Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

I totally agree with Robin2323. You really didn’t need to contact the exes. If you were in daily/weekly/monthly contact or moved in same social circles then sure. But you don’t. It’s been years. Over kill and suspicious and to be honest, it looks like you’ve been caught red handed by your GF and now you’re back pedalling furiously because you realise you’ve F’d up and she’s no patsy. Plus you’re aware of her previous BF cheating and you still did it. You’d be dumped and no returns if you were my BF. Not trustworthy, dismissive, insensitive, inappropriate, rude, callous...all of those are on my nope list and you ticked all of them. Sorry but you asked for honesty. You’d be gone. I don’t know anybody who’s pulled a stunt like this. She’s fully entitled to draw her boundaries and not be ok with you breaking them. You knew her background and you knew this would break one of her boundary issues. Not ok OP. You’re out.

You can stay friends with exes. Why should op have to sever friendships because his gf doesn’t like it? It’s her problem not his.

But he’s not friends with them. Had he been in touch throughout then it wouldn’t be so odd. It’s the fact that he hasn’t seen either of them for years but now, in a state of emotional upheaval, he’s thought of them, chatted to them and talked about meeting one of them, without his GF knowing for weeks. It may not be suss, but it does look suss.

I know my own DP got a bit too close to a friend he turned to for comfort when a mutual friend died. When your defences are down you can make stupid decisions.

What was the previous ‘grovellable offence’ OP? If it was anything to do with other women or keeping secrets then it’s important.

I think you may be confusing grovelling with acknowledging. I know my DP thinks I’m asking him to ‘fall on his sword’ when I don’t immediately accept an apology, but actually I couldn’t give a shit about the words “I’m sorry” or promises to do better. All I want is an acknowledgement that I have a right to feel bad. Even if it goes along the lines of “well if that’s what you thought was going on then no wonder you’re so upset. I can see how you got there. That makes sense.” Not “you’ve got it wrong, there’s nothing going on, why do you have to make me feel bad when I’ve done nothing wrong?”

The reason i called them is for the same reason i called anybody - I wanted them to know! Perhaps sub-conciously I wanted as many people as possible to know and to be sad for my dad but also say something nice about him. They as well as many others were able to do that. I'm not a needy person and I normally deal with things on my own but I was flattered at the amount of people who reached out to me and my family and maybe for the first time in my life I have indulged in it.

It wasn't my intention to rekindle anything and that hasn't happened, at the time to me reaching out to them was no different to reaching out to anybody else. Admittedly in hindsite I should have included her or told her what I was doing which I have apologised for.

I wouldn’t be happy to be in a relationship where my boyfriend tried to police my contact with anyone, including exes. I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my boyfriend I’d spoken to my ex on the phone for 45 minutes as a catch up and frankly I’d be pissed off if they tried to make me feel like that was ‘wrong’. If they couldnt handle that they could end the relationship. If I was contacting my ex all the time I’d understand why they might want to end it or discuss it with me. This scenario sounds completely innocent.

Evidently some people think contact with exes is crossing a line of sorts, that’s up to them but I’d consider myself incompatible with them.

Op your gf sounds like the mumsnet classic - “hard work”.

I think you are both wrong.
But I don't like this >> she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on

If you have no real reasons then what does she expect you to say?
Honestly.... I'd back away from her for a bit.
It's been a month and you need lots of love and support around you.
This crap is not OK. I ended with an Ex when my sister died as I couldn't deal with his neediness. I needed (and still do need) all my energy just get through the days.
Has she lost anyone close to her?
You need some time for you.
Just ask for a bit of space. See family and friends and keep yourself busy. Get through Christmas with your family and let her know that you'll get back in touch in the new year.
My sister died 9 months ago and I am dreading Christmas.
I definitely couldn't be dealing with this shit as well.
It's gonna be hard enough.

I think if you ask for a break then she may do some reflecting of her own!
Don't beg or plead right now.
Just get yourself some space.

I'm so sorry for you loss.
It's a truly shitty time for everyone.

It doesn't matter if WE'RE upset, the fact is that SHE'S upset and you don't seem that bothered about her feelings.

His dad has just died he is grieving she is not concerned about that just her own Me Me ME what about MEEEEE feelings.

