Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

She is completely overreacting.

There is nothing wrong with being friends or keeping in touch with an ex. They were a big (and intimate) part of your life at one stage.
It probably looks strange to her to get in touch after so long, but you explained and that should be enough.
Why should you have to justify who you see or talk to? Controlling or manipulate behaviour is never OK.

It's only been weeks since your dad died, her behaviour is totally out of order.

" ‘I think X and X should know my father passed away- I should message them’ not just done it behind her back."

When someone dies there are lots of things to do and messages to be sent. Since op doesn't live with his gf, I expect a lot of that went on on days that he didn't see her. I doubt he ran anything else past her before doing it. I don't think it constitutes 'behind her back' as that suggests intention. He told her about it openly during an appropriate conversation, although probably wishes he'd kept it to himself now!

It really is crazy behaviour. He contact two old exes, because they knew his dad, without any intention of meeting up, without any agenda, knowing they have new bfs. If the sexes were reversed I think more pp would be saying LTB. Narcissistic and manipulative behaviour imo.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on

That sounds incredibly controlling to me. Shes completely over reacting & this request is ridiculous. Id be reassessing my relationship if a partner said that to me

It wouldn't bother me at all if my partner did this, being able to be civil with exes is generally a positive thing.

She sounds rather immature to me.

I'd call her bluff and say she can contact me when she's finished her tantrum.

My husband has an ex that I would expect him to tell if either his Mum or Dad passed. They were together a long time. Very unlikely she would want to go to the funeral because they didn't/don't get along, but it wouldn't worry me if she did.

Your gf sounds very insecure. Probably because of past relationships, but if your relationship is going to last she'll have to learn to trust.

When both my parent died within 3 years of each other I never contacted my ex who I was with and engaged for 4 years.

To be honest it wasn’t something I felt I needed to do and also I was dating my now dh at the time and it would of felt it was disrespectful to him to resume contact even though it would of been to only say both my parents had died, what good would come from me telling him that information.

I think that your gf possibly thinks that in your time of need you should be seeking comfort from her and not your ex’s, and must admit the 45 minute phone call doesn’t look great and can understand why she’s upset, but I would be ok if contact wasn’t going to be a regular occurrence not thrilled but ok this once.

To me this is about your gfs insecurity, not about what you did.
She might have good reasons to be insecure, but it’s still her stuff to work on.
I am assuming here that you love her and are capable of being faithful. BUT If even a molecule of you is ambivalent then she will pick up on it, and you need to own up to those feelings.

She doesn't trust you that's for sure, and if you haven't given her any cause for mistrust the issue is hers. I wouldn't be happy if my other half behaved the way she is.

It doesn't matter if WE'RE upset, the fact is that SHE'S upset and you don't seem that bothered about her feelings.

For those saying I am being dismissive of her feelings, I don't think I am. I've acknowledged I have mistakenly overlooked her in the situation and I've apologised, and not in a blasé way, a genuine apology. I understand that she wants to be the person that I go to but I have spoken to so many people in the last few weeks. There was no agenda behind contacting them and I do not contact or see them regularly. And I haven't really given her any reason not to trust me.

There's a time and a place and I just can't see how now is appropriate?

I would probably feel a bit like your GF tbh. I have a small circle of trusted friends and family and wouldn’t see any need to go outside of that circle for comfort or to share private feelings with anyone else.

But it doesn’t really matter what any of us would feel or do.

All that matters is either you want to be with your GF or you don’t. If you want to be with her, you have to accept that she comes with some insecurities thanks to her ex and you have to be mindful of that in your own interactions with her. That’s not to say you don’t talk to or meet with these exes, but you have to be open and up front about it, include her if appropriate, make sure you understand that it might be uncomfortable and ask yourself if that discomfort is worth it for a coffee with an old flame etc.

Forgetting her past and any anxieties she may have about what this all means for her future, in this moment here and now, do you want to make her happy or sad? Do you want to spend time having coffee and chatting with her or your ex? Do you want to receive comfort and support from your GF or your ex? Because that’s all there is right now.

Make up, tell her you love her and that you don’t want to spend time with other women for any reason as she is your world.

Once she feels secure she will happily let you go and spend time with others, but telling her she has it all wrong won’t convince her of anything except that you don’t really care about her. Put yourself in her shoes, not how you think she SHOULD feel, but how she’s telling you she DOES feel. And think about what you’d need to hear to let this go.

It doesn’t mean you will always be under her control, you know she has very good reason for feeling as she does and it’s important that you acknowledge that, not by saying “I’m not like him” but by saying “I understand why you might worry that I’m like him”.

