Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

[Tanee58]

Hope you have a good day out Katherine, the weather's not great here (terrific hail storm as I drove home yesterday, I even checked the car for dents!) - so lucky you to have some sunshine.

You're being very brave, and yes, don't worry too much about the girls - as long as they feel both parents love them, they will get through. I think the worst damage is done when children see their parents bitching about each other or using the children to play off each other. If he does it with his 'you can be as naughty as you like' line, don't rise to it.

And I DO so hope things work out - you obviously love him so much. Let him know it. Relate should be the opportunity to explain that you neglected him through sheer bloody fatigue and all the preoccupations of having two young children. It's only too easily done. My dd is 15 and doesn't need me to run after her so much any more, & yet my dp (not her father) still said recently that he had felt, during his recent depression, that I cared more about her - and even about the cats - than about him. Men can be such children ...

[katherinez]

Your'e right tanee. I do love him so much but relate will be a good chance for him to see that. Thankfully at the moment he has promised me he will do the course with me so fingers crossed.

[Tanee58]

I'm crossing EVERYTHING for you! There are so many sad stories on MN that I really hope yours has a happy ending. Have to go out now, so will catch up with you probably tomorrow. xx

[katherinez]

thankyou, thankyou!

[katherinez]

Feeling very down today. Managed to get to sleep sometime after one and woke up at four. Im so so tired. My brain is tired, it just wont switch off. I was feeling slightly better yesterday. Until the tea time rush and then I lost the plot again. The girls were so upset yesterday. I just couldnt hide my emotions from them. Just couldnt stop crying for a minute.

He rang last night and I couldnt help but rant at him. Im so angry for what hes done. So angry. He cannot see how this is impacting on everyone. He made me think this was all my fault. He made me think I was going mad. He still is. Hes still only telling me half the story. Because he knows what he did was unforgivable. He cannot accept that he chose to do what he did. So he makes me think Im going mad instead. Hes the biggest coward Ive ever met.

Its all my fault according to him because he tried to talk to me and I didnt listen. So why didnt he try bloody harder. Im not a bloody mind reader. Ok, maybe I should have taken on board what he had been trying to say. But why would I. I love him and thought he felt the same. I would never have dreamed have walking out on our marriage and thats what I thought he thought too.

[Judy1234]

He might well have someone (I haven't read the whole thread) but that's not really the issue and blame sadly isn't the issue either and working out who was to blame etc. However it gives some people huge satisfaction to be able to say yes it was his fault because he was with someone else. That might make you feel better. But it's fairly pointless at the end of the day and has no effect on divorce, money, children.

You might want him back but he may not want to come back. Try to ensure if he has a lovely new lover they have the children with them waking them all night and up from 6am and she'll soon pack her bag from the cosy little love nest when she realises she's taken on a load of children. Also make sure he does his bit with baby sitting. Say you're going out to a party or applying for jobs. Make him realise that being apart is very expensive indeed and means he gets much less free time because of looking after the chidlren etc.

Do all the usual legal things too like checking on bank accounts.

[katherinez]

He has got someone else xenia. I only just found out. Its very raw.

[katherinez]

Ok. I know I am contrary, BUT
Can someone please give me a large virtual kick up the backside!

He seriously is a bloody idiot. He walked out on his family after knowing this girl for 8 weeks. He has been lying to me all this time. He is still lying to me now. It is his loss. Not mine. If he cant even be honest with me now then what else can I do. He hasnt even said sorry. I still love him, even though I seriously think he has lost the plot but I cannot go on like this and let him carry on stringing me along. He says he will do the counselling to see if we can work it out, yet he is off shagging her. Am I mad? Why the f"*k would I want to try at our relationship while he is behaving like that.

Someone remind me that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Tell me there are loads of sexy single men out there. I havent been looking for such a long time.
I need to get over him.

Ok. Rant over.

[TimeForMe]

There are plenty more fish in the sea (lots of eels too ) but, life can be so happy, rewarding and fulfilling without a man too you know

Once you have got over the raw pain you are feeling right now, you will be fine. Just be kind to yourself right now, take good care of yourself and make sure that you look after yourself. Love yourself as much as you love(d) him!!

[hurtwife]

Katerine - of course your brain is a whirr - this is not your fault. Finding someone to blame is not the answer and i know you know that deep down - but it just feels right at the moment.

He is being an idiot and he will soon realise. Do you have to take his calls - i know it is tempting but why not make a time for it and try and stick to it.

Of course you are angry he let you believe that you were having a certain life and at his whim he can pull it all away from you.

Everyone can see the injustice and we all feel your pain - some of us more than others as it is still so fresh for us. Dont worry about what you do or say - what can make any of this worse? Let those feelings out - but maybe not to him, tell us instead.

You are now in control of your life again and it is scary but as so many have said it is also exciting. He has made the choice to leave and now you will manage on your own. What about having a sort out of 'stuff' that reminds you of him - photos ect. It helped me when my was gone. He hated it but i said i needed to try and move on as he had and he should let me do it my way - we have moved house and i had the say what photos and pictures went up this time and there are still i find too painful to see - he has accepted that now.

