Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

[TimeForMe]

PS don't be trying too hard to make him happy. Just make sure he sees that you are happy

[macdoodle]

oh stuff it why should you make the effort change smile - FGS why don't you wash his feet and give him a BJ whilst you are down there...I went throught the same thing - he denied it (I knew in my heart) made the effort lost weight cooked dinner STUFF him - if tey can't be bothered why the hell should we am so sick of all of us sad woman trying to fix the mess that our men have made because it is easy for them to walk away - let them walk away - one day someone who loves me for what I am appreciates me and cares more about my feelings than his own or his little dicks .....or I will stay alone am quite happy with my life my DC (soon to be 2) my friends and job....and my rabbit (yup Dior I have one and its great)...so who needs a man hey!!!
Sorry rant over!!

[TimeForMe]

We are just trying to help and advise a lady who loves her husband and who wants to keep her marriage together. I think that makes her (and us) hopeful, not sad.

It's good that you have now found happiness though. Even though that is without your H. We all get there in the end don't we

[snowwonder]

i agree with everything mylittlestar has said.....

2 years ago my ex told me he wanted a break for 6 months, but he still loved me, basically what he meant was he wanted to see if it worked out with the other women if it did then i would be permantantly dumped, if it didnt then he would be back to me and our girls,

i wasnt prepared to do a break it was all or nothing and i wanted us to fight together to save our family.. he didnt even want to try and this still hurts me now...

he never told me about the other women i found out through someone else, and we never spoke about it, to be honest i wish i did know the truth about what went on at what point they met etc, as i have found it hard to move on with no answers, i just assume about what happened,

this augast they are getting married so maybe it was meant to be with them being together...

i wish you all the best in what ever you decide

[TootyFrooty]

So sorry to hear this katherine. I'm afraid I always say to trust your instincts (mine have never been wrong when it comes to xps!) I also believe that men very rarely leave their domestic set up unless there is someone else. Perhaps your dh just isn't sure what to do? Perhaps he's beginning to realise what he's giving up?

Having been a situation like this with my xp (no children thank god) I used to ignore the signs but actually what I needed to do was to accept that he was cheating on me and was almost comparing the two of us on a day by day basis so that he could make the decision about whether to stay or go. I kicked him out - best thing I ever did. However, we didn't have children and we weren't married.

Good luck.

[hurtwife]

You could of course just walk away - and maybe find happiness with a new man - sure but at least give it your best shot. If washing his feet and a bj is all it takes to make a man happy - show me him!!!!! We can all do that surely. The trouble is when we stop to do normal life and get on with raising his children ect and someone else comes along and can wash his feet and so on.

I would say give it all you have got and hey if it doesnt work out what have you really lost - a bit of time, but at least you will be able to walk away with your head held high knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage.

Try acting a bit - it does get easier - use MN to vent all your frustrations.

Each day find just a bit of time to think about you, what you would like, have a fantasy life of your own if it helps just dont focus all your energy on him and what he is up to.

You have lots of us here routing for you so you go for it and loads of luck. you should be proud of yourself for at least taking your relationship seriously - too many just turn their backs when the going gets tough. You are stronger than that and will make it through another day.

[TootyFrooty]

And keep your distance - physically yes but mentally too. That normally makes them nervous.

[katherinez]

Thankyou all for your advise. The thing is with hindsight I know that we have both made mistakes and generally have not been communicating for a long time. I am not perfect and neither is he ( although he seems to think so at the mo!) but I do love him, and I am hoping deep down he still loves me.

I am still in shock, like I said I just never dreamt we couyld get in this situation in a million years, If I had I would have made our relationship a higher priority. I have learnt so much lately. I just want a chance, thats all.

Need to focus on me and my dds now. Must stop going over things in my head and actually start to be who I want to be.

[hurtwife]

You could of course really invent a fantasy man and if he says he wants to go say sure ok but will you be able to babysit on such and such a night as XXXXX would love to take me out make up a story that he would believe - say that XXXXX has just been cheated on by wife and needs some support ect and you feel you could offer it ect ect. Of course you may then need to go out alone and feel sad and loney. But it might just work too. Just a thought.

[hurtwife]

Thats the spirit go and find who you want to be again. Dont push him away but be there but not pushing him either, hopefully he will see you are still the person he fell in love with. If there is someone else she will be giving her best and may even be feeling insecure as he has not left you yet.

[katherinez]

Yes. might have to try acting. BJ would be a fine idea. (has crossed my mind{grin}) If he let me get any where near him. Alas he is standing his ground and remaining on the sofa. God he is stubborn.

