Is her reaction proportional?

[helpafellaout]

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

"Not sure ladies on here would be so sympathetic if they were the gf."

His dad died. He told a bunch of people, including two exes who knew him (and who had similarly notified op of their own family bereavements). In one case it led to a telephone catch-up. A meet up was mooted but rejected. A few days later he told his gf in passing, unaware that she was about to have the mother of all nutbucket reactions.

OP has done nothing wrong. He's explained why he contacted them. He's told us -and presumably his gf - that he broke up with them, has no romantic interest in them, won't meet up with them, that he loves his gf. He's apologised, explained and justified. What more does she want? Deeply insensitive to still be banging on about it. Her problem, not his. I'd have dumped her by now, who wants a lifetime of that crap.

When my boyfriend's mum died, an ex of his, who nearly punched me to the floor once, messages him to say sorry.
It hurt, but I said that's very nice of her, and left it at that.
Had I found out the conversation was more than that, or she has called and it was 45 minutes long. I would not be happy.
I suppose I can admit I'm slightly insecure in these situations but I still find it upsetting.

I think you are slightly being unreasonable taking it as far as you did. But also hope your girlfriend was compassionate and not just angry.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Did your exes arrive in due time to attend your Fathers funeral, supporting you, with knowing him so well, as you have already explained ?

Me and my dh lost our dear dads within 3 months of each other.
At no point did either us think of telling our 'ex's'.
It was indeed a very difficult time.
We had each other and the people who were involved in their life's.
Anything else just did not compute.

You're lucky your gf didn't dump you on the spot. I would have.

Unless these exes are people you have regularly kept in contact/remained friends with since the breakup - then there was absolutely no reason for you to seek comfort from them un this situation, after all these years.

Seems like at the least you wanted an ego boost/attention seeking from other women...and at the worst exhibiting interest in them. I'd not trust you again.

And I haven't really given her any reason not to trust me.
That's exactly what my bf would have said. He contacted a friend who he'd flirted with in the past (not even an ex) and ended up shagging her. So once you've been messed around, you unfortunately see the potential for it all too easily.

Shocked by some of the horrible responses on here.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, you are mourning, in pain and reached out to a couple of people from the past. You told your girlfriend about it. Feeling jealous and threatened by exes is normal, understandable and hard, but these are very specific circumstances, and your gf should be being the bigger person and supporting you right now.

Lots of good advice too though, Hawthorn was very thoughtful, fair and balanced.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you are getting support from friends and family

"At no point did either us think of telling our exes."

"Unless these exes are people you have regularly kept in contact/remained friends with since the breakup - then there was absolutely no reason for you to seek comfort from them in this situation."

Good job we're not all the same eh?

He wanted to let them know. He wanted to talk to as many people as possible who knew his dad, who had memories of his dad.

The way I see it, if he was a scumbag looking to shag an ex he (1) wouldn't have told his gf, (2) would have agreed to the suggested meet up, (3) wouldn't be on here trying to explain why he did it.

I'm quite surprised by this.
That some people would be cool about their dp contacting
Not one but two exs.

I guess they have never experienced the havoc an ex can cause.

I’m on good terms with my exes (there’s only been 3) still friendly, text every so often for a catch up. I would most definitely let them know of the passing of a family member. I didn’t realise this was a faux pas? Op has stated these were both long term relationships, so these exes knew his father and most likely had a friendship with him. Why shouldn’t he speak to them and reminisce?

That said I can understand where the gf is coming from, but these are her trust issues to sort out, not the ops, and she shouldn’t be dictating who he can and can’t speak to about his grief.

My ex messaged me a few years ago to tell me his father had passed away the night before. I knew his dad and was very sorry to hear it. I got in touch to find out about funeral arrangements. When I got there I sat with his friends who I hadn't seen for years. His other ex who he dated before me re-introduced herself to me as we had only met once before. We all went to the pub after where his current girlfriend (now mother of his children) introduced herself.

