Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

@keeponkeepingonagainandagain I'm unsure of how you're defining direct/indirect but they knew my Dad very well. If they saw him on the street they would have had a chat.

And sorry but I wasn't taking advantage. It was an initial one off message an din the reply the dynamics of the conversation moved on to include asking how each other were in general. And I'm not saying my gf doesnt have anything to take issue about, but her asking me to have a deep think about what I've done and give her reasons for my actions so she can decide if she will forgive me is a bit too far, thats really what I was asking..?

I'm defining direct/indirect is the usual way- ie your exes knew your dad through you.

You have explained why you made contact with your exes - you were 'flattered' by others 'reaching out' to you and 'indulged' yourself.

This was wrong. No one is perfect. Especially in extremis. This won't be the last time you are grieving or in pain. You can either own your mistakes or play the blame game and try and justify your actions.

Just apologise to your GF, acknowledge her feelings, show her you have now thought about it from her perspective and understand why she's upset. You can also explain you are focused on your dad's death and your grief and don't have the emotional energy for conflict. It's not a zero sum game. You can acknowledge her feelings as well as your own. By resolving things with her you can focus on what's important to you right now - the loss of your dad. If she doesn't understand that, you may want to wonder about her capacity to support you emotionally in your hour of need (which I suspect is what you're most upset about). But you are massively contributing to the relationship drama at the moment by challenging her reaction - even though you've already said you understand why she might have had that reaction (past relationships/hurt/betrayal). End the conflict with your GF by acknowledging her feelings. Then focus on what's important - your grief and loss.

@keeponkeepingonagainandagain ok thats your opinion on the direct/indirect thing. I actually don't think there is anything wrong by telling them but I suppose there's a split about that amongst this feed. And no that's not 'the' reason I made contact with them but yes it could make up some of the reason, as with anybody who I spoke with, not just them (and that speaking with hindsight, I didn't conciously get in touch with that in mind)

I do think it was wrong to not keep her in the loop with what was going on

@Lulu777 I think you're right. I will go over my apologies ot her to see if I have left anything out about understanding her feelings. As I said if this thread comes across like I have been dismissive it's because I am summarising a lot.

@helpafellaout I am really sorry about your loss, I have recently lost my mum and I completely understand your actions.

Your gf pride has been attacked, but at the same time this is a very painful and strange time for you and she should be more understanding as you were honest about it and show her how much you love her by being affectionate, so she shouldn't be insecure.
I would be slightly hurt as well by a 45 minutes conversation with an ex, but again, I would try and put it into context. She is jealous you would be getting emotional support from another woman rather than her.

Please just sit down and talk and explain to her how you feel honestly and that you didn't mean to hurt her at all, but that losing a parent is an incredible difficult time and you need emotional support from everyone.

Hope it goes well.

The thing is, from your girlfriend point of view, at a time you were grieving and she was supporting you.....You sought out attention and comfort from your ex girlfriends.

They aren't friends. You don't speak to them regularly. You didn't just inform them in case they would want to know. You them had further contact and then failed to mention it for 4 weeks.

Wether you intended it or not it looks a bit dodgy and like you were saying her support wasn't enough and you wanted your ex's support. This is from her point if view.

When she has asked you to think about you actions. She probably means your intentions. She probably thinks deep down you want your ex's and not her.

She sounds like a complete nutcase to me. You didn't do anything wrong at all. If it had gotten flirty or gone into more risque topics I would be questioning you to the hilt. But that's not the case. Furthermore your ex's were on good terms with your father. Complete non issue. You did exactly what I would have done.

As for her. Yes. Nutcase. If you really love her and want it to work you'll just have to tread carefully, let her calm down, indulge in a little common sense. But frankly, if she's treating you like this after your father has just died I would seriously question remaining with her at all.

Also, and more importantly. I am very sorry for your loss. Good glass of wine and hanging with friends might be a better option.

Perhaps sub-conciously I wanted as many people as possible to know and to be sad for my dad but also say something nice about him
This is perfectly normal. I would assume your gf hasn’t experienced a major loss. Even if she didn’t react the same way as you her ability to cut you some slack would surely increase. Losing a parent can make you look back on the past differently, and for many it kind of makes you “grow up”. Hopefully she will come back but I would not be giving her some grovelling apology. Maybe tell her you love her and had no intention of hurting her, but do need to seek support at this time. And if she cannot accept what you have done then you hope she has a happy life.

Note clue I don’t think one person’s support is enough when you are bereaved. It’s not a monogamous thing, grief, you can share it around!

Sorry, notaclue

Hohocabbage Yes but the op also says lots of people were contacting him and his family. Not just her.

Reaching out the ex's, probably feels different.

I don't think the girlfriend was the only one supporting him.

Agreed with everything Cawfee
Said.
Put yourself in your gf position.
She's been hurt by this sort of thing before.
I've been in the same position.
And she's not prepared to get hurt again.
Good for her.
This is a big red flag by mn standards any way.
It may be all above board but come on, ex's , 45 mins catch ups, arranging to meet up.
She's done this script.

Next it's 'don't know why we ever split up yadda yadda.

Most women don't like their dp to have emotional connections with females and certainly not 'ex's.

If this gf means a lot to you go and make up.

Unless love is always popping up round the corner.
I've found love is quite rare.
Cherish it.

When my dad died I found it comforting to reach out to people who had known him. It was good to hear new memories of him and for a little while it kept the loss in the present. I think I might have reached out to exes too.

I think the only 'deep reflection' I would be doing is on whether I really want to be in a relationship with someone who creates a relationship drama when you're newly bereaved or who expects to have a starring role in your grief.

"ow would you like it if she was having a conversation with an ex right now for 45 minutes about what a duck you're being??
And ex offers to meet for coffee to cheer her up ......."

Completely different because he didn't contact his ex to complain about his gf.

"it looks like you’ve been caught red handed by your GF and now you’re back pedalling furiously."

Caught red handed? He told her.

"She’s fully entitled to draw her boundaries and not be ok with you breaking them."

But they were secret boundaries that she'd never told him about, thus he didn't know he'd done anything wrong until she reacted badly to being told about it.

" Now you have arranged to meet up with one of them."

No he hasn't. It was suggested, he said he has no intention of doing so.

"You can write what you want OP but if you want to know why she’s upset then re-read what I’ve written until you get it."

We usually believe the op on mn don't we? If he says it was innocent, it was innocent. Why lie on an anonymous forum? Why does he have to give credence to her oversensitive whinyarse blathering if she won't give credence to his honest appraisal of why he acted that way whilst grieving?

We usually believe the op on mn don't we?

True but the OP is talking about subconscious desires. The GF clearly thinks his subconscious desires are other than he thinks. FWIW I wonder if she's right.

I think the only 'deep reflection' I would be doing is on whether I really want to be in a relationship with someone who creates a relationship drama when you're newly bereaved or who expects to have a starring role in your grief

Haha I like the way this was put - have to say I’m finding this thread fascinating. I’m really surprised by how upset some people are on behalf of OPs ex.

Also - she’s 30! Not 15! Get over it love!

You were informing your exes that your dad had died. I think you’re entitled to tell who you like, about your dad and no one should be getting upset about that.

However you went further than that by arranging to meeting up with ex. That would annoy me very much and I don’t blame your gf for getting very upset about this.

Not sure ladies on here would be so sympathetic if they were the gf.
It would LTB.

Contacting ex's not seen for years is odd at best.

They are ex's for a reason.

It was a mistake.
Maybe understandable under the circumstances but still s mistake.

Hmm Robin, would never have occurred to me to think about it from a different perspective.. thanks for putting us right.
I wasn’t sure what end was up a month after either of my parents died. I would get to work with no recollection of having driven there. I couldn’t be doing with a less-than-supportive partner during that time.

So sorry for the loss of your dad OP.

I understand how both of you feel. I've been in similar situations. My husbands ex contacted him when her dad died (within 2 months of them splitting up and him getting together with me). He told me, he knew her dad well, he was upset and I was there for him, didn't worry me at all BUT they had been together for 6 years and I was new on the scene.

Another situation I miss-read... My ex's mum died tramatically. SHE had been in a relationship with my dad to complicate matters. I tried to be there for both of them as they were both in utter turmoil as it was such a devastating shock. My OH at the time was LIVID, hated me speaking to my ex and I found that unreasonable until I retold the tale to my current partner who is the least jealous man in the world and he said he would have been pissed off too!

So everyone deals with things differently. The one thing that is the same in both those situations is the honesty. No smoke screens. If I was your GF I think I'd be pissed off too. As much as you're hurting, I think you should cut her some slack. If you'd told her you were going to let her know you were going to tell your exes and then she went batshit, that would be different. But you didn't you kept it from her. You're both in the wrong here.

I’m afraid I think telling you to ‘deeply reflect’ is a deeply cuntish thing to say - sorry for your loss OP.

Ultimately you’re going through one of the hardest things that we go through - the loss of a parent - and it sounds as though you’re juggling some family tensions at the same time. This girl is going about the right way to get dumped because I honestly think that you don’t have the time or emotional energy to spend it on composing grovelling apologies for her right now.

Whether you should be apologising further or not, I just don’t think this relationship is going to last I’m afraid. Whoever is in the right on this one - actually maybe you both are - her inability to be supportive and accept that sometimes it’s not about her is going to grate on you in the long run. It will get easier, honestly, but that doesn’t mean you don’t continue to mourn. When you’re still mourning in a year’s time, ask yourself, will she be there for you ? Or will she be using it as an opportunity to give you another kicking about this ‘faux pas’?

I don’t think she can see the wood for the trees tbh. You don’t have time or emotional energy for this right now.

I think you have been insensitive. It really does depend on the situation though. This has obviously hit a raw nerve with your girlfriend. How is she in other aspects of the relationship? If most areas of the relationship are good then I think you really need to put yourself in her shoes. I think if these exs were worth informing then you'd have been in regular contact with them. Why do they even need to know. It would seriously annoy me.