Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

Hi
Sorry it probably will get worse - but in a different way - remember you are still in shock and the emotions can really come from anywhere!

I remember spending one whole day just swearing and being so angry and then the next just crying and wanting him back no matter what.

Once you take some control you will feel better. Are you going to get some legal advice? because at least you will then know where you stand and it made me feel a lot better and reassured me that i was not this mad bitch of a woman that he made me out to be.

I know it is hard but try and do something just for you today - have a long bath or an afternoon nap. just be a bit selfish.

You are strong - you just feel tired becasue he has put you through so much - read back over the post and see how low you have been. That is very waring - but dont feel guilty about it he did this to you and he knew all along what he was doing.

You will cope because you are strong but you dont have to prove to him. I bet he will try and find someway of seeing you to make sure you are coping - you dont have to put on a brave face for him - he needs to know how much he has hurt you and he wont want to handle the guilt from that eihter. He will be looking for evidence to back up his descion to leave - i say dont give it to him. make sure the house is clean the children happy and well fed and clothed and that you look gorgous.

He may just not be thinking staight at the moment either and may have pressures from her to do something.

Be strong but true to yourself and ask for help if you need it.

Try and catch up later

I just feel so awful.The tablets im taking are making me feel so dopey. I feel so weak, I have barely eaten since friday.Have barely slept. My heart is breaking. I have no strength left inside me. I thought I couldnt feel any worse than I did over the week end. I know I have to wait for the tablets to kick in. I need to focus one day at a time. Its just so hard. I feel so alone.

I just want something to take this pain away.

I feel so awful. My dds are down stairs entertaining them selves, making their own breakfasts! I want to focus on them. I want to spend time with them, play with them but just being with them reminds me of what I have lost, I feel my pain and worry for them too. I dont have the strength to do this.

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katherinez I'm so sorry to read this. I haven't been on since friday afternoon so I had no idea

Your H's actions were so similar to my H that I feared this would happen but I hoped with all my heart I was wrong.

The way he has lied to everyone, including you, is his way of transferring the guilt. Making this all out to be your fault gives him a tiny bit of justification for being a complete arse.

I think you have shown amazing strength and dignity by admitting you are both to blame for the lack of communication and your relationship breaking down. But that is NEVER an excuse for an affair. You have no part to take in the blame for that. He chose to sleep with someone else instead of speaking up about why he was unhappy. He only has himself to blame for that.

I wonder if you do need to have a good talk to him about whether she is really enough for him to leave his children and end his marriage over - I doubt when he comes to his senses that she will be. (But be prepared for him not to be able to see this yet.)
I think this whole flat with her etc is all a fantasy. He is totally caught up in the moment and is not thinking straight.

Now you know what you're really dealing with you have a good chance of getting through this.

I wish I could take the pain away for you. Reading your posts I can feel everything you're going through. It will get better. I promise xx

The thing is I can understand why he did what he did. He obviously thinks it is serious with her but how can it be. He had an affair because he was hurting so much because our relationship was struggling. But I know deep down he is s faithful man. He would not have done it if he wasnt feeling as low as he did. I understand that. But she did it too. Ok she doesnt know me. But she had spoken to me, put my dds to bed and read them their goodnight stories. She is a woman too. I do not know how any woman could do that to another. I do not believe that he could be truly happy with somebody who could do that.

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Thanks Dior. That is very true. Had not really thought about that. I will hold on to the fact that we have the counselling to come.

I had a long talk to H's other woman once I'd found out about the affair.

He had told her lie after lie. We weren't sleeping together. The relationship had been over for years. He was just waiting for the right time to leave. He was staying for ds's sake.
All utter rubbish! (He was literally sleeping with us both daily. Within hours of being with her at lunch he'd come home and sleep with me...)

But women (and men for that matter) believe what they want to believe. She wanted your H. He said the right things. She chose not to question or doubt him and gave herself some comfort in the knowledge that she wasn't doing anything wrong because your relationship was well over anyway!!!

My H's ow told me straight that she tried very hard to never think of me, did not think of me as a 'real' person and did not think of my feelings, and justified it all by thinking if H wanted to be with her then that was his decision to make...

I asked her if she cared for him that much and saw it as a long term relationship, why didn't she wait for him to end his marriage and start up the relationship once there was no strings and without the tag of the 'ow'... obviously she couldn't answer that...

