Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

Also told him that if he had been unfaithful I would understand why and would still want to work things through, Just in case. I didnt want him feeling he had to leave coz he couldnt live with the guilt IYSWIM. I know he takes things like that very seriously. I honestly dont think he could hack staying around if he had been up to something.

I know I am perhaps being far to optimistic. It all sounds pretty grim, doesnt it. But I just think that deep down the feelings are still there. Just really well hidden. And if we do make it to the counselling then who knows. Im pretty sure that relate must have turned around relationships in a far worse state than ours. Can it really have been that bad, I didnt even realize there was that much of a problem!

That last bit sounded a bit flippant. Obviously things were that bad .

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katherinez so that he's made the decision to move out.

I think you probably are in shock. My argument would always be that surely it's better to be living in the same house to give you the best chance of working through things together. But like you say, maybe time will tell and him being apart from you should hopefully make him realise what he is missing.

It's positive that he wants to go to the counselling. And I think you've done so well in staying strong and making him make the decision.

Like you say it's a step forward. May not be the exact route you wanted, but at least it is a step towards things finally being resolved.

Look after yourself in the weeks to come. It can get lonely at times and as it all sinks in I'm sure the anger will start to come out. But anger can be a good emotion too - it's what you sometimes need to get you though.

MN will always be here. But have you got some RL support too?

{{{hugs}}}

Feeling seriously down today. Just managed to get the dc breakfasted and dressed for the day. That seemed like a mammoth task and reduced me to tears along the way. I feel so sad it physically hurts. Ive never known anything like it. I guess I am seriously overwhelmed. I just cannot understand how he thinks he can be happier living in some run down flat with no money, alone. Why does he not want to be with his family that love him. If he seriously thinks that is a better option what does that say about me.

I have so much that needs to be done. Phone calls, money to sort out. It just all seems like to much.I just dont know where to start.

Have been snapping at the dc so much to day. The slightest thing is enough to dirve me crazy at the mo.

I do have lots of support. I am very lucky in that way. I need to go to relate next week to keep our regular slot. Im not quite sure what I will gain from it going alone. Think I might feel a bit daft really. Just not sure.

Going alone will be an excellent chance to talk through everything you just said in your post. It will be a good chance to focus on you and for you to get advice and ideas on how to get yourself through this. Make the most of it in whatever ways you can.

I too cannot comprehend why any man would choose to live alone in a flat with no money when he has a wife and family that adore him. I say that to my H virtually every day. And all he can reply is 'you'll never understand because I don't fully understand it myself'

No matter what troubles you may have had in the past I think you have to remind yourself that this is not your fault. His actions are not a reflection on you. They speak volumes about the kind of man he is right now. He cannot think of anyone but himself. Not even his own wife and children

Well we have paid for it now so may as well go. I just don not understand how he thinks he will manage. It just all seems crazy to me. Totally crazy. I just have to believe that he may change his mind once he sees what he has lost. Cant bear to think that he will never want to come back. Cant believe this could be the end.

Thanks for your comments MLS. How long jave you and your H been separated? If you dont mind me asking.

Don't mind you asking at all. He left initially last December. Came back in March which is when I found out about his affair. Then he was there in body (not in mind) until May, when I found out he was back seeing her again. Then he ended it with her for good, stayed for 2 weeks, and left 'indefinitely' at the end of May.

So all pretty raw still. I effectively took him back 3 times between last December and now, and he still chose to leave again to live alone, away from us, and with 'nothing' to go to. I'll never understand!

Don't think about your situation that it could be the end forever. That's a lot to comprehend right now. Just think that in your vows, for better for worse, this is one of the 'worst' times... if you two can get through this then I'm sure nothing will come between you ever again. Just take one small step at a time and deal with each day as it comes.

Goodness MLS these things do take time to unfold, dont they.If I think back a few weeks I think I wanted to have everything solved in a few weeks. Its very hard isnt it. Im struggling with the reality that this could go on for months and months. I dont know how long I can go on living like this. Im not working and I am literally leaning on everyone I know to carry me through this time. It is taking all my energy just to look after myself at the mo. Let alone the dc. I am not myself at the mo.

I like what you say about the vows. I do take them very seriously and at the end of the day we are still married and will be this time next week if he has gone. It is one of the worse times but it is not over til it is over.

What I meant to say was that I dont know if I can carry on feeling the way I do now for the amount of time it is going to take to get through this. If that makes sense. I guess it is still early days. hopefully things will get easier soon.

Yes I know what you mean about wanting it all fixed and over as soon as possible. That was one of the hardest things for me to accept. I think this is one of those situations where it really is going to take time.
I found it hard that I had to wait a week inbetween our initial counselling sessions! I thought that was far too long to wait for the next discussion!

