Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

How close were your exes to your dad? How long ago were the relationships and for how long did each last? I'm assuming you didn't remain friends but are on civil terms?

I wouldn't tell any exes my dad had died, because my last ex was 5 years ago and we were only together for 3 years in our early 20s. It would be a bit odd and I think my DP would be justified in being a bit "wtf?" At suggesting I meet with them.

But the context may be different for you and it's hard to comment without that.

I do find it odd you would get in touch with them. They’re ex’s and you’ve had no contact in years, they aren’t part of your life any more.

How long have you been together? Do you love her?

I'm so sorry to hear your dad passed away, but honestly I have to agree with your GF about this.
I don't think that there should be a need to keep your exes updated on your life. I understand why you might want to, but I really think that you should be focussing more on the current relationship rather than the past. Sorry.

From my perspective, she is being a complete drama queen. Your father dying is a pretty major thing and I don't blame you for wanting to share that news with everyone in your past who would understand what that would mean for you. That said, I'm a lesbian and, though this is a massive generalization, I think we tend with exes to move more easily from being lovers to being friends after an initial cooling off and regrouping period than male/female couples do. (My beloved's ex is just about to move in with us for a bit. Am I worried? Only at the thought of not being able to wander around with no clothes on any more.)

As mean as this sounds, if an ex I hadn't spoken to in years got in touch to tell me his dad had died, I'd think he was using it to make me feel sorry for him and give him another chance.

I'd be really unhappy if DH was arranging meet-up and having cosy phonecall with his exes too.

Instead of reaffirming your view of what happened to us, why not look at it from her side?

And as you’re asking, if my partner did this, I’d too be hurt and furious.

Your girlfriend didn’t sign up to a partner who still hung out with his ex’s, so why should she be pleased about this prospect?
(Different if you’d remained friends with your ex’s and current gf had known)

You’ve just made potential plans to meet up with one and were you planning on going? How do you propose to have told gf that? Of would you have asked her along?

If I were you I’d be eating some humble pie, but that’s just me.

I think she is being disproportionate about this particularly if your exes knew your dad and you parted on friendly terms with the exes. I can understand why you set comfort from their kind words. GF is being coloured by her past experiences.

OP

First of all I'm sorry about your Dad....

I personally don't think you've done anything wrong. A family death brings about lots of contact with various people.

I'm assuming you've not done anything to cheat in the past or similar.

While understanding that your OH has had a bad experience in the past I personally couldn't cope in a relationship where I needed consent to make such contacts.

We've been married over 20 years and have both had contact with serious exes.

Meh - I wouldn’t be remotely bothered if you’d been in touch with your exes for this reason or if you wanted a general catch up. Exes are a part of your life, as long a you’re not going to bang them or let it affect your current relationship it’s fine.

I'm gonna go a bit evo psych here because it might be helpful to understand why she is so upset.

At a group level, women get more jealous of 'emotional connections' because they fear the man may start sharing out his resources with these other women, and men get more jealous of 'sexual contact' because the primal fear around parentage is spiked.

We have different drivers, and a woman being worried about the connection you may have with another woman can be overwhelming. So although I think she may be being a little over the top, I can see why she might be reacting the way she is - you cannot see the harm - you weren't going to have sex with them, right?

www.health.com/mind-body/straight-men-more-prone-to-jealousy-over-sexual-infidelity-study

It's not a bit harsh to break up with a partner who has carried on with someone else and lied about it. Why would it be? They obviously can't be trusted.

It is a bit odd to contact exes who are no longer in your life about your father though. Why did they need to know? Was it just about soliciting comfort from women you were once close to? Because it seems so, unless there was another reason you haven't specified. Which does make it look like you don't think your gf's support is enough. And esp at such an emotional time, it's not a good idea to take a long walk down memory lane with your ex, let alone talk about meeting up. And then hide it from your gf? I'm not surprised she's a bit dubious, even before hearing about her lying scum ex bf.

I'm sorry for your loss, but don't use it as an excuse to rekindle old relationships while you have a gf.

I agree with your GF to a certain degree.

There was no need to contact them. The most recent ex couldn’t of even been a long relationship if you had one 4 years ago and then 2 years ago and then your with your now GF?!

You basically did it all behind her back as well and didn’t mention it for a month?! You don’t forget your arranging to meet up with an ex or a 45 min phone call with another.