[katherinez]

OOh I would love to invent a fantasy man. Unfortunately I would be worried that at the mo he would just say ok have a nice time and not be bothered at all. Will have to wait and see.

[hurtwife]

Oh dear the sofa - how long has that been? Could you not say 'this is silly - at least come to bed the sofa is not the place for anyone really and he will have a better night sleep if nothing else. Surely after all these years he is not frightened of you.'

I would not be happy with that - he should either stay properly or go. That really is tourturing you.

It is hard and he probably really does not know what he wants but he does need to make some sort of desicion even if it is just for the children at the moment.

[hurtwife]

PS also wanted to say - even you have been awful in the past dont beat yourself up now - just move on and try not to let it slip again, but dont blame yourself for your lack of communication - it takes 2, and we all know how hectic life is with kids.

[macdoodle]

Grrr just typed long message can't be bothered to do again just gone into ether..so quick didn't mean sad as in pathetic meant sad a sin unhappy The rest was less important....

[katherinez]

Thanks Macnoodle, know what you meant.

He said he thought it was over about 4 weeks ago. Moved out for a few days, then came back and has been on the sofa ever since. He wont let me near him. It is driving me mad. That said, I do not want to push him out the door. If he goes it will be his decision. He wants me to make it for him, probably because he is feeling so guilty, I dont know. But if he goes it is down to him. I have told him how i feel. It is up to him now. I dont know what else I can do. But yes it is torture.

[hurtwife]

Well if he is going to go let him have the guilt trip too eh!

Jst hang on in there you can do this - you do deserve so much better as i am sure you know but dont give up if this is what you want go for it.

Dont think you are stupid for wanting it either which is what some people want you to believe = including him sometimes.

Hope you will catch up tomorrow although i am at work so may not be so involved i will be thinking of you.

[katherinez]

Thankyou all for your support. Had a long talk tonight. I really think he is not seeing anyone else. I saw the real him for a while which was quite reassuring, although I didnt like every thing he had to say. I think we both got alot off our chests. He is feeling very hurt and unloved at the mo. I have been taking him very much for granted. Please dont think i am feeling sorry for him. Its just that we have both made mistakes.

He is still saying that counselling is not likely to change his feelings but he is still saying he will go. And for a full course- which is an improvement. He was initially saying he would only go for 2 sessions. Plus I did say to him that if he wanted to go i would not stop him. And he has not made a break for freedom yet, so must be a good sign. Maybe?

Plus if there really isnt anyone else and he is feeling this down and upset, would i be hedging my bets to say he may still have feelings for me, even if he wont admit it. God, I hope so. x

[TimeForMe]

Hi Katherine

I would say thats all positive stuff. You have started communicating so thats especially good. If you can keep talking as you have, calmly and hopefully without laying blame on each other (which just raises defence and makes things a whole lot worse)you may just have a chance of turning this around.

This is your chance to show him that you are worth sticking around for so, go put on some lippy and smile. make him wonder what youv'e been up to

[katherinez]

Yep. Im going out tonight so that will give me the chance to get glammed up. Going to blitz the house today. Need to make this a place he wants to be. Why didnt I think like this before now.

I feel reassured in a way that he will do the whole course of counselling, so feel better able to be positive and give him the space he needs without becoming a paranoid monster

[mylittlestar]

Agree with TimeForMe. Focus on yourself and if he's going to come back to you (mentally and physically) he will. Agree you can't force the issue, so the best you can do is make yourself happy. Hopefully over time, and with the counselling and some extra effort from both of you, you can work through this.

Please continue to trust your instincts though. I cannot advise that enough.

[katherinez]

Thats what Im doing mls. Whatever my suspicions were when I spoke to him last night my instinct was that he is being honest with me. This is not at all easy for him. I know he is feeling very guilty. I have to trust him and believe that given space and time he will come to whatever decision is right for him and us. He is not taking it lightly. Hopefully if he can see all the positives he will feel able to give things another shot.

[TimeForMe]

Well done you! You seemed to have turned a corner since yesterday.

Just keep that focus on yourself (you are blitzing the house because you will feel better for it!!!) Let him see a more confident, happier you. And if you don't feel it, fake it!

I think that you personally are going to benefit a great deal from all of this

[katherinez]

I definately feel better today. I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot convince him to stay if he doesnt want to. Therefore no amount of pleading or trying to reason with him will help. All I can do is get on with things and show him how serious I am about giving it a shot.