Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

[SilentTerror]

Just noticed your comment about working all weekend Katherine.I have done this too,both in my first marriage and more recently a few years ago.IMO if things work out between you,it might be better to try and change your hours to more sociable ones if possible,even if it means childcare costs.I consider my current (!) marriage to be very strong but constantly being at work at weekends and never having 'family' time put a huge strain on us both,and caused problems.I decided to work a day in the week instead(luckily only worked a few hrs)and things improved.
I def don't think lack of 'together' time does your marriage any favours,you start to view your lives independently and that can be a downward spiral.
Sorry to go on,good luck!

[katherinez]

Thanks hurtwife, I appreciate your advice. I will talk to work later. Think I will try to work if posible. I think I will have to assume he will be here until he says otherwise and I will just have to be honest with work and tell them things may change if/when he goes.If he did go I would be able to do one night and use my family for child care but 2 would be too many as they would need to be looked after during the day in between. I am pleased about your thoughts about having him stay in the home at w/es. Its what I thought, just didnt know if I was being fair or not. I am finding it very hard to be objective. I have plenty of leave to take from work, I dont want to use it all up now. I am guessing I will need it a lot more in the future. Plus I think it would be good for him to see that I am not completly dependant on him and am capable of going to work regardless of what he is up to!

I agree with what you say silentterror. He himself says all the problems have started since I went back to work after having dd2. So imo having a total rethink would have been a better way of thinking about our future. There is so many options we havent tried together. Heaven forbid he could have told be how he was thinking over a year ago and we could have had a rethink then. Anyway, thats irrelevent now.

[katherinez]

Is anyone there. Im am soooo bloody angry. Have just totally lost it with dc. they had made a great big mess everywhere. Yes I should have been supervising them more closely. But I just lost it completely. I just smacked my 3 yr old. Have never done that before to either, just totally lost the plot for a minute. Feel so awful. I just cannot cope at the mo. Have been taking tablets to help me sleep. Am feeling very aprehensive as run out tonight. Back to drs tomorrow. Thought I was going to say Im feeling ok, but just goes to show something goes slightly pearshaped and I completely lose the plot. How can he bloody well swan off on his trip after all his bloody bomb shells lately and just expect me to get on with it. What a mess.

[katherinez]

Thats angry with dh of course, not the dc!

[hurtwife]

I am here and feel free to cat me if you wish - dont be so hard on yourself about getting angry with the children you are under a lot of strain at the moment. They really will not hold it against you in the future. (unless they go to therapy - and then everything is the parents fault!!!) only joking there.

The having time for each other is a good idea and is important but like you said he could have discussed this a year ago.

You are not a bad mother or a bad person just remember all this - however hard.

When is he back?

[katherinez]

He is back sometime tonight. Later this evening I think. Have obviously been stressing quite a lot today. Didnt realise how much that I had relaxed when he was away. Not that my feelings have changed, its just I havent had to deal with the situation and that has been a real relief. Maybe he will be clearer when he gets back to. Might spur him into action either way I guess. I cant really do anything else now. I dont want to push him. I am just going to carry on as normal if I can and the rest will be up to him and on his consience (sp?). He knows how I feel. There is no more to be said on the matter

[SilentTerror]

I think it is the sense of 'limbo' that is so frustrating.If he does leave you will be devastated but you will have somewhere to direct your frustration/anger.There is nothing worse than the sense of 'what if' or that anything you do/say will tip the balance one way or the other.
He is being unbelievably cruel,but that could be guilt (exh behaved like this).Hard though it is only time will tell,maybe he will go,get it all out of his system and see the grass is not greener on the other side.
Best wishes again.

[katherinez]

Thankyou all. Dont know what I would have done without mn. It really has been a life line. He has just text me to say his flight has landed so will be in in an hour or two. I am trying to sort everything out. Do my hair. Why I dont know. But anyway Must go and make a serene happy home for him to arrive to. Some chance! Cant believe I am so worked up. Its wierd having not seen him for a few days. Think its probably a first for us in 9 years. He did ask in his text if the dc were ok and do I have any wine in. Charming!. And obviously Im bloody fine. Men. Never believed he good be such an un caring bastard. Im still putting it down to insanity but dont know how much longer this can go on. Anyway, will have to see what he does now.

[hurtwife]

Thinking of you -you strong wonderful woman. Dont beat yourself up because you lost it with the kids - we all do and have no real excuses. Good for you that you recognise this in yourself.

[katherinez]

Well he came