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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm being forced to stay in a relationship

220 replies

Shellw76 · 22/12/2018 15:26

Hi all. I'm new on here but looking for a little advice, and to be honest someone to talk to...
To cut a long story short I've been in a relationship for 4 years with my partner. We have 2 boys. Aged 1 and 2. I'm 42 he's 30.
Over the relationship of we have an argument he's used it as an excuse to disappear overnight or for days at a time where he goes on a session. Blows hundreds of pounds on booze and coke.
Then rolls back like nothing has happened expecting me to get over it each time. Expecting me to believe him when he says it won't happen again etc.
Of course it does. It's becoming regular again ( he went 6 months without doing it but was cuz he wasn't in work so no money to blow! ) .he's away again right now. Has been since Thursday. He had a can at end of work with the bosses as they broke up. He came back and said he was going to his mom's to go and see his dying nan. The next day.
Then decided that wasn't good enough. Leant his wages off his mom as they weren't due till the following day, and left.obviously to go on a bender while he's there.
He uses every excuse to do this.... Stress... arguements....bad news...now his dying nan!
Anyway I've told him it's over. It was the last time he did it. Can't bear him near me.. don't trust him.etc
But each time he just turns up like I haven't said it and I'm stuck with him again!
This time it's days before Xmas. . He doesn't wanna miss Xmas with kids. .the kids he barely bothers with when he's here I might add....and even though I've said it's over he's not listening.im terrified he will just turn up again. I don't want to be with him no more I've reached my limit and me and my kids deserve way better than this.. I feel like I'm being mean because xmas is so near. .
Just anyone who would like to speak to me at all I'd be so grateful...feel like I'm at rock bottom ..don't really have friends to talk to.....

OP posts:
RadioGagga · 23/12/2018 07:54

Take the support of the health visitors. Let everyone know you don't want to be with him.

Treacletoots · 23/12/2018 08:03

I've just read the full thread and want to say how strong you sound compared to your first message OP.

I'm frankly incredibly impressed how you've dealt with this fuckwit, please keep your head held high and keep with the grey rock.

Also. Fuck him, I'm 41 next and I'm still fabulous. So are you ;)

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 08:21

Thank you all.
I'll be fine as long as he keeps the hell away from me and doesn't contact me at all.
He doesn't exist to me anymore. And quite frankly I've woken up with a different attitude to life.
I believe that what goes around comes around.....
And he's the one should be worried.... Not me!
He might have age on his side but that's it!
He's got the personality of a rock ( apologies to all rocks!)
His whole attitude to people stinks worse than my nappy bin!
He tries to talk the talk but he certainly can't walk the walk!
He eats like a pig ( ha ha)
Can't even use the washing machine or out down the bloody loo seat!
Thinks all his kids are worth is £50 a week
And is one of the most selfish arrogant self centred men I have ever met!
What a catch!

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 08:23

OP I take it you didn't lie about your age to him when you met? No? Then please realise that your age has nothing to do with this. He is indeed using it as a tool to beat you down. He didn't think you were too old to shag, did he?

He honestly sounds horrendous; useless and childish, while you sound brave and strong. Keep your anger. Keep ignoring/blocking. You only get ONE life. Now you can live it on your terms Xmas Smile

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 08:34

Lol no I didn't lie about my age.
I know he's just using that to get to me.
Even if I was the same age as him I would still be far more mature than him! I was!
He's just a silly little boy who hasn't grown up because mommy still wipes his little bum for him!
He uses and abuses people and when he's got all he can out of them he moves onto the next victim
My problem has been I'm too forgiving.always have been. And I give people way more chances than they deserve.... But when I'm done...I'm done....
And I'm done.
He can crack on burning his nose away with his coke and drinking hiself into oblivion until his liver blows up to the size of a football all he wants to.... He's not dragging me and my kids down that path with him anymore.
With no job he can't sustain his habits anymore....
And even though I can't stand his mom, I do know that she's got 2 other sons living with her, one who's 21 and autistic and a 10 year old. And once he starts his shit at hers ,out he goes! And he certainly won't be running back here anymore

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 23/12/2018 08:37

I'll be fine as long as he keeps the hell away from me and doesn't contact me at all. You have to make this happen. Block him on all media. Use the police, social services, health visitor, anyone who can help you keep him away. Build your defences.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 08:42

Oh btw I am 64 (with a daughter older than you) and I'm still fabulous! Xmas Grin

You're still a youngster Shellw76!

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 08:45

Trust me I plan to this time....
I will do all that I can to stop him contacting me... But I know he's sly and will use whatever methods he can. ( New numbers,fake Facebook's etc)
I think it's about time he realised that he's a little boy... And way too immature to try and play with the big girls!
Just had a bad day yesterday feeling down,feeling like it was all my fault....and I'm sure it won't be the last one...
But I know there will also be days like today ... Where I'm just happy to of finally taken out the trash that's been stinking up my house for years!

OP posts:
WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 23/12/2018 08:59

Now is the perfect time to put the fishtanks up for sale on FB especially if you haven't blocked him and everyone that knows him New year, new start. And a CMS claim for morw than £50 pw for the boys.

