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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

220 replies

Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 15:26

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

OP posts:
eggncress · 23/12/2018 20:58

Username for you OP: notoabusivetwats Grin

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 21:04

New username round Christmas time......hmmmm.......

ShelleyWatchTheStars (with apologies to AIR Xmas Grin)

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 21:57

Haha my mind is still blank!
All I can think of is
MichTheManSlayer
But I guess that's the frame of mind I'm in right now! Lol

Or some post I saw on Facebook where you took your letter of name and birth month to give you a Xmas name.
Merry Bitchtits that came out as 🤣🤣

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2018 22:04

I flipping love this Thread !! Mom with Christmas Balls you go girl Flowers

MerryBitchTits · 23/12/2018 22:17

Think I'll go for MerryBitchTits for now!
Made me laugh that one lol.
And yeah this thread is turning into the crazy ups and downs of a woman's mind .......post selfish twat boyfriend days!!

MerryBitchTits · 23/12/2018 22:45

On a funny note...
. I told my little ones earlier.....
(when they were tearing round my living room like the scene out of Jumanji when everything gets sucked into the board!.)....
that they had to behave if they wanted 🎅 santa to leave them some new toys under the tree. So what did they do? Emptied the whole contents of their toy box under the bloody tree!
Think they got the wrong end of the stick 🤣🤣🤣
Either that or it was some toddler style way of saying bugger behaving we got plenty toys to stick under there already!
Ain't toddlers a dream hey 🤣🤣

Oldstyle · 23/12/2018 22:57

A toast to you Merry Bitchtits! 2019 is going to be your year!
Flowers Wine

MerryBitchTits · 23/12/2018 23:18

Thanks! Let's hope so!

eggncress · 24/12/2018 02:04

Merrybitchtits! ... love it !😆

SimplySteve · 24/12/2018 03:09

Crewe?! Crewe?! I know a very deep ditch and a very deep reservoir near Crewe I can recommend for him to be "dropped off" ;-)

You're such a strong, strong woman Shell, I mean BitchTits! You can deffo get through this, with or without said ditch or reservoir!

MerryBitchTits · 24/12/2018 09:39

Believe me .right now that ditch sounds very tempting!!!
I'm going to apologize for this upcoming rant and bad language but I'm fuming!!
The cheeky sponging lazy ass little twat face has only just text me off his mom's phone asking me if I will lend him money so he can get a train to come here and stay the night to see kids tomorrow!! And the hilarious thing is he's actually serious! What the actual fuck goes through that tiny little mind of his?!!
Last Thursday I told him it was over and I wasn't putting up with his lying good for nothing waste of fucking oxygen ass anymore!!!!
I've blanked him and his mother after repeatedly telling him I mean it!
And that complete waste of skin actually has the nerve to contact me yet again as though I've said fuck all and try and make plans to come back!!!! With my fucking money!!!
I'm so angry I had to let rip!! The no contact went straight out the window along with his fucking clothes!!!!
God damn prick has already ruined my Xmas with his bullshit yet thinks and actually believes I will PAY for him to come back here so he can ruin it even more!
I swear to god if I ever see his face again I will cut his fucking Xmas baubles off with a blunt knife!

Rant over! And apologies!
Unbelievable

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/12/2018 09:54

I think you are wholly justified in breaking NC to deliver a firm "LOL ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HAHAHA NO WAY BUSTER".

No, he cannot come and see the kids tomorrow. So what if he paints you as a wicked witch who "kept him away" from his children on Christmas day? If he was a halfway decent human he would
A) arrange his own transport
B) talk civilly to you about a mutually suitable time to pick the kids up
C) respectfully think about what is in the children's best interests
D) offer to discuss regular maintenance and a contact schedule

All the time that he is not doing those things, you can ignore all the guilt trips and accusations that he will undoubtedly fling at you. He will use whatever leverage he can - the season, the kids, his heartbreak, your unfairness, etc.

You are going to need to be very strong and let it bounce off you. Remember that his end goal is NOT the kids happiness or being a family, it is to get you to knuckle under and let him continue to exploit you.

Heartofglass21 · 24/12/2018 10:06

@MerryBitchTits happy new name change!
The man is a useless piece of shit and my reply would be oh do fuck off dear. Then block his mum's number too. What a wanker.

I'd be inclined to take up the kind offer made by @SimplySteve Xmas Wink

MerryBitchTits · 24/12/2018 10:06

You are of course totally right!!
He's been nothing but a complete arse since he went!
Not at all civil!!
So I called his bluff and said no I ain't paying no train fare ! You wanna see them tomorrow make travel arrangements/ hotel bookings whatever and your welcome to!!
Full of excuses then!!!
No money....( Clearly blew it all on booze) so how was he expecting to get here at all?! Me fucking pay that's how!!
His mother's got a car or he's got bloody legs!
I'm not being funny but if it was the only way I got to see my kids on Xmas day I'd bloody walk the 100 miles to get there!!!!
I know exactly what his game was! He wanted me to pay to get him here tonight then he wud just either worm his way back in or refuse to go!
No chance!

AnyFucker · 24/12/2018 10:07

👍

DadJoke · 24/12/2018 10:33

It might be an idea on ejection day to have a couple of friends there for moral and physical support. These types of men tend to keep it under wraps when there is an audience. I also recommend you contact www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/barriers-to-leaving/ before acting.

MerryBitchTits · 24/12/2018 12:04

What do I do????
Hes rang me from a payphone he's at the train station intending to head here! I've told him I'll call police but he's not having any of it.

GhostSauce · 24/12/2018 12:10

Lock your doors and close the curtains.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 24/12/2018 12:11

Your default answer should be "ha ha lol" to 99% of the increasingly bizarre messages he will send as he realises that you are serious about not letting him back.

The last 1% will be about calling the police.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/12/2018 12:13

Call the Police, he’s a prick that just wants home comforts for HIS Christmas, if you let him in today, you might as bin your self respect and dignity and through it into that gutter you should be leaving this scum in.

DadJoke · 24/12/2018 12:14

Get some friends round if you can.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/12/2018 12:14

Don’t let him treat you like SHIT, then allow him to waltz back in like he is entitled too do so, he’s NOT!

AnyFucker · 24/12/2018 12:16

This is what you expected. Calm down and remember what you resolved. If he turns up, have the doors locked. Tell your kids not to let him in under any circumstances. If he kivcks off, phone the police.

He will have to "have it"... he has no choice in the matter.

CottonTailRabbit · 24/12/2018 12:32

Let him try telling the police he's not having it. See how well that goes for him.

Call the police now and ask for their advice on what to do if he turns up on your doorstep being aggressive. Tell them he has a history of violence. Tell them he has been on a bender. Tell them you have broken up but he won't accept it. If you have to call them to sort him out, the flag on your address gets them to prioritise you.

Heartofglass21 · 24/12/2018 12:38

Call the police and ask for their advice. Please @MerryBitchTits, don't let this twat of a man bully you into doing what he wants yet again. You are strong, stand up for yourself and your children. Don't sit back and let him waltz back into your life. If he's on his way, now is the time to pack up the rest of his stuff and dump it on the doorstep ready for him to collect.