He is unlikely to stay with her Katherine.You are right in thinking the flat thing is all part of thr fantasy.By saying what he has to your DD shows that he thinks he can recreate the 'family' thing with this girl.
He can't.
The girlfriend may think she can handle the baggage that comes with him,but after such a short aquaintance she is unlikely to be able to.
Bear in mind that men very rarely stay with the woman they leave their wives for.
Too many guilt feelings.

I don't think he would ever be truly happy with her. Her morals are questionable to say the least. Honestly, I agree with ST and I really doubt he will end up with her long term.

My H loved the flattery, the excitement, the attention... but as soon as the ow started getting serious he ran a mile! He knew she wasn't the sort of woman he could trust and settle down and build a family with.

But that's just it. The type of woman a man has an affair with isn't necessarily the type they want to live the rest of their lives with. the day will come when he realises what a massive mistake he's made. I just hope it's sooner rather than later xx

Try not to think of the other woman - but i too can not believe that anyone could do that to another woman. The ow in my case did know he was married with children and even told him not to leave me!!

I try not to give her another thought now - but it is hard - she has now lost him because i believe he does not want anyone who wants to break up his family.

He will regret this one day and my h says so too - he came so close to losing it all.

At the moment it is all exciting and new and of course he is loving it - there is no responsibility of home life, children ect. But there soon will be and then he may feel differntly.

He will always be linked to you by the children and that will always be a hard thing for her to handle.

Dont worry about not doing everything you are doing fine and you will get through this and be stronger because of it. There are so many who have been where you are now and live to have a better life.

Thankyou all for your posts.

katherine, hi, really sorry he's throwing himself into living with ow - but I agree with the others - it probably won't last - and he might have told her anything. I once accidentally went out with a man who - I'm pretty sure now - was married with young kids. I kept seeing him around locally with a woman who looked nothing like him, pushing a pram. I once walked straight past them when I was in the park with a friend, and he caught my eye and shook his head slightly in a 'don't speak' gesture - and then had the cheek to phone me later to ask who was that man I was with!!! He claimed she was his sister ... Instinct told me otherwise and I ended it, but 20 years later I saw him in the local shops, and we chatted briefly, and he STILL refused to acknowledge that he was or is married. So you see, men (and women) can say anything.

Anyway, he's probably full of the joys of Spring with this new relationship, of course it's 'The One' for now. For your own sanity, try to assume that he's not coming back - concentrate on yourself and your dds, get some legal advice, think about how you'll support yourself, keep busy and call in your friends network to support you - as MN will. If he's still up for Relate, use that as a chance to thresh out the issues that have led to his unhappiness -and keep your dignity and charm at all costs - try not to seem needy or desperate - just let him see what a great wife and family he's losing.

Incidentally, telling dd that she can be as naughty as she likes. How low and cheap!

And remember, his love nest with new girl will soon pall when they start dealing with the washing up and dirty socks .

I dont know that she moving in there tanae. Just that he went see the flat with her. Got lots of prctical things to sort out today so hopefully that will make me feel a bit better. Do feel better today. Had a long talk to a friend of mine. Havent spoken to her in ages because I knew dh had confided in her. I was so scared. I thought she might think like the woman at his work. I thought she might think I had been really horrible to dh. I didnt know what he had said to her. Stupid really, she knows me and I should have spoken to her sooner. She said he had told her that he did fancy someone at work but he reassured her that he wasnt going to take it further and she believed him. She thought we were working things through so was leaving us to it. Thats what he told her. He did tell her that he said he does love me. Shouldnt go on things other people say I know but i have been so hurt believing that he hasnt loved me for a year and a half it is positive to here that he said that.

I know, maybe I shouldnt get my hopes up. He has left to be with her FGS. But I know what its all about now. I am not going to beg him to come back. I know that I cant force him. I am going to try to move on in the meanwhile. Anything could happen and I should try not to speculate and live one day at a time.

But at the same time I really do love him so much and I do think our marriage is worth so much more than a quick fling, or what ever it is. I know, I know, We cant speculate about their relationship either but I truly believe one day we will get through this and be a family once again.

My friend also told me that he felt like I didnt love him. I think he really thought that. I can understand why he thought that. I had been finding it hard to cope with myself and all the other pressures of family life. I was struggling with work and the children, feeling down about myself, so was putting every ounce of energy I had in to looking after myself and my dds. I was consiously trying to do that because I knew I would fall apart if I didnt, and obviously I had to think about the children. So it was with him where I have fallen short. Not because I dont love him. I just didnt have the resources to show him.

Hi Katherine - Glad you feel a bit better, and hope the sun is shining where you are - it is here.