I left after a while, went home where my family all asked after my ex and expressed their condolences.

At no point did I think he was trying to start something off with me.

The replies here are ridiculous.

I am so sorry about your dad. I think your girlfriend is being awful.

Supporting a person with a sick parent or who is bereaved is not fun. They are stressed, upset and it changes the dynamics a lot.It's not unusual for some people to end a relationship at this time because they cannot cope with it.

Your girlfriend didn't end it and supported you. It's probably been very difficult for her. You've then sought out the support of two exes which is a kick in the teeth for her. I'm not sure how you don't understand that. I also don't think you'd be too happy if this was the other way round.

Some people are just uncomfortable with their partners being in contact with exes. It's something i'm personally not OK with, i don't want someone hes had that kind of intimate emotional or physical relationship with still involved as to me i just don't personally feel you can go backwards from that kind of intimacy, i'd feel threatened by it and worry feelings could resurface under the right circumstances. I believe in clean breaks and no contact with exes, and i am upfront about this before i ever date anyone. If they still have exes around they aren't the one for me.

I lost my mum when i was 20, i didn't feel any need/desire to contact anyone from my past to inform them, as they weren't current in my life. The same way i wouldn't expect or want to be contacted by either of my exes if one of their parents died, the chapter of my life with that person in it is closed.

In your girlfriends shoes i'd feel betrayed, almost like you'd cheated as you've intentionaly instigated contact with someone you've been emotionally and/or physically intimate with, done the whole catching up, arranging to meet, 45 minute phone calls, just no, to me that would not be okay. I'd be devastated that my support wasnt good enough for you when i'm the person in your life you're supposed to lean on in the hard times, exes are exes for a reason, especially if you hadn' stayed friends or in contact. i'd feel like you were pushing me aside to seek comfort from them, and be worried about what old feelings the contact might spark up again. It would massively dent my trust in you, and cause a lot of hurt.

It's a no from me, sorry OP. And i lost both parents before i was 30. My mum dying left me an emotional wreck for years, we were very close.

A boundary is a boundary regardless of circumstances. You don't get to use your grief to break a boundary and do something in your relationship which you wouldn't normally do. Or if you feel compelled to do so still, you accept the fallout.

I do realise you are grieving, I've been there. :( And your GF has been very supportive, you said so yourself. Exes are still a code red for many people and you have to respect it even if you see it differently yourself.

You have been given a good advice of acknowledging your GF's feelings as they are, without trying to further justify yourself. That's all she wants.

I am really sorry for your loss.

I've had several bereavements and haven't ever contacted an ex. Exes haven't contacted me either if they've had a bereavement. And I'm glad, because it wouldn't be appropriate. Maybe that's why your ex took so long to respond. And you sent 3 messages! If I was the ex I'd be pretty pissed off at that.

If contacting your exes isn't generally something that's ok in your relationship, it doesn't become ok because you've had a bereavement.Im wondering if you went to the trouble of sending several messages to old male friends.

she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on

My mum died last year. In the weeks after she died I was an utter trainwreck. I still am in a lot of ways. My DH was brilliant. There were times when I said and did things in my grief that hurt him - but he understood that it was grief and not malice and accepted my apologies with good grace and love - and his support and reactions at the worst time of my life strengthened our relationship.

If he had said the above to me when I was so very broken it would have destroyed our relationship.

You've explained why and you've apologised. You're going through hell at the worst possible time of the year, and because your gf thinks there is more to it than you've said she's decided to force you into saying it was more ("come up with why I needed to tell them" - you've already done that) and until you do she's withdrawn her support from you.

If my DH had done that when I was drowning in grief he'd have been gone.

Having done the ring/message around I know what it's like. I also know that I didn't tell DH who I'd spoken to each time - I wasn't hiding anything, it just wasn't something I thought of. We've been married 14 years and he'd never met some of them.

I can see your GF's perspective, but I also understand yours, and if you have said and done the things you stated then, sorry, but I think her demand for you to come up with an alternate reason to the truth you've given, and has withdrawn her support until you do as you are told, at this dreadful time, is fucking disgusting and hugely selfish.

I couldn't be with someone who would do that at such a time.

It sounds as though your GF is insecure and possessive. I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My own father is in hospice and I've discovered that grief is a strange and disturbing process, to say the least! I don't think there's anything wrong in reconnecting with people you were once very close to, no matter what your relationship was/is. Your GF doesn't own you; what makes her think she has exclusive rights to your time, feelings and attention?

OP I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry your gf is making it all about her.

Clearly you didn't seek anything more from your exes than you did from all the other people you contacted, otherwise you wouldn't have waited 3 weeks to reply to one.
I'm also sorry for the lack of support from your gf. She may feel she has given you all the support you need but firstly as a pp said, one person can't do that. Secondly only a month in she has flounced. That doesn't sound very supportive to me.

The only apology outstanding is from your gf for not being there for you right now I'm your grief. If I were you that would be the end of the relationship. It doesn't bode well for future hard times.

"I'd be devastated that my support wasnt good enough for you when i'm the person in your life you're supposed to lean on in the hard times."

Devastated that in grief a person reached out to as many people as possible who knew his dad?

To me, that sounds so sinister and controlling. Nobody should get to tell someone how to handle their grief, or who they're allowed to talk to about it.

The 'you only need me, no one else' mantra is often trotted out by abusive men trying to isolate women.

Firstly, sorry about your Dad. I'm afraid that the rest of my post may seem harsh.

I actually think that you've been a right douche here. And you seem to be using the fact that you are grieving, as a hall pass to behave inappropriately. I mean, how could she be angry, when you are grieving? Right?

Your GF has had to ensure heartache with an Ex Partner who cheated on her. She has managed to piece her heart back together, and hand it to you on a plate, knowing that she could be very hurt again. And you've basically stomped all over it.

If your Ex's knew your Dad well enough, they would already know that he had died. And if they didn't know him well enough, then they have no reason to be told. There was absolutely no reason for you to contact them.

You have reached out to 2 Ex lovers. You've had a 45 minute cosy catch up with one, and arranged to meet another. And then you've justified it because you are grieving. It's spectacularly shit behaviour and I would walk away if I was your GF.

The thing is, unless you have been cheated on, you can't begin to imagine how hard it is to trust again : I still have issues some 10 years later, even though I am happily married to someone else. It never leaves you.

You had no reason to contact Ex lovers and cosy up for chats and arrange meets. Using grief as an excuse, is poor. You will have more grief in your life. Will you be contacting your Ex lovers every time? And forgetting to mention it yo your GF/wife?

Now your GF will just think that you are "like all the rest". And it's clear from your posts that you frankly don't care that you've hurt her. It would make me question absolutely everything about you and your motives.

It would be the end for me, sorry. I would 100% walk away.

@huskylover1 why are all the people in the 'I would walk away' camp omitting key details and fabricating things?! I haven't asked for, or expected a 'hall pass', I've taken what she has said onboard and I've apologised numerous times!

And she can be angry, she can bring that up to me, but I think she could also cut me some slack, I've said I am not only grieving but I've got other family stuff going on as I've mentioned and as well as needing support, I've got a sister and a grandad I need to support when they're not at their strongest.

It also wasn't a 'cosy catch up'. She called me after my initial message, I wasn't expecting the call tbh, but I answered it anyway. This girl and I were friends before we started dating, there's no bad blood between us, she loved my dad and even my grandad.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, I know it;s not a nice experience as I have actually been cheated as well, physical cheating. It was a long time ago, I broke things off with her, I've dealt with it and I don't take into other relationships with me as it's not fair to my current partner. My mum also had an affair so I don't need any lectures on this! I don't accuse my partner of beign like 'all the rest', if I find out shes chatted to a guy my first reaction isn't 'she must be f*cking him'.

