Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

helpafellaout hi there. If I was you I might reconsider whether I wanted to continue this thread. You're grieving and there are a lot of angry people on this thread (not because of you, they have other things going on) who might not have your mental health at heart. You don't need to read and respond to everything, it feels like you might be picking at a scab because you're in pain anyway.

FWIW I hope this thread has shown your behaviour was completely within the bounds of 'normal' although many people might not like it (there's lots of normal behaviour people don't like on this site - just check through threads on loo brushes, table manners, saying 'pardon' etc). You also don't have to justify everything you do at times like these, especially not to a bunch of strangers on the internet. But it can be weirdly addictive, when you're vulnerable, to seek validation. I don't think you're going to get what you need on here, maybe talk to some people in real life. I think the 'circles of support' approach is helpful - lean on someone who is less affected than you, so maybe not siblings, grandparents etc. But good friends. Have a good cry on them if you need to. I would also distance myself from anyone who is creating drama right now. You don't need it and in the future you might feel sad that you didn't grieve properly because you were obsessing over this (IMO small comparatively) issue. You might not feel up to considering your relationship right now, that would be really stressful, but you can just back off from it all and let her take the time she needs too. She may come back to you, she may not. Sometimes people let you down when you need them most. But that will be about her issues/boundaries etc, not about you. Take care.

Sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a parent.

A few of my exes came to my dad's funeral. One of them (and his wife) are now family friends. The rest I wouldn't meet but was glad they came to the funeral. They were good friends of mine at one point and liked my parents.

If a boyfriend gave me a hard time for contacting an ex in this situation I would regard it as a very big red flag for jealous and controlling behaviour (and unneccessary drama) and it would be a reason for rethinking the relationship. It also wouldn't sit right with me that a boyfriend was making my dad's death all about him and his emotions.

Obviously - as you can see from this thread - there are plenty of women out there who think it perfectly ok to throw a fit about this - and there surely must be men out there who agree with them so would suit them fine - but there are also many who regard it as normal adult behaviour to remain friendly with people who meant something in your life.

@huskylover1

Yes, but these are the people that needed to know. Why does an Ex from 4 years ago, or 2 years ago, need to know? Why would you talk about meeting up?

There's differing opinion on this but my reasoning is they knew and loved my Dad and I wante dthem to know. One of them contacted me when her mum died as stated, I don't think it's that strange.

But you're quite steadfast in your opinion that she's wrong.

Where have I said she is wrong? The only thing |'ve questioned is whether under these specific circumstances, is her response proportional to the crime. I know I can't help how she feels and I'll take it further by saying I don't own her feelings either. Feelings are automatic, but we can control our actions thereafter.

I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences with partners starying but I'm an honest believer that no matter how much knowhow and control you have of your partners movements, if they're going to cheat they will. I make mistakes, but for the most part I try to be the best partner I can be and I just have to put faith in that and my judgement in the partner I select that I wont be cheated on. In fairness I have my own boundaries that if crossed they would be gone, but that boundary isn't contacting an ex about a parent passing.

I think her reaction was maybe OTT but I really can't find a reason in my head as to why you would even think of them on this occasion.

I have an ex from 6 years ago, who I would probably contact if my dad passed away. But that's because they played a sport together (drunk together) so he still sees/socialises with him. Other than that, no I just don't think I would, especially if we didn't speak any more.

I would expect my DH to contact his ex wife in the same circumstance, but only as they have a child together, otherwise I would definitely wonder why.

but I really can't find a reason in my head as to why you would even think of them on this occasion.

But you just did find a reason. You said you would contact your ex who played a sport with your dad. There - you have a reason in your head. Maybe the OP has similar reasons - his exes really liked his mum/dad etc. Maybe they are from a culture where people like to go to funerals to pay respect. People are different. Some forget their exes and never think of them again. Some think of them in a friendly way and wouldn't have the vapours at the idea of a cup of coffee and a chat with them. What is most important is that you don't have someone with very rigid boundaries about exes going out with someone who is more relaxed - result drama/emotion etc.

What would really strike me in this situation - whether the girlfriend liked him contacting his exes or not - is that she made a his father's death and a time of grief for her boyfriend about her and her emotions. big red flag for me.

Zachary, but we're not talking about a woman being gaslighted into thinking she's crazy. We're talking about a woman who is behaving irrationally - hugely overreacting imo - and issuing her grieving bf with ultimatums in the process.

Gendered, ableist insults? Don't make me laugh.

I contacted both of my Ex's when my DSis died.
Why wouldn't I?
Some of you are weird!
I knew they'd try to attend her funeral and would be upset for me.

How long have you been with your current girlfriend? Don't you think it boils down to communication issues. Whether it's right or wrong some people do have issues with people's pasts and we are all vulnerable and have our own insecurities. It's time to talk it through and for you to reassure her and I think you'll find she will relax too and give you the support you need. She's voiced her opinion and hopefully it's teething problems and nothing more than that.

There's differing opinion on this but my reasoning is they knew and loved my Dad

If I was your girlfriend I would be incredibly annoyed if you tried to justify this by claiming the ex needed to know because she actually loved your dad. Because you've already said they never saw each other and didn't keep in touch at all. It's unlikely this ex actually loved him and it sounds quite strange.

I have not ever loved a boy friends dad. Been ok with, got on with, been fond of, yes. But loved? No.

I love my ex in-laws, and miss them terribly. My ex wouldn't mind me being in touch with them (he and I are friends) but I'm aware that they themselves would feel.unconfortable. So I'm not. But I'll be at their funerals if at all possible. For them, for me, and for my friend

@pallisers
They still socialise around this sport how though, therefore see each other on a weekly basis.
These ex's haven't seen OPs dad since they split with him- so there's no relationship there.

