmas as an excuse to worm his way back in. Not cuz he genuinely wants to see the kids. Because I bet any money if I said I tell you what get a lift down Xmas morning spend the day with the kids then go back to your mom's,he would make every excuse as to why he can't do it that way!
His mind is thinking " I'll convince her to let me stay a day or 2 because of travel then I'll work my way back in guaranteed!
Or like he usually does when it's me telling him to go, refuse to go altogether! Yet quite happily walks out the door if it's payday!
As for his mom of course she's asking why he can't come home because she's blatent sick of him already. Spent all his money on booze and is probably begging for cash for more and eating her out of house and home!!
I'm not being funny but if my son was treating his girlfriend and kids that way he'd be getting a swift kick up the backside!
Not Molly coddled and patted on the head saying there there son don't worry it's not your fault!

Ignore his mum's text or go with what @ChristmasFlary said.

DO NOT LET HIM RETURN

No....I don't want him back... I want my life back....

It's just hard when I keep having ups and downs where one minute I'm strong and the next I'm just sat there filled with dread waiting for his next move.
This is why I've always had him back, because he uses every way he can to mess with my head and target my weaknesses and it's easier to give in than to let him screw up my head like that..but then the minute he is back I realise how much I despise everything about him.
The way he eats. The way he walks the way he breaths still lol.
And I'm straight back to thinking what the hell have I done?!
In a way when he first mentioned wanting to visit his nan before Xmas I thought yes! He will go and I'll refuse to let him back it's easier that way... But tried to get him to go after Xmas instead so I wouldn't be in this state when I have to concentrate on Xmas for the kids sake.
I haven't even wrapped all their presents yet.

I feel bad I've let this shit get to me again and let him take over my mind even though he's not here!
Wish it was as simple as taking it out of your mind and binning it!
My problem is every time I wake up on a morning all geared up that I can do this, but then the stress of the day and the kids and the constant dread of what he will do next, brings me straight back down by the evening
I feel like I've ranted on about it all loads and probably driving everyone on here mad by now lol.
I envy some of you ladies who stand up for yourself against bastards like this. ...walk away..and never look back.
Me, I start dwelling on myself..not the way I might of behaved, but about the way I look and stuff.
Thinking am I just past my sell by date now?
Have I been damaged by so many asshole mentioned the point I'm just not capable of a relationship anymore?
I lived with my older kids dad when I was with him. My first serious relationship. Between the ages of 17 and 23. After that I had boyfriends just never lived with any of them. For probably 15 years of that! Just couldn't face it.
Then only one other man I lived with apart from this one. So I think am I just too independent? Too set in my ways to allow a man to share my home? I do like things done my way in my house.lol. you know decorating furniture layout etc!
But yeah I start analysing myself .
Drives me insane!

Yes ignore his mum. It’s easier for her to have you deal with him. Just shows he’s a burden to her too.He's her boy, so no matter what has happened, it’ll automatically be your fault. Try not to engage with any of them. It obviously hasn’t sunk in that your home is no longer his home!

Its a pity he’s forcing you too spend all this emotional and mental energy on him. You should be able to dedicate this time to yourself and your children instead. Hopefully he’ll get the message soon.

Follow up by reporting him to the CSA (or whatever it’s called now) so he’s forced to pay for his kids too.

You will have ups and downs, that’s normal. If you have downs just read this thread again.

No contact is the way to go. Get a new SIM card and don’t be tempted to go on fb.

You are no way past it at 42 but you will need time to recover from this. Do the Freedom Programme. You’ll spot red flags a mile off.

One day you may feel strong enough for another relationship but don’t jump into another one on the rebound. You are vulnerable just now. Give time to yourself. Enjoy life. Better on your own than with an abusive man.

Plus I seriously need to change my username! It's so boring! My mind went blank when it asked me to make one. Some of yours are creative and funny!! Any ideas? Lol