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 09:05

I already blocked him and everyone he knows on FB. Lol.
As for his fish tanks he spent more on them than he did our kids!
They are definitely going up for sale after Xmas if he don't make arrangements to have them removed. They're not even small tanks...m 4 foot one in my living room... A 5 foot (yes 5 ft!) One along with 2 smaller ones in my bedroom of all places! He wanted to put one in my babies room too! Over my dead body was that happening! ...Weirdo lol.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2018 09:13

So glad you've found your sanity and anger!

Every time you weaken read through this read and remember he will not change.

SandyY2K · 23/12/2018 09:31

He seems to have deluded himself that you should be grateful to be in a relationship with him because he's younger.

He's also annoyed that you are rejecting him ... because in his head "She should be lucky she has me"

The reality is he is a waste of time and space. He is not the man a younger woman would want...because he brings nothing to the table.

He has a dig at your age...and it's so very childish because he has nothing else to say.
He's like the school bully, who resorts to his fists because he's to dense to construct a sentence or articulate himself.

The only response is radio silence.

You're older than him. He's always known this ..it's not hot off the press news.. but because he knows you're sensitive about it...he has a dig. He's as useful as a chocolate teapot.

It takes a lot for a mum to throw her child out... the fact that his mum does so speaks volumes.

You're 42. You have 5 children. You brought and are bringing them up single handedly.
That's no easy task and you ought to be very proud of yourself. You've done great by all your DC... in spite of their fathers who have been a let down to say the least.

I'm appalled he previously went to your DD when he had nowhere else to go.

Shame on him

This man is nothing short of a liability.

Starlight456 · 23/12/2018 09:51

You have done well op. Can you move some fish into other tanks and at least get one emptied . Do you have a shed or garage you can put his stuff in so it’s out the house.

I would recommend you look at the freedom program . People do repeat the same patterns . Great thing about it been this time of the year is it is very busy

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 09:53

Hes just a nasty piece of work with no morals at all!
Yes he knows I'm sensitive about my age where as really I shouldn't be.

I've already had a text from a different number ( which I have just blocked also)
Which reads. .

This is fucking stupid now babe it's Christmas cum on can we put our shit aside for the kids for Christmas

Unbelievable. Trying to make out that it's all for the kids....the kids he barely bothered with when he was here . The kids who's money he sat sniffing up his nose!.... I'm furious...how dare he try and make out that he's just thinking of My kids! He's thinking of hiself! Because if he cared about my kids he would never of brought that shit into their lives at all.
What a nob!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2018 09:57

Lying thieving scum!!

mummmy2017 · 23/12/2018 10:10

Well done on blocking and not replying...

You rock.

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 10:12

It was sooooo tempting not to reply with...
" Can your dick grow a few inches little boy? No? Well same answer to your question!"
Lol. Killed me not to do it believe me ha ha .

OP posts:
eggncress · 23/12/2018 10:19

Well done O, keep going. Hes shitting himself now cos he’ll have to make an effort to find somewhere to stay, pay his way and generally take responsibility for himself.

There won’t be much left over for spending on drugs or other self indulgences !

He’s using Xmas to try to emotionally blackmail you. Just ignore.

Block block block !

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 10:23

Oh yes I know his routine.
Silence.... Then abuse.... Then panic sets in and he creeps....
He may know what to say or do to hurt me...but I also know him all too well too.
Says the same old shit....makes the same bullshit promises...... I fall for it .. take him back for nothing to change.....
I've realised I've been leaving it up to him to break that cycle, by actually expecting him to change.
When in reality only person that can break the cycle is me. By leaving

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 23/12/2018 10:24

Relying gives him an in...

If you do have to see him, and he trys to talk you round... Just tell him this is his choice, you are just accepting it....

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/12/2018 10:36

I've realised I've been leaving it up to him to break that cycle, by actually expecting him to change
When in reality only person that can break the cycle is me

Bravo, Shell, this is a fantastic insight! You are absolutely right and spot on - letting him be the one to call the shots is a waste of time. You are the one who can choose what happens next :)

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 10:37

Yes I agree. Replying gives him a reason to keep trying...
But if I do have to see him.. I will be making it clear that this ending is MY choice. But HIS doing.

OP posts:
Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 10:44

Yes.... By staying and leaving it down to him to change...I've been putting my happiness in his hands!
Silly silly silly!
I've given him the chance to stop this shot for the sake of the relationship and he hasn't.. so now it's my turn to stop the shit.. only way it's gonna stop is by me walking away. He's proved he's not capable of changing.

OP posts:
eggncress · 23/12/2018 10:52

If you do see him make sure it’s somewhere public... like a supermarket or Mac Donald’s. Be aware the when he realises it’s over he may become violent ( especially if he gets you alone)
Violence is often a last resort when abusive controllers realise they have lost control of a person.

Shellw76 · 23/12/2018 10:55

He will be messing with the wrong girl if he does! I have a black belt in kickboxing and would be quite happy to put my hip out in order to kick his ass if he tried to lay a finger on me. Lol.

OP posts: