Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

Ok, with that context I think she’s being v unreasonable. And just a week after your loss too. I’m sorry about your dad btw, fwiw he sounds like a lovely person if he inspires so much warmth in people. Grief makes us crave closeness and empathy and warmth and your current girlfriend probably didn’t know your dad all that well so can’t exactly sit and reminisce about what a guy he was.
Leave the grovelling aside and focus on your grief and try to see the rest of your family and friends over Christmas.
Your girlfriend sounds like a drama queen and tbh you’re well rid of her.

I also wanted to agree that your gf is being a drama queen and it is totally inappropriate bearing in mind your Dad has just died.

Spend time with your family and let her stew. Defer any decisions until you feel a bit stronger.

He passed away a month ago.

No the 45 minutes doesn't indicate anything for me, although I know it doesn't look great. I was surprised she called, I was just expecting a message back after my initial message. We talked about what happened to my dad then whats going on with us, each others familys. I can talk tbf and the pair of us were friends for 6 months before dating so we get on, just not romantically anymore. I wouldn't have broke up with her if I still had feelings for her. And I was in contact with two exs, it can't be plausible that I still have feelings for two girls I broke up with. Plus my current gf amazing and beautiful, just a tendancy to milk it a bit when I'm in the wrong :(

Yeah, it's a week after you've lost your dad. She is being really selfish.

Not a very attractive feature.

I wouldn't grovel in any way. If she thinks you have been cheating, then she should dump you. If she just wants to play out her insecurities then that is simply not acceptable when you are grieving.

It’s perfectly reasonable to phone and tell an ex. It’s not reasonable to behave awfully towards a partner who has suffered recent loss. It’s all about her insecurities when really it should be about working your way through a close bereavement. Is she usually self centered?

Personally I couldn’t be doing with the drama and would be thinking quite hard about whether she’s someone I want as a partner.

She doesn’t trust you to the point where she’s gone right through your phone. She’s making it “me me me” when it’s you that’s lost your Dad and giving you grief when you have more than enough on your plate.

From her POV you contacted a few ex gf who have had nothing to do with your father for many years, had long phone convo and talked about meeting up. You then hid it from her. She had supported you throughout this whole period and now finds you hid things from her. Just like her cheating ex. You say you know you did something which could look dodgy - yes, esp knowing her ex's history - and have done grovel worthy things before. Being taken for a mug by a cheating partner is a horrible thing, and destroys the ability to blindly trust, so I'm not at all surprised she found it difficult that you had extended contact with an ex behind her back.maybe she is one of those ppl (like me) who wouldn't be telling exes about someone's death if they'd had nothing to do with them in 4+ years. There are so many instances of ppl seeking comfort from others in difficult times, which leads to more. I'm not saying this was your intention, but it could be on her mind, all things considered (what have you done previously which you classed as a grovel worthy incident??), as it does look like you needed more support than she was giving you. Both of you are having a difficult time and need to see it from each other's POV. She does have valid reason to be upset, as do you. You both could show more empathy in the situation, before it escalates further.

How long have you been with your girlfriend? I think it's fine to let them know your dad had died and it's fine to have a catch up, but I think you should've told her you'd spoken to them. It's the fact that it came as a shock to her that's upset her. But I think you've tried hard to explain and you sound honest and genuine. I don't think you deserve the level of "punishment" that you're getting personally- particularly as your dad had just died. I think I'd tell her you've apologised and already tried to explain, if she still can't trust you it's a shame but there's not much else you can do.

I can't see what you've done wrong. It's perfectly normal to contact people about a bereavement, and I'm not surprised that the initial contact turned into a text exchange or a phone call either.

Your gf is being crazy. I might understand her pov if you'd contacted one ex, suggesting she was still special to you in some way, but you contacted both of them.

Just because other people erase exes from their life doesn't mean that everyone does, especially if the relationships ended on decent terms.

As for not telling her : your dad died four weeks ago so you had bigger fish to fry, no?

I think she might be a bit too used to you grovelling. I wouldn't do it this time, personally.

She doesn't live with me so shes just left now says she speak to me until I give her the explanation she wants. I have grovelled in the past for grovelable offense but this isn;t one of them, is it?

It doesn't sound like this is a particularly good relationship to me. You sound very dismissive of her feelings and the way she responds to conflict sounds unhealthy.

If you don't want to apologise further, then don't. It might finish the relationship but is that necessarily a bad thing?

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

I think it's weird to contact two exes when your dad died, unless you were in contact with them both anyway.

I think her reaction is weird and bordering manipulative.

This would have pissed me off 10 years ago ...but now I'm a grown up I'd get it, even if I was secretly pissed off.
She probably just needs time to get over it and process it all as she probably just feels anxious this will go the same way as with her ex.

Just bear in mine some damage will be done and know that she isn't happy With this kind of contact with exes

First, condolences for your loss.