If your Ex's knew your Dad well enough, they would already know that he had died

How about my mum (who is seperated from him), his siblings, his friends, my friends, extended family? How do you think they all found out? No logic in that statement whatsoever!

How about my mum (who is seperated from him), his siblings, his friends, my friends, extended family? How do you think they all found out?

Yes, but these are the people that needed to know. Why does an Ex from 4 years ago, or 2 years ago, need to know? Why would you talk about meeting up?

As a previous poster asked : How many male friends, that you haven't seen or talked to in 4 years, did you contact? Any?

I dunno. Your GF isn't happy. You have plenty of people on here saying that they wouldn't be happy. But you're quite steadfast in your opinion that she's wrong. The thing is, you don't get to dictate how she feels. Even if she was being ridiculous, she feels how she feels, and this is due to past bad experiences, and her line in the sand may well be very different from yours (or other people's).

For me, if my DH was talking about meeting with an Ex for coffee, I'd end the marriage. Many people wouldn't bat an eye. Most would find that an extreme reaction. But for me, with my past experiences, this is something that would turn me in to Kiosk Keith.

I have no idea whether your contact was entirely innocent. I actually suspect that it was. But she isn't inside your head. She can't be sure.

In her shoes, I would be fearful that you would turn to these women, every single time there's a bump in the road.

To be fair to you, you are only 30. Most men get to 70 without having worked out the intricacies of how the female mind works.

How many male friends, that you haven't seen or talked to in 4 years, did you contact? Any?
A friend you haven't seen in a while because of a lack of interest on either side is not the same as someone you were in a relationship with. A romantic relationship is closer, and you no longer have (regular) contact because you have officially broken up.

Everyone is different - I'd find this perfectly normal. My bf has a lot of exes :D and several came to his birthday party. They are a lot of fun, we had a nice chat and a laugh. Another of his exes invited us out to an event with her new partner. So it feels totally normal if my bf mentions that he's spoken to his ex. When he had legal problems a particular ex could help him with, they met up. My reasoning is that if someone wants to have an affair, they will. You can't control people.

But that's my reaction to my ex's very hurtful behaviour while he was having his affair, and my attitude. Your girlfriend is not me. She doesn't have to be me. I agree with @hellsbellsmelons that her "deep reflection" comment" is dickish, but her reaction does not have to be "proportional" or "average" or anything. She can react how she wants - you can try to show her how you feel, but if that doesn't change her mind, you can either take it or leave it. If she is not the girl for you, don't blame her for it.

Gloomy

"The 'you only need me, no one else' mantra is often trotted out by abusive men trying to isolate women."

So is the "your jealous and crazy and possessive" line said by numerous cheating men to their wives and gfs when it later turns out their suspicions were extremely well founded.

It doesn't sound like the OPs girlfriend was saying she expected him to rely on her totally for support at all and no one else. But quite rightly didn't expect him to turn to exes he hadn't seen or talked to in years.

Also - what the hell is with all these horrible gendered, ableist insults on this thread - she is a "nutcase", "crazy", a "nutbucket"etc ?! Think you and others posters should look at the long history of women who stand up for themselves and their rights being accused of mental illness (look at the origins of the word "hysteria") in abusive and oppressive attempts to silence them. It's disgusting and I say this as a woman who has experienced rape and abuse and had mental health issues including complex PTSD as a result. Stop it.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. But I agree with everything Husky said and I think it's significant you didn't mention contacting the exes before You did it, when your girlfriend could have expressed her concerns. It's much more difficult to do so after you have initiated contact and set things in motion. It think it was really manipulative. You also, despite being grieving and incredibly busy, have time to post a thread here trying to seek consensus as to whether her reaction was "proportional" or not.

I've also supported an ex through horrendous loss (his cousin was murdered on a beach in Thailand) so I know how difficult it is to be there supporting and helping someone when you don't have a clue how to go about it.

If you love her and want the relationship to continue, I would follow the advice of other posters and acknowledge her feelings and reassure her, whether you think her reaction was proportionate or not.