And if this is how you’ve put it to her no wonder she isn’t ok with it, it sounds very minimising and dismissive:

I’ve acknowledged I have mistakenly overlooked her

You’ve been insensitive and haven’t considered things from her POV. Which yes, in your situation I can see why you’re very focussed on yourself but if she’s been supportive of you and has been focusing on you and giving you her love throughout this hard time in your life, she will want you to be a bit more grateful of her efforts!

I personally don’t think you have done anything wrong. You didn’t contact them out of the blue for no reason. They would have Had different memories of your father to reminisce on which are comforting and in a time of grief it’s what you need.

Can I ask though, is your girlfriend on amicable terms with any of her exes?

I'd call her bluff and say she can contact me when she's finished her tantrum. Wow such empathy PyschadelicSheep - Just what every insecure person needs to hear when they are looking for some reassurance.

She's being unreasonable and sorry for your loss

I think it is very natural for old contacts, friends, relationships to be touched on again at the time that there is a major family bereavement. I was surprised at how many old friendships were actually revived and refreshed when my parents died. So, other than clarity of communication about being in touch with your exes, I don't think you did anything wrong, unusual or worrisome. You are entitled to handle your bereavement by reaching out to people who make sense to you at this time.

I understand that your gf is feeling incredibly insecure and I agree that her feelings are her feelings and not to be belittled or put aside. If your GF hasn't had a major family issue like this yet then she may not have first hand experience and reviving contacts can seem threatening.

But overall, although I agree with pp who say that it's important to see her pov as much as possible, I don't agree that it's ok to accept everything on her terms. You can be expected to be sensitive to her history, but you shouldn't be expected to expunge your own history.

You say this all happened last night though? Maybe this is just the first shock of finding out and the secondary wave of understanding the full circumstances hasn't quite seeped in yet. I don't know if talking to her about the range of thoughts and emotions that bereavement has stirred in you might help her to understand that even if you see her as your future, there are some parts of the past that are occasionally relevant and meaningful to you and are not a threat to her.

If your GF can't or won't listen, then you are not just dealing with her insecurities but a lack of ability on her side to see when she is sabotaging her own relationships.

I don't think this is a black and white situation - your GF may draw breath and you both work together to have better communication - or she may feel your "transgression" is too much for her to handle. And if it is, then it's probably not a good relationship for you both.

Are you for real?
Years ago I would play the cool wife. Not now I've wised up.
But why would you ever want to contact ex's?
And the fact that they both replied and one talked about a meet up.
They both think you're after rekindling things.
And it'even with the best will in the world it can happen so easily.
Especially if you're feeling venerable and you're having troubles in your own relationship.
Ring your beautiful gf tell her you weren't thinking straight.
You will never contact an ex again.
How would you like it if she was having a conversation with an ex right now for 45 minutes about what a duck you're being??
And ex offers to meet for coffee to cheer her up .......

Don’t be ridiculous. You can stay friends with exes. Why should op have to sever friendships because his gf doesn’t like it? It’s her problem not his.

One of my exes was having a really shit time with his mental health, he’d lost his mum and was feeing shit.
He came to stay for a while with me and dh, and is now one of dhs closest friends as well as mine.

Raging - I don't believe it's always the best strategy to pander to others insecurities, that way lies unhealthy and controlling dynamics.

That's how I use to feel.
Until 2 ex's made a play for dh a few years back.
Now don't get me wrong if ex dh (dd's Dad) turned up homeless and had absolutely no where else to stay but a park bench me and dh would put put him up for a few nights.
But when my own father died not long back telling ex's did not even occur to me.
No body ever means for this to happen- but Exs are dangerous territory and I only learnt this as I got older.
Female friends completely different.
Just my POV.

I think had you only called your exs then she would have a point but when someone close dies are you are helping to arrange things,and most funerals happen within a week or two,there are so many people to call,relatives that you haven't seen for years so for 2 friends who knew your dad well and you then totally reasonable.Giventhat this was among so many calls,that after the initial arrangements are made grief sets in.How would you remember to say exactly who you called.
I think you need a girlfriend who accepts that you are human and that we all can forget a call or conversation that in the grand scheme of things means little.Also a girlfriend who turns it all to her when you are grieving and will probably not be able to accept that this can be a long process.
If she thinks your actions are unreasonable she should dump you.
If she feels she can't trust you she should dump you.
If she needs you to grovel and reflect on your actions for any real or perceived wrong on your part where a heartfelt apology won't do then maybe you should reflect on whether this is a relationship you really want long term.

I think the posters saying the OP has done nothing wrong are missing the point slightly. He may not have actually done anything wrong but the point is that OP's girlfriend doesn't know that! It does look suspicious tbh.

Totally agree with Robbin2323

I am sorry about your dad.
To answer your question, sorry but I agree with your girlfriend. You are rekindling old emotional connections. If your ex's where in your dad's life recently that's another story - but if they only saw him when they were with you - I'm missing something and I also think you need to consider why you called them.