Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is her reaction proportional?

203 replies

helpafellaout · 17/12/2018 20:12

Hi, I'm (30M) in need of some female perspective on a problem I have with my gf (30F) and thought here might be a good place.

Last night during a conversation it came out that I had recently contacted my most recent two exes (one I broke off 4 years ago the other 2 years ago). The initial purpose was to tell them that my Dad had passed away but there was some additional messaging along the lines of a general catch up. During the messaging with Ex1 there was a mention of meeting up. On the face of it I realise that sounds bad but we were saying how odd it was we hadn;t bumped into one another and her mum had passed away about 2 years ago so as morbid as it sounds it's nice to speak to people who have been through similar. With Ex2 she called me after the first text and the call ended being about 45 mins long.

My gf has taken a huge issue with the fact I even messaged them in the first place, but also the extra messages, talk of meeting up, a phone call and the fact I didn't tell her right away. This started 4 weeks ago and it only came out last night, I wasn't hiding it but I've just had a lot going on - I could have deleted messages, lied about it, I even showed her the messages so she could read them which then escalated into here going through my whole phone. She feels hurt that I went to them for comfort when I had her and she was doing everything she possibly could for me and she wants a reason why I've done it as she thinks there is more to it, and shes losing her cool, in tears telling me this.

Now I'm not trying to say I haven't done anything wrong. I should have told her right away. I've apologised many times and tried to explain why I messaged them, why at the time and under the circumstances I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was speaking with a lot of people, I took a lot of comfort in people messaging to say nice things about my dad and they were no exception. I think I also took some comfort from knowing they were doing ok, I don;t want to be with them but they were a part of my life at one point so I thin it's nice to know they're doing alright.

Now shes ignoring me, she wants me to do some deep self reflection and come up with why I needed to tell them and speak to them so then she can decide if the reason is something she can handle so we can move on. I should add her ex was caught exchanging flirty messages with a girl who lived in the US, I think he lied about it and it caused a lot of sh*t and according to her they never got the trust back. I don't condone that sort of behaviour but I always thought it was a bit harsh. But she keeps referencing this and I can only assume she is implying the trust is gone from our relationship.

I honestly think I would be ok with the reverse of this situation. I think shes taking it to extremes; stonewalling, questioning the trust, throwing all the nice things shes done for me since my dad passed back in my face, and saying she feels deceived, disrespected, worthless etc I'm also getting the feeling she really wants me to grovel and I just don't think it's proportional.

Any thoughts? I really want to move past this but I don't want to have beg her. It's not like I keep in regular contact with these people and thankfully my dad is only going to pass away once.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 19/12/2018 19:39

I agree that a woman posting would have received more positive responses.

For a start, I think she'd be cut a lot more slack for mourning the loss of her dad, given credit for apologising and explaining, have her motives believed.

ZacharyQuacks · 19/12/2018 19:44

Well her bf wouldn't have been called "crazy", a "nutcase", "nutbasket", "irrational" or "oversensitive", nor would he have "flounced" off.

devilsadvocatelovescheese · 19/12/2018 20:06

Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't be happy if I was your gf. I've had a number of deaths and it hasn't remotely crossed my mind to context my ex's to tell them. What were you hoping to gain?

gggrrrargh · 19/12/2018 20:09

I’ve just found out an old school friend has died. Haven’t seen him for 10 years, he moved away and was married.

I’m grateful someone who was still in contact has let me know. I’ve had so many memories flooding back and will attend the funeral to pay my respects. I know it’s different being an ex etc, but to me in the simplest terms it’s letting someone know who once knew and cared about them. There is no way I would think someone was cheating for that reason, it seems a very defined circumstance to me.

sprouts21 · 19/12/2018 20:13

If I was your girlfriend I would be incredibly annoyed if you tried to justify this by claiming the ex needed to know because she actually loved your dad.

And if I were your boyfriend I would wonder how you could actually think your annoyance at this is in any way appropriate when I am dealing with my dad's death.

Good job were not in a relationship then. Because bereaved or not, other people are entitled to have feelings and I wouldn't have time for someone who thought otherwise.

PowerPantsRule · 19/12/2018 20:14

I would not have cared less if you contacted them. You had some sad, important news about someone who had been a big part of their lives when you are together. You have no plans to go back out with them and you showed her the messages. I think she is being way OTT!

If my father had died I would be contacting my exes too - a couple of the important ones. We are still friends and they would like to know. My DH would expect me to do this! Your exes are part of what makes you attractive to your DP, they helped shape who you are!

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 20:17

My DH texts his ex girlfriend on her birthday and at Christmas to wish her happy birthday/Christmas etc. He also let her know when we got married and pregnant - purely out if politeness. They were together 10 years and had an amicable split so although they don't love each other anymore they still care for each other. There's absolutely nothing wrong with be adult and mature about things like this.

GloomyMonday · 19/12/2018 20:21

"What were you hoping to gain?"

OP has already answered that one.

"Well her bf wouldn't have been called "crazy", a "nutcase", "nutbasket", "irrational" or "oversensitive", nor would he have "flounced" off."

Of course he would. They're all gender neutral terms. In fact I just looked up flounce in the online dictionary and the example given is 'he flounced off.' I'd use all of those terms for males or females, I'm sure most people would. If you know people who'd only use them for women, we move in different circles.

pallisers · 19/12/2018 20:30

Well her bf wouldn't have been called "crazy", a "nutcase", "nutbasket", "irrational" or "oversensitive", nor would he have "flounced" off.

I think he'd have been called "controlling" "jealous" and "narc"

I agree there is very gendered language on MN - as there is everywhere.

PsychedelicSheep · 19/12/2018 20:41

'Nutjob' is in no way a gendered insult. I've called many a man a nutjob in my time.

Littletabbyocelot · 19/12/2018 20:48

I think if the genders had been reversed the gf/bf would be considered controlling and abusive. I'm 90% sure a man saying 'my ex girlfriend cheated, and that means you have to tolerate my reactions' is a big red flag. As is not accepting an apology when someone unintentionally causes hurt but instead setting tasks to earn forgiveness.

If a female op said 'grovelling' was an expectation in their relationship you wouldn't be able to move for LTBs.

Op is actually a lot sorrier than I would be - he can see her side and has said sorry - but she is withdrawing all contact until he is sufficiently sorry. Again if op were a woman we would say her dp was training her not to step out of line.

eddielizzard · 19/12/2018 21:02

Well I think she's over reacting at a time when really you could use some support. I can completely see the reason for contacting ex's when a parent dies, if they knew them well. Completely reasonable. A catch up in these circs is normal. Things are raw for you now, you're dealing with your Dad's death, with family who are all hurting and the horrible admin as well. Not a good time at all for her to be kicking off.

Sorry about your Dad Flowers

ZacharyQuacks · 19/12/2018 21:32

littletabby possibly because between 1-2 women a week are murdered by their current or former male partner, yet it's regularly women who are made out to be "unstable". There is another thread on here about a mother worried about her ex trying to take their 5 week old baby and he has already implied that she is suicidal, mentally ill and an unfit mother because she has experienced the very common baby blues and because his actions have made her feel like shit.

I'm also sure that nowhere has the gf said the OP has to tolerate her reaction because her ex bf cheated. OP brought it up to explain why he thought the gf reacted the way she did. Knowing that I think it's even worse that he contacted these exes without telling her.

The grovelling also doesn't seem to be an expectation for anyone but the OP. He has said he was in the wrong and has apologised. But doesn't want to "grovel or beg" suggesting that he doesn't really understand or empathise with the pain this has caused his gf and is sorry for it - but instead considers he has done enough and she should now move on and forget about. He might be right, but as pointed out here numerous times it's about her feelings too - and she is entitled to feel and act the way she has done and to walk away from the relationship.

OP I'm truly sorry your going through this. My last and final thoughts on this are that you both need to give each other the benefit of the doubt, be kind to yourselves and each other and I hope whatever happens you both manage to work it out.

sollyfromsurrey · 19/12/2018 22:20

If someone told me to take some time for deep reflection I'd tell them to fuck right off.

This. Totally agree with this comment. Your GF has some serious baggage and she is the one who needs to reflect. Tarring everyone in her life with the cheating brush just because she went out with one cheater is unhinged. She should seek therapy.

You contacted lots of people not just these two ex's. GF is a nut.

Littletabbyocelot · 19/12/2018 22:42

ZacharyQuacks I reversed the genders because pp were stating what would happen if the genders were reversed and that was my take. The op stated she had previously expected him to grovel and lots of pp have cited her previous experience as a reason to put up with her extreme reaction.

Yes, of course, the fact that domestic violence against women is a serious issue is a factor in how we respond to different genders. But emotionally abusive behaviour is emotionally abusive behaviour and to say its only harmful if its a man to a woman is damaging. It perpetuates the idea that its just weak little women who can't take a joke / handle their emotions. And it is unfair to ignore that there are male victims of abuse. Abuse does not have to be physical violence.

Littletabbyocelot · 19/12/2018 22:43

To clarify, I'm not saying this is abuse, just that we shouldn't tell a male op he should shut up and accept behaviour we would tell a woman to run as fast as she could from

Madlife · 19/12/2018 23:29

I have friends I don't speak with in years and if my dad mom would die will send them a text.there are pl you have a connection but because of lack of time or whatever you don't get to talk much

MyOtherProfile · 20/12/2018 06:45

I agree Madlife. When any of my close family members go I will be letting at least one of my exes know because he was close to them for a while, and we have let each other know when each of our children have been born. I had an amicable split with him and still remember nice things about our relationship but DH knows I much prefer him and doesn't feel insecure because of it.

Notacluethisxmas · 20/12/2018 07:04

Let's not pretend friends are not any different though.

I sleep in a double bed with my female friends. I wouldn't do it with an ex, I am now friends with.

Notacluethisxmas · 20/12/2018 07:05

MyOtherProfile also you dh knows. He didn't tell her for 4 weeks. There wasn't on going contact.

needsahouseboy · 20/12/2018 07:15

If a man treated and spoke to me the way your GF is doing I’d be out of there!

No way would I put up with that type of controlling, emotionally blackmailing behaviour.

Plus anyone telling me to self reflect at such a sad time would be told to Fuck right off!! How selfish and unsupporting of her.

ravenmum · 20/12/2018 07:34

Well, thank goodness I described the gf's comment as "dickish"!

GloomyMonday · 20/12/2018 10:53

"MyOtherProfile also you dh knows. He didn't tell her for 4 weeks."

I don't understand why pp keep trying to make that sound devious. OP has explained why.

Because he notified a number of people and didn't think anything of it, because he was overwhelmed with grieving and organising and liaising with other (sometimes difficult) family members, because he doesn't live with his gf so I guess would have to remember to tell her next time he saw her, because it was entirely innocent and no different to any of the other people he notified.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 14:11

Plus anyone telling me to self reflect at such a sad time would be told to Fuck right off!! How selfish and unsupporting of her

It’s okay, he has all his other exes to support him now though Grin

devilsadvocatelovescheese · 20/12/2018 20:06

@GloomyMonday thank you, thats very helpful

Swipe left for the next trending thread