Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

[Tanee58]

Good luck, Katherine, will try to catch you on your new thread and really hope it works out for you.

[katherinez]

Thanks hurtwife. Just opened a new thread, onwards and upwards.

[hurtwife]

Of course you still love him - you have known him through good and bad times before. You are not mad to still want it to work out - but it is not an easy journey.

He is 'stuck' in the thick of it and probably cant see the big picture. You can. Stay strong and think about what you want now.

Even if he does come back things will change. This sort of thing really will make you a stronger person in the end.

Hope you have a good day - i am not around much but will try and catch up tomorrow.

[katherinez]

Trying to stay strong. May sound daft but I still hope and pray we get through this. He really is such a wonderful man. Still trying to look after myself and the girls though. Need to give him the space and time he needs. I truly love him so much. I really do.

[hurtwife]

Hi Katherine glad it went well today - i like the bit about a cousellor junkie my H is one of those. It sometimes annoys me when he says what would xxxx say about that. It is also good because if all else fails you can blame your parents and upbringing on all your current problems!! But is does help even if it just gives you some coping stratagies.

[katherinez]

Too True Silent Terror. I have learnt so much already. I will NEVER make these mistakes again.

[SilentTerror]

I went to counselling alone after my first marriage broke up,and it really helped.
If you can come to terms with things by talking them through with a third party you come to realise what went wrong how to make YOURSELF stronger for the rest of your life.Don't get hung up on what he did wrong or what he is thinking/doing.Be selfish!

[katherinez]

Must be feeling better today. Have only spent one hour on the phone today. I have been averaging about eight.

[Tanee58]

I know - but I prefer your elegant 1950s fashion icon name !

[Dumbledior]

Tanee - it is a Harry Potter reference!

[Tanee58]

Dumbledior??!!!!

No, knowing what's right and doing it aren't the same - I know that too! However, there's a difference between being a serial philanderer & hving a flirtation or affair because you're unhappy. Dior and I, I think, fall into that category (I would never DREAM of having another affair now, but that is because I am happy with dp (apart from his depression & drinking, tht is ). I suspect - and hope - that your dh is the same, and that he'll come back to you if/when you resolve your differences. So your lifeline at the moment is hoping that he'll come with you to relate.

Your poor dd2 - she's probably afraid that you're going to disappear too - and she sees that you are sad. Just keep hugging her. The worst is, she's too little to explain it all to. Keep strong though, and just keep reassuring her that whatever happens, daddy and you love her and you'll always be there - and so will he, even if he's not living at home at the moment.

[katherinez]

I know what you mean.

[Dumbledior]

I'm not in any way excusing him though. I know that me firting with another man is wrong. I am having a hell of a time and am not proud of myself, and I have not even had an affair! I just know that what people SHOULD do and what they actually do is very different!

You have every right to be as hurt as you are.

[katherinez]

No I went on my own. Think that was good though. Gave me time for me. Youre right dior. He was unhappy. I know that now. Just hope its not too late. Still going to try and move on and all that. Put me and the girls first. Thats what I have to concentrate on right now.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[katherinez]

Thanks Tanee. I have got lots of stuff sorted out today. Theres just so much to organize, and Im rubbish at that normally. Ive still got my fingers crossed too . DD2 has got the worst separation anxiety Ive ever seen. Shes like a different child at the mo. She is permenantly glued to my leg at the moment. Bless her. It must be so confusing for them both. Am trying so hard to be strong for them but it is so hard.

The counsellor really was so good today tinkerbel. Got a lot of things straight in my head about myself. She made me realize why I have been struggling so much after having my dds. Helped me to understand that that was not my fault. And that was only after one session. Think I could become a counselling junkie! I love talking about myself, if you hadnt guessed. Soooo therapeutic. And for someone who doesnt like to talk and share things usually, I think Ive got a lot of catching up to do. With DH and just in general.

[Tinkerbel5]

glad you are starting to get angry katherine, it wasnt your fault he had the affair he did it cause he fancied her and took it up, if you do ever take him back dont do it unless he know that if he ever does it again then it will be the end of you both or otherwise he will keep doing it knowing you will always take him back, let him fight to get you back. Do the counselling for yourself and dont get your hopes up in him attending as I wouldnt be surprised he is agreeing to it to just keep you happy, keep strong.

[Tanee58]

Everything still crossed for you which is probably why I broke my computer at work this morning & am trying to use a colleague's (crap keybaord as you cn se ).

Anger is good, you need to get it out of your system. Xenia is right, his grnd romance won't seem so romantic when they're looking after his dds for the weekend.

I'm so sorry you nd the dds were upset though. If only he knew wht harm he's doing to them. It'll ll rebound on him (the 'a' on this keybord won't respond - sorry bout typos). Just be kind to yourself, don't blme yourself too much, he hs a prt in this too - he should have tried harder to talk to you. YOU are the one bringing up his dds and running the home - it's huge distraction in a marriage, men don't realise just how much energy it tkes and how it preoccupies us.

Glad Relate went well. Hope she gave you some positive pointers.

Fed up with this keybord, sorry, am giving up now, will ctch you tomorrow .

[katherinez]

I went to relate today, went really well. I dont know how she did it, but she really did help. Hope DH will want to carry on with the counselling. I just think she could really help us. I just have a feeling about it.

Am still trying to be strong though

[madabout]

Please try counselling. My stbx didn't. He was having an affair under my nose and told me the day before he left.

I did have my suspicions and when he told me I did feel relief as my instincts had been right.

Unfortunately a month and a bit on we are heading for a bitter divorce which I am already hating.

At least if you go for counselling and you need to separate you can both come to terms with it together.

But I really hope and pray that it all works out for you both.

[katherinez]

Exactly!

[TimeForMe]

By the time you have finished 'growing, changing and developing', you might not even want him back

[katherinez]

Thanks for your post every one. Will check out that link tfm. Thanks.

Of course this is going to take time. I am not just going to stop loving him over night. But I have to be realistic. I know I have made mistakes and I want to try and put tham right. He has not been straight with me, Has cheated on me and has walked out on his family. I cannot just carry on and let him treat me the way he has. Why should I. He thinks he can make up his mind about her and keep his options open with me. But the fact is I have to concentrate on my life with my girls. And if he has a change of heart in the future then I will have to decide at that time if I really want to have him back.

[TimeForMe]

Oh my gosh!! I just did a link!

Thinking of you all, MLS, hurtwife, Katherine. xx

[TimeForMe]

www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/112006.html