You will feel strong just by knowing that you can do this - do you sort out all the bills for the house ect?
Do keep an eye on the bank accounts though as if they are joint you can get a solicitor to stop him just taking it all. Also let your council know that you are single for council tax purposes. Redirect all his mail if he has not done so. If you want to be bloody minded just return to sender. This could cause problems in the future but that is something else he should have thought about.

I think many on here have said it is only when you reach the point where you can go it alone and almost want to that he comes crawling back. It will take a while but you will get there i am certain.

Take care today and i will try and post a bit more today for you.

[mylittlestar]

katherinez no kick from me ... just {{{hugs}}}

I could have written your last few posts myself. I understand exactly how you feel.

"He says he will do the counselling to see if we can work it out, yet he is off shagging her. Am I mad? Why the f"*k would I want to try at our relationship while he is behaving like that. "

Exactly!

H has left us, put us through hell, but still wants to go to counselling... WTF! I think it's their way of easing the guilt - as in 'look I am trying, and look how great I am, and look at me making all this effort'... all a load of rubbish!

I think TFM is right about focusing on yourself. Words are easy. But until they can come back to the real world and prove themselves through their actions, then we are fighting a losing battle.

The best thing we can do is focus on ourselves, our lives, our future and our own happiness... we definitely don't need them to make us happy xx

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[TimeForMe]

www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/112006.html

[TimeForMe]

Oh my gosh!! I just did a link!

Thinking of you all, MLS, hurtwife, Katherine. xx

[katherinez]

Thanks for your post every one. Will check out that link tfm. Thanks.

Of course this is going to take time. I am not just going to stop loving him over night. But I have to be realistic. I know I have made mistakes and I want to try and put tham right. He has not been straight with me, Has cheated on me and has walked out on his family. I cannot just carry on and let him treat me the way he has. Why should I. He thinks he can make up his mind about her and keep his options open with me. But the fact is I have to concentrate on my life with my girls. And if he has a change of heart in the future then I will have to decide at that time if I really want to have him back.

[TimeForMe]

By the time you have finished 'growing, changing and developing', you might not even want him back

[katherinez]

Exactly!

[madabout]

Please try counselling. My stbx didn't. He was having an affair under my nose and told me the day before he left.

I did have my suspicions and when he told me I did feel relief as my instincts had been right.

Unfortunately a month and a bit on we are heading for a bitter divorce which I am already hating.

At least if you go for counselling and you need to separate you can both come to terms with it together.

But I really hope and pray that it all works out for you both.

[katherinez]

I went to relate today, went really well. I dont know how she did it, but she really did help. Hope DH will want to carry on with the counselling. I just think she could really help us. I just have a feeling about it.

Am still trying to be strong though

[Tanee58]

Everything still crossed for you which is probably why I broke my computer at work this morning & am trying to use a colleague's (crap keybaord as you cn se ).

Anger is good, you need to get it out of your system. Xenia is right, his grnd romance won't seem so romantic when they're looking after his dds for the weekend.

I'm so sorry you nd the dds were upset though. If only he knew wht harm he's doing to them. It'll ll rebound on him (the 'a' on this keybord won't respond - sorry bout typos). Just be kind to yourself, don't blme yourself too much, he hs a prt in this too - he should have tried harder to talk to you. YOU are the one bringing up his dds and running the home - it's huge distraction in a marriage, men don't realise just how much energy it tkes and how it preoccupies us.

Glad Relate went well. Hope she gave you some positive pointers.

Fed up with this keybord, sorry, am giving up now, will ctch you tomorrow .

[Tinkerbel5]

glad you are starting to get angry katherine, it wasnt your fault he had the affair he did it cause he fancied her and took it up, if you do ever take him back dont do it unless he know that if he ever does it again then it will be the end of you both or otherwise he will keep doing it knowing you will always take him back, let him fight to get you back. Do the counselling for yourself and dont get your hopes up in him attending as I wouldnt be surprised he is agreeing to it to just keep you happy, keep strong.

[katherinez]

Thanks Tanee. I have got lots of stuff sorted out today. Theres just so much to organize, and Im rubbish at that normally. Ive still got my fingers crossed too . DD2 has got the worst separation anxiety Ive ever seen. Shes like a different child at the mo. She is permenantly glued to my leg at the moment. Bless her. It must be so confusing for them both. Am trying so hard to be strong for them but it is so hard.

The counsellor really was so good today tinkerbel. Got a lot of things straight in my head about myself. She made me realize why I have been struggling so much after having my dds. Helped me to understand that that was not my fault. And that was only after one session. Think I could become a counselling junkie! I love talking about myself, if you hadnt guessed. Soooo therapeutic. And for someone who doesnt like to talk and share things usually, I think Ive got a lot of catching up to do. With DH and just in general.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[katherinez]

No I went on my own. Think that was good though. Gave me time for me. Youre right dior. He was unhappy. I know that now. Just hope its not too late. Still going to try and move on and all that. Put me and the girls first. Thats what I have to concentrate on right now.

[Dumbledior]

I'm not in any way excusing him though. I know that me firting with another man is wrong. I am having a hell of a time and am not proud of myself, and I have not even had an affair! I just know that what people SHOULD do and what they actually do is very different!

You have every right to be as hurt as you are.