These ex's haven't seen OPs dad since they split with him- so there's no relationship there.

But where I come from, you would go to the funeral in this situation or at least want to know so you could send a card. Neither you nor I can be the judge of whether someone would want to know or not. It is the OP's life and these are his relationships. It is perfectly ok to want to tell people with whom you shared a relationship for a couple of years (or months) that your dad is dead. Presuming this means something sexual and untrustworthy is really immature imo if not downright weird.

If I was your girlfriend I would be incredibly annoyed if you tried to justify this by claiming the ex needed to know because she actually loved your dad.

And if I were your boyfriend I would wonder how you could actually think your annoyance at this is in any way appropriate when I am dealing with my dad's death.

You have mentioned her sisters boyfriend has just been caught cheating on her is it possible she's now feeling a bit insecure?

Gloomy

"Zachary, but we're not talking about a woman being gaslighted into thinking she's crazy. We're talking about a woman who is behaving irrationally - hugely overreacting imo - and issuing her grieving bf with ultimatums in the process."

In your opinion. But for a large number of posters here, me included, her reaction is perfectly understandable even without knowing she has a history of being cheated on. She hasn't issued him with an ultimatum as far as I can see and he accepts that he was in the wrong. She has asked him to reflect on what happened and told him she needs to see whether she can move on from it as she obviously has difficulty trusting and has different boundaries to the OP. Entirely fair.

"Gendered, ableist insults? Don't make me laugh." Nah, it's not remotely funny and you've massively shown your arse here. At least own it.

pallisers

"Presuming this means something sexual and untrustworthy is really immature imo if not downright weird."

It really isn't though. I supported my ex and his family through his cousin having been murdered and all the subsequent press coverage that garnered, including the trial of the suspects. Arguably one of the worst things a person could go through. I loved his mum and the feeling was mutual. But I haven't spoken to him in about 2 & 1/2 years and if he called out of the blue to tell me (god forbid) his mum had passed away, I would also think it was strange and him attempting to re-establish contact with a view to re-starting things. I would expect that he would have moved on with his life and had other more relevant people in his life (like his girlfriend) who could support him through it.

Quite honestly, isn't this the basis of a good relationship- that you communicate and you're honest with each other and compromise when you inevitably have different views and don't see eye to eye. Without that, there really isn't much point imho.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. As an individual you make the call who you want to tell in this situation and there's no hard and fast rule that you can't tell people about it who were once parts of your Dad's life just because you used to fuck them.

"you've massively shown your arse here"

Honestly, absolutely no idea what you're banging on about but disinterested in getting into any sort of discussion about it.

Came on to tell op that imo his gf is an oversensitive fruitcake. I don't know anyone who would put up with that 'think about what you have done' shit at the best of times, never mind just a few weeks after losing a parent.

He told her about it. He's explained his motives here, and to his gf, and they appear completely innocent. He rejected the offer of a meet up. He apologised and said that he wouldn't contact them again. In a time of bereavement I'm staggered that anyone thinks she has any right whatsoever to keep on making demands.

If she'd said 'I don't like it and I'd rather you didn't do that again' I'd get it. But she didn't did she? Barmy behaviour, male or female.

Oh wait is fruitcake ableist? Give me a good word for someone who behaves in an irrational, oversensitive manner, issues ultimatums at inappropriate times and thinks it's ok to tell someone who they're allowed to share a bereavement with and ill use it.

Gloomy

Here you go, educate yourself:

amp.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2012/mar/08/mind-your-language-feminisation-madness

HTH

In your opinion. But for a large number of posters here, me included, her reaction is perfectly understandable even without knowing she has a history of being cheated on. She hasn't issued him with an ultimatum as far as I can see and he accepts that he was in the wrong. She has asked him to reflect on what happened and told him she needs to see whether she can move on from it as she obviously has difficulty trusting and has different boundaries to the OP. Entirely fair.

Maybe entirely fair but I'd be running so far from her so fast. I don't think I could sustain an adult relationship with someone who felt it was ok to ask me to reflect upon what I did wrong like I was a naughty child (especially since he did nothing wrong). And especially if the only think they took from my significant bereavement was to make me reflect on my shortcomings - not toward my dad but toward them. If a man behaved as this woman did, most people would be calling him controlling and self-centered.

My blanket advice to all men genuinely looking for advice on MN is to post as if you were female and the other party was male. Much more likely to get dispassionate advice.

Sadly doesn't help.

I didn't use any of the words they object to, and the article is primarily about how women are under-represented in positions of power because they are seen as hysterical and irrational by society.

I don't see women that way. I see this woman that way. If she was a man I'd use similar language. Still happy to use an alternative if you'd like to provide one.

I'm worried we're derailing the thread now but feel free to tell me off about my language choices some more if you want.

Was to Zachary

Wow. This is a drama queen. Do you want to spend the rest of your days explaining your every move? keeping civil contact with exes is a sign of a well balanced person; you're not in high school, speaking to a girl does not mean you 'fancy' them. Issuing manipulative ultimatums a week after the loss of a partner's parent shows an extraordinary degree of self-absorption. Sorry for your loss, hope your Christmas is peaceful. Look after yourself.

Pallisers

OP admitted what he did was wrong and there is nothing to suggest that before he revealed he had been contacting his exes, his "beautiful, amazing" (his words) was anything other than totally supportive of him in his grief.

I've actually done this and posted under different users names as a "man" and a woman. I can tell you I got a hugely more sympathic response when MN thought I was a bloke.

"Beautiful, amazing girlfriend" obvs.