And don't be too hard on yourself. This is one time in your life where you are entitled to lean on those around you. I found that hard too. But then started to tell myself that if it was my friend or family in this position, I would want to be there for them in every way possible. The day will come when you will repay their support in one way or another.

And you're so right. It's definitely not over til it's over!

It does get easier honest.

It still hurts a lot. And the anger is still there. (Especially as I had a lot to deal with in accepting that H's girlfriend knew my baby and had photos of the 3 of them on her phone!!)

But as the days go by you learn to cope with it. Honestly. You won't believe me now. But the hurt gradually fades and changes. Your emotions will probably be all over the place for a while. It's almost like a grieving process for the old relationship that you have lost.

But just remember, the new relationship you and dh could have when you come through the other side of this could be amazing and better than you ever thought possible. There are people on MN who are examples of how this can really happen. Hurtwife is a brilliant example of a strong woman who didn't let this beat her and who has come out of the other side with a relationship her and her dh appreciate more than ever.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I guess the ADs will help once they kick in, which will make life easier. And at least I know what his plans are. But I just have to try and stay positive. Think I really would fall to pieces otherwise. And it still really early days.

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So sorry to hear he has left. However,oyu may find that now something concrete has happened you can start to allow yourself to grieve,IYSWIM.
Make no mistake,divorce(sorry,I know you are a long way off that yet)is like death.Someone once told me many years ago that this was the case,saying
'at least when someone dies they are dead to everyone;when you split up they are only dead to you'.
I found that very true,and only someone who has gone through it can appreciate that.
l
You will come through this,and one day you will look back from a better place.
Best wishes.

Thanks dior, I will do that.

Youre so right silent terror. I never believed how awful this sort of thing could make one feel. It is truly the worst thing I have ever been faced with.

And it gets worse. He came in tonight and went to have a bath and for some reason he left his phone in his wardrobe. I went to check it and as I picked it up a message came in from a girl he has just started working with saying " you know how I like to be paid". Hmmmm. So while he was still in the bath I just grabbed his phone and went out in the car. I sent her some texts and she was trying to arranged for them to go away somewhere for tomorrow night. I honestly couldnt believe what I was reading. I was in total shock. I know after everything it should have been obvious but i just couldnt believe the man I know and love could do that to me. He has been lying to me and everyone we know for over a month. I met her a few weeks ago before I was even suspicious and I can honestly say it was that meeting that sowed the seed of doubt in my mind. She just didnt ring true. I just knew. I am so angry with both of them . She knew he was married and he knew exactly what he was doing. He seriously had me thinking he was suicidal because of how i has treated him! Lying bastard.

So I left him to it and got my dad to come and pick me up. Need to have it out with him. May go back in a bit or may wait till the morning. Not sure really. I called her to ask her what she was playing at and she hung up on me. Sent her a message saying i had his phone. She sent me a text back saying it was just a wind up. Yeah right. I did ring up just to say I knew and that we would talk when I get home and he is still denying anything happened. But he has admitted it to his sister. What a total git.

I am angry at the mo. I know i am still in shock but I have still said i do not want him to go. Everyone thinks i am mad for wanting to stay with him but the fact of the matter is he is my husband and i love him. He is the father of my 2dc and they adore him and want him at home. And that is what i will fight for. We have been together for 9 years. She has known him for less than 2 months. He has told me he will still do the counselling so we will see. At least I know the truth now. However painful it is I know what I am dealing with.

K, am sending large hug. But its true, as you say, that now you know what you are dealing with, and you know what you want. Armed with that you can plant your feet in the ground and fight. And know that we are all out here thinking of you.

Very best wishes.

The most ridiculous thing is that this girl is the person he works most closely with in his new job. She helped him to write his cv so he got the job in the first place! She was with him on the trip he went on at the beginning of the week. He started his new job on monday. It just seems like a complete nightmare to me. Now surely, married or not that is a bloody stupid thing to do!

Thankyou Liska. I cant believe what a pratt he has been. But that said I still love him more than anything else in the world. I dont want a measly fling to wreck our marriage and family.

Please tell me what to do someone. I need to go and have it out with him today. Just dont know what to do. I love him so much

Someone tell me what to do, Please

Hi K. I'm sorry you're going through this crap at the moment.
You need to find out exactly how he feels about this girl, does he feel strongly enough that he'll ruin his marraige for it. You're prepared to work through this? Are you sure that whats you want? Does he know you'll do whatever it takes to work through it all?
If it's to work there would have to be a lot of changes, he works with this gril doesn't he?
Go talk to him, stay as calm as you can and try to talk about everything that you need to get off your chest.