I would honestly think you didn’t tell her on purpose as you knew she wouldn’t be happy about it. Maybe you thought it wouldn’t sound as bad if it was a month ago.

She's being very childish. You haven't done anything wrong.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

You've explained. You've apologised. She either accepts it and moves on with you and you resolve to be more open in the future, or you go your separate ways

If someone told me to take some time for deep reflection I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Sorry about your Dad, OP.

I think you're both in the wrong here. You shouldn't have suggested meeting up with an ex and chatted to another one for 45 mins, whatever the reason, not mentioned it to your girlfriend and expected her to be fine with that. Of course she's upset and doubting you.

However, it does sound like she had overreacted a bit.

Nothing you can do really except keep apologising and telling her you love her until she's ready to make up.

I read this again and she sounds unreasonable - I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and I don’t think it’s fair for her to ‘throw the nice things she’s done since my dad passed in my face’. That’s not nice.

"we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago"

It seems a bit odd that you were close enough that you'd contact her about your dad but she didn't contact you about her mum.

And how did a 45mins conversation just slip your mind?

I don't think that I personally would assume you were up to something, but I can understand why your girlfriend might feel that way after what she went through before.

The attitude that you thought she was "a bit harsh" in not trusting someone who was exchanging flirty messages would also make me wonder whether we were really on the same page when it comes to boundaries of a relationship. That would certainly make me re-think things.

I don't think she has over reacted.

You kept this to yourself for 4 weeks.

It also seems weird that you reached put 2 two ex's. Surely if they were that close to your dad or still in touch with you, they would have heard? How long after your dad passed did you contact them?

Honestly I would wary of Dp did this.

Your dad has just died. It's her turn to be the bigger person for a little bit at least. Even if you had really fucked up (which I don't think you especially have, though probs not ideal course of action) your dad has just died. You're not going to be in your best frame of mind for making good decisions. She should be a bit mature about that and if she's really hurt, address the issue after a bit of time.

So much depends on context. How long had you been together with your exes? Did they know your family well?
When my DH’s dad passed away one of the first people who called was one of his exes. But they had dated for ages, and been friends as exes for ages too and she’s a good friend to both of us.. she also was one of the first to come see us in the hospital after DD was born (and I was very happy to see her). But other exes who he isn’t close to or who didn’t know his family I’d find it very odd.
Similarly I have one ex from a long term relationship who i’d still text about things like this. But other exes we aren’t in touch apart from maybe liking each other’s pictures once in a while on social media. So I’d find it odd to message them about anything.
FWIW I think your gf is being a bit unreasonable if they were genuinely close to your family. But otherwise yes some reflection is needed on why you wanted to text them and escalate contact out of the blue.

First ex was 3.5 years, other ex was 1.5 years and yes things are civil but we're not friends. They would have spent a fair bit of time with my dad, staying over, meals, weekends away. I was close to my dad and always liked him being involved. He was one of these guys everybody loved. So yes in fairness they wouldn't have seen him for a while but at the time going through the process of telling family, friends, I thought to tell them. My ex did contact me to tell me her mum has passed as well two years ago as well. And for what it's worth my sister text her ex bf to tell him.

As I said, I'm not saying I haven't done anything wrong - Appears to be 50:50 on whether I should have contacted them in the first place but at the time I just thought it was courtesy and I knew they would be empathetic about it. I should have told her about it right away I know that. And talk of meeting up was wrong and I wouldn't have met her without telling my ex, there was no agenda either, she lives with her bf now, there is no feelings there whatsoever we don't even have each other on social media etc. I'm just not sure if I should be made to jump through hoops to be back in her good graces, especially a week after I saw my dad off and a week before xmas? She doesn't live with me so shes just left now says she speak to me until I give her the explanation she wants. I have grovelled in the past for grovelable offense but this isn;t one of them, is it?

Her sisters bf recently was caught cheating, numbers saved under lads names, lots of messages, and was caught kissing her. I actually thought this might help my case as at least I can say well I'm nothing like him but she basically inferred I'm in the same bracket.

She IBU. Your dad died - it's not her drama. Why is this suddenly all about her?

Mind you, 45 minutes = you and ex still fancy each other. So what, you should be saying, and I hope you are.

How long ago did your dad pass away?

She's being unreasonable. It is perfectly normal to contact people who knew your dad about his passing and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's also perfectly normal to have a catch up and suggest meeting up. If she doesn't trust you then there is no relationship.