Try and keep busy but dont make any big decisions just yet, there is no rush. Make sure you have enough money but dont do anything stupid like closing the accounts - which is what one solicitor told me to do. The best advice i was given regarding money was to not try and ecconomize just carry on as normal as that way if it becomes a fight with money you can show how much you need to support yourself and the children. A sneaky tip someone told me was to always get cash out when shopping as cash back and then put that away in case you need it.

Try and treat yourself - haircut new outfit something to make you feel special - even though i know you wont feel great inside at least you can look good on the outside.

I tried to make a least one stranger smile every day when i was at my lowest - it made me feel that i had a purpose and was actually worthwile as a person after all.

Your mind will be a whirr at the moment and you will want to switch it off but unfortunatly you cant. But look back and see just what you have already done - bet you didnt think you would get throuhg the weekend! but you did and now it is Tuesday already.

Dont be too hard on yourself and ask for help - people will understand and anyone that thinks that what he has done to you is ok is not worth knowing anyway - even if he did go around telling people how awful you were there is no excuse for what he has put you throuhg - he has been a coward and she has had the power to manipulate him to get what she wants.

Anyway hope some of this helps - be kind to yourself today and focus on you.

Katherine - you sound just like me - i too put all my energy into the family mainly children and did lose sight of him.

I have been lucky in that i have the chance to start again with him and he is back. we both now have more time for each other but equally he now sees how hard it was for me to do all the family stuff (he took some time off work and for the first time really saw that i was not a lazy cow but that it is actually mind-numbingly hard at times!!).

There is still hope that he will try and come back to you once he sees what a fool he has been - the question is will he have changed enough for you to want him back then. At the moment you just want to do anything to make it better for him (but thats what the other woman is doing). Make it better for youself and see what happens.

My H signed up for a flat for 6 months and although they did not live there together she did stay there - so there is hope but you both need to want it. Give it time he may still see sense before he really loses it all.

Thanks hurtwife. The sun is shining. Will have to try and make the most of it and get out with my dds. A friend did point out to me yesterday that at least Im going through this in the summer monthes. would be even more of a nightmare if I had to cope with the children being stuck in doors all day and long winter nights.

Am not going to do anything rash. Just need to try and get organised. All those little jobs that you put off till tomorrow are mounting up. Have not been able to deal with anything lately. Will probably feel better if I am on top of things.

All I can do is hope and pray. You are lucky. I really hope we get that chance too. You are an inspiration to me.

Thankyou - that really means so much to me. No matter what you will be a stronger more possitive person once all this has blown over. We cannot choose the things that happen to us - and we tend to focus on the awful most of the time. What we can do is to deal with what we are given and i feel that you are a strong person and will learn from this.

I too hope that you get what you want - i know that at the moment you just want to fight to get him back and it is all part of the process, i still think he will waver and try and come back when he has had time to really see that the grass is not greener.

Try and have a good day and make the most of the sun. How old are your children do they know what is going on?

I had the added shame of my son who was 8 telling just about anyone that daddy had a new house and it was great and he was going for a sleep over ect. I think everyone in the school playground knew on the 2nd day!! That was just my sons way of dealing with it and in fact of the 4 he is the one most affected by it all now - he hates to be alone and worries that if we have an argument we are going to split up.

It still makes me so angry to think that he casued all this anguish and she had the cheek to say 'its only infedility - it happens, get over it' If only people could know how devestating the fallout of their own selfish behaviour is. The only inspiration i hope to be is for anyone who thinks they might like to have a fun affair and to try and make them see sense.

They are coming up for 3 and 5. DD1 is a real daddys girl. I worry about her the most. She is very outgoing but deep down I can see she has quite alot of insecurities. She needs a lot of reassurance and is craving attention at the moment. She is very bright and perceptive for her age. Not that I know what other 5 year olds are like IYKWIM. But I do worry about her.

DD2 doesnt have a clue whats going on. Shes quite happy pottering about in her own world. She still comes down in the morning saying "daddys at work, isn't he". (he would quite often have left for work before she got up).

I am quite taken a back by how devestating this has all been. Although it was never anything that I would ever have condoned or thought was ok. I had no idea it could ever be this awful either.

I guess that why mumsnet has helped me so much. I really dont think you could truly understand the pain and anguish it causes if you hadnt been through it.

I think that is it - no-one can know how awful it all is until they are in it themselves.

Your DDs will be fine i have no doubt and you sound as though you are coping so well with them at the moment. You can enjoy them now and he will know that he is missing out in some way.

Anyway i am working today so will try and catch up later.