I do wonder what the time gaps between your relationships were. I once had a guy go directly from me to a new girl friend. We needed to break up (one of us moved back to the other side of the Atlantic) and I told him to please wait with the new girl til I was gone. (It was clear she was interested). Of course he didn’t wait, got together with her, and - I guess because he loves drama - told her we were more than friends and he still had feelings for me. While I was still there for 6 weeks and we spent time together (planned camping trip, helping with move as promised...).
Long story short, I am the only ex not welcome there. And fucking eight years after all the drama, she had a fight with him over him looking at my facebook page with holiday pics (with my child and partner in them, no less), and he messaged me to tell me he had to unfriend me on fab now, fucking eight (!) years later, to appease her. (Hadn‘t been an issue for 8 years, though).

Lessons learned: Hopping from one gf to the next ain‘t a grand idea, if you don‘t want to have any contact with an ex descend into drama one way or the other.

I have sympathies for her fear due to previous circumstances. However this...

"I wouldn't grovel in any way. If she thinks you have been cheating, then she should dump you. If she just wants to play out her insecurities then that is simply not acceptable when you are grieving."

I upset her last New Years, no third party involved (if that’s what you were implying) just me being a drunken idiot so I had to grovel a bit there! I actually don’t dismiss her feelings, im quite a thinker and I do try to see her POV, I’ve admitted I can see it here but I’m saying I have apologised and given the circumstances I don’t think she needs to drag this out which she is doing.

Re her dealing with conflict, yes I find she get emotional easy, either cries or gets angry and makes it really difficult to get anything constructive out of the conflict

And I suppose this will be contentious but I didn’t hide anything from her! People will think surely you must have thought to tell her but I honestly didn’t with all that was going on. I definitely wouldn’t have met my ex without telling my gf though. And I wasn’t caught, i can’t remember exactly now but we talking over dinner and speaking to exes last come up and I mentioned I had told them about my dad and it started from there and I was very open about everything.

Why did you contact them though?

I think you probably do deserve a bit of slack for your dad dying only a week before, but at the same time, I think your gf has a good reason to be upset with you and several of your points like 'I don't need this the week before xmas' apply to her too!

I still wonder how the timeline of transitions from one gf to the next went and what impressions your gf got about those relationships and how you view them, OP.

I think there was about 7months between gfs

I contacted them because they knew my dad, messages were getting quite overwhelming initially but then I realised how nice it was to have people reach out and even how upset they were, it’s a bit perverse but in a way shows to me how much my dad meant to people! I think everyone’s experience is different here. My gf had a bitter break up with her ex, I didn’t with mine! But that isn’t exactly been at the forefront of my mind recently,

*Personally I couldn’t be doing with the drama and would be thinking quite hard about whether she’s someone I want as a partner.
*
This ^ Making it all about her would be a total turn off and a red flag. I'm really sorry about your dad. He sounds like a great guy.

OP- 🤔 I have a rather healthy and respectful relationship - both professionals- we are very happy and rarely disagree!

If (soon to be) DH called two ex’s post losing a parent- engaged in 45 minute king calls and didn’t mention it for weeks. I would feel that was enough of a red flag to call off our wedding!

Im sorry but it sends all the signals that you feel closer emotionally to your ex’s and that you don’t see you and GF as a ‘team’- if you did you’d have just said ‘I think X and X should know my father passed away- I should message them’ not just done it behind her back.

I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful!

@KnightlyMyMan that's over the top dramatic.
Cancel the wedding etc.

Sorry about your dad

If you broke up with one of the GFs long enough ago that it's been two years since she told you her DM died, you must have split up quite a while ago. I can't imagine telling my ex of 3-4 years ago I'd lost a parent. But you did. And there's probably a reason. Do you think you're being entirely honest with yourself?

@helpafellaout
I'm not entirely sure why you contact them but you did I guess it's over and you won't be in touch again.
I can see the delay as problematic but grief it's a strange thing.
Your father sadly died and sometimes we do things out of character.
You have apologised enough. It was a silly thing to do.
I've been married 30 years and I can tell you the way we solve conflict is by facing it.
I'll write an email or a text and explain that you meant no harm. Explain that you understand her point of you and you hope she understand that you were not thinking that clear at the time.
Until she calms down she won't be able to see that it was not you fishing to rekindle your old relationships.
Good luck and learn from the experience we are all different and some of us are more secure than others.

Based on what you have said and assuming you are being truthful about your motivation when contacting your exs I can't see that you have done anything wrong. Your gf sounds jealous and a bit controlling to me.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I thought I would chime in due to PPs saying they don't understand you contacting exes.

My mum was very ill a few years ago. (Thankfully, she recovered.) It got me thinking in ways I hadn't previously and I, consequently, contacted one of my exes to let him know the situation. We were together for quite some years and share a lot of history. He feels rather like a brother to me. We're not in touch normally and are both in committed relationships.

Similarly, when I heard that an old friend/boyfriend's dad had died, I contacted him. We hadn't been in touch for years (20+) but swapped messages and shared our memories of his dad and caught up a little. I know he appreciated this, as did I.

I think this is normal.

I do have other exes whom I wouldn't think of contacting. I think it depends on the relationship.

All that said, I can understand your gf being concerned, given her history and that you didn't tell her immediately or even beforehand. (Including her in the process might have helped.)

However, I also think that this sounds like a lot of drama at a time which should really be about you. I would be alert for any other red flags. Is she controlling in other ways?