@Cawfee look I'm sorry if you've been wronged in the past but your summisation of me and this situation is completely wrong. If I'm coming across as dismissive on here it's because I am summarising a lengthy situation. I am in a grieveing process and I have still set aside time to give her a genuine heart felt apology and to explain my actions. I've got a barrage of admin to sort out, my sister is a mess, my mum and dad were separated and she keeps coming at me for 'what's legally hers', and I just don't need this right now.

I haven't been caught red handed - infact at the very start of this I had an opportunity to lie and this would never have gotten any traction. I didn't do that. Furthermore I don't have any previous for this type of thing, I'm usually the affectionate when whilst she is usually the more cold one - I'm completely head over for the girl

I just started a thread about a similar drama llama. You've apologised. She needs to move on or ship out. There's nothing wrong with contacting exes who knew your Dad and having a catch up. It doesn't mean you're going to jump into bed with them. You need her to be supportive, not making it all about me me me. Sorry your Dad died. It's shit.

I'd be looking for a new gf
I think she is being completely OTT

Perhaps sub-conciously I wanted as many people as possible to know and to be sad for my dad

Have you told her this?

From the sounds of it she isn't at all sympathetic to your situation, wanting to tell people because you're grieving and sharing that grief(whoever it is shared with), is not something you 'accuse' people of in the week before the First Xmas spent without a parent.

The only 'reflection' necessary here should be on the loss and remembrance of your dad over Christmas. Any reasonable adult would know that

When my dad died EVERYTHING changed for me.
I couldn't explain all my behaviours and wouldn't appreciate anyone berating me for anything I did that was less than perfect

OP you don't need any of this right now.
Please tell your mum to back off until next year.
The admin side is a pain in the arse as well.
9 months on and we still aren't sorted.
It all takes some time so as long as the initial stuff is done then please just take some time for you and tackle the rest in the new year.
You really don't need a mardy girlfriend around right now so please just take a break from it!

Sorry about the loss of your Father OP.

I too believe you have been wrong to contact these exes, particularly when one ex’s Mum has passed and she didn’t contact you at all, because you weren’t relevant at the painful time for her. Now you have arranged to meet up with one of them, I think you know yourself you’ve caused unnecessary upset in your search for sympathy.

I’m sorry OP but I’m not buying it. You’ve come here for opinions so that’s what you’re getting. You’ve written that you’ve got a tonne of admin and this that the other to sort out. Busy busy busy in amongst grieving BUT you had time and thought to contact exes that you haven’t seen or spoken to in years 😳 what? Really? This is exactly what she’s thinking. She’s thinking what I am right now. I’d be out and I’ve told you why. You are perfectly entitled to be unhappy about it just as she’s entitled to be unhappy with you contacting exes especially under these circumstances. Contacting exes should have been the LAST thing on your mind but it wasn’t and honestly, you went to them for sympathy and attention AND organised a meet up AND had a 45 minute phone call despite all the busy busy busy. You can write what you want OP but if you want to know why she’s upset then re-read what I’ve written until you get it but honestly, there would be no second chances from me after this. Boundaries haven’t only been over stepped you’ve swept them away!!

I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sht and according to her they never got the trust back*

This is the stand out sentence for me in your OP, OP. Your gf has issues of her own around trust - they are not your issues, and you must decide whether you can live with her issues.

For what it's worth, I don't see any problem with you telling a couple of exes that your Dad passed away, or having text conversations, or a 45 minute chat either.

When my grandad died, I contacted my ex to tell him, because he'd done alot for my grandad while we were together, and I thought he would like to know. It didn't mean I wanted to rekindle any kind of friendship or relationship - in fact, I can't bear my ex - but still I thought he would like to know.

I think your gf sounds very needy, and I would suggest that she needs to take a look at her issues - she is bringing past relationships into your relationship.

You and she are not sounding particularly compatible to me.

Your father died and she's being an emotional drain on you. It doesn't matter who is "right". In your time of need the relationship is making your life harder not easier. So it isn't a good relationship for you. Incompatible.

You're right Cawfee he SHOULD spend Xhristmas in the naughty corner EVERYONE know the GFs feelings of jealousy are more important than a parent dying.

She should be thinking HE is having a shit time but nope.

Caught red handed???? He isn't a child and he wasn't 'caught'
he told her because he wrongly thought she was an adult with normal adult reasoning who cared about him.

Boundaries include allowing people privacy to grieve without insisting on making yourself the focal point of a made up slight.

I’m sorry OP but I’m not buying it. You’ve come here for opinions so that’s what you’re getting. You’ve written that you’ve got a tonne of admin and this that the other to sort out. Busy busy busy in amongst grieving BUT you had time and thought to contact exes that you haven’t seen or spoken to in years 😳 what? Really? This is exactly what she’s thinking. She’s thinking what I am right now. I’d be out and I’ve told you why. You are perfectly entitled to be unhappy about it just as she’s entitled to be unhappy with you contacting exes especially under these circumstances. Contacting exes should have been the LAST thing on your mind but it wasn’t and honestly, you went to them for sympathy and attention AND organised a meet up AND had a 45 minute phone call despite all the busy busy busy. You can write what you want OP but if you want to know why she’s upset then re-read what I’ve written until you get it but honestly, there would be no second chances from me after this. Boundaries haven’t only been over stepped you’ve swept them away!!

This with Christmas Bells on

Sorry Cawfee but you have to contact all kinds of people you haven't spoken to in years when a loved one dies.
And their kind words are a real comfort at a truly horrible time.
I had to contact all kinds of people.
It is all slightly easier with Social Media.
I had loads of messages and phone calls and I honestly think you cling on to any positivity you can.
At the time to be honest, everything is a bit of a blur.
But you do what you do and that's that.
There may be no real reason why you contact some of the people but you just think they should know.

Like I said up thread, I'm not sure it is OK, but we do stuff in grief that no-one can possibly understand.
We all grieve very differently. I'm still in denial phase and I'm months down the line.
But what I do know, is that OP does not need any other grief right now.
The GF cannot make all this about HER feelings right now.
Some tact and some sympathy wouldn't go amiss.
And I'll say it again - OP take a break from her!

@helpafellaout I'm sorry you asked for help here. There are so many nasty awful people in this forums.
If you really want help don't write in here. I was reading some of the replies and there are vile.
Maybe concentrate on healing. Run from here won't do you any good.

@Bumblebeee69 she did contact me when her mum passed away. Infact it was the last time we spoke, two years ago. I woul dhave gone to the funeral as well if I wasn't working abroad. I'm sure that was probably a reason I thought to tell her.

@Cawfee I haven't said I am busy busy busy. I assume you still have your parents? Or dont care much for them? I was in a state of shock and spent days not doing very much, bored out my mind bu tno motivation to do anything. I wasn't overly responsive to anybody. Infact I sent Ex1 a message about it she replied and I didnt reply to that for 3 weeks. 3 messgaes I sent her in total on 2 separate days. Fair enough if you wouldn't tolerate this based on your experiences but I would extend my gf a bit more sympathy if the situaion was reversed, and thats based on my experiences.

@hellsbellsmelons thanks a lot of that resonates with my experience.

When my mum died I was in contact with lots of people I hadn't spoken to for years, decades even. Her neighbours, her friends, her old work colleagues, her brother etc. They all knew her directly, had direct relationships with her and they were all wonderfully kind and supportive when I was a shocked and grieving wreck.

It never crossed my mind to take any sort of advantage of their kindness and support to contact my exes, who only had an indirect relationship with her, in the past, and had had no recent contact with her, in the hope of getting more sympathy for myself.

I am sorry for your loss and it is OK to feel needy at this time. But it is not OK to use your grief as an excuse to get emotional support from exes (they can hardly refuse) or use your grief as an excuse to trample over your gfs boundaries in relation to trust (whilst simultaneously making her seem unreasonable even though she has done her best to support you).

That’s a massive assumption OP. Actually I’ve lost both my parents as I’m in my 50s. It’s got nothing to do with how I feel about my parents or how I dealt with bereavement. You’ve come on here to ask advice about your GFs reaction. It’s not going to do you any good for us all to go “there there there, you’re so right, she’s so wrong” is it? You (presumably) want an insight into why she reacted like that and secondly, what you can do about it? Surely? That’s what you said? I’ve said I would feel exactly the same as your GF but if it was me, I would have ended the relationship immediately, with no second chances as it would be stark that we are not compatible. That’s why people have their own boundaries. You broke hers. She doesn’t have to suck it down. You aren’t married, you don’t have kids together, I’d be out. There wouldn’t be anything you could do (if it was me) to persuade me or reverse my decision. The trust would be gone and I’d be looking to move on and find somebody that I was compatible with. I’ve written very clearly as to why you contacting your exes actually seems deceptive and attention seeking. It’s up to you what you choose to do about it. I’d suggest find yourself somebody who wouldn’t mind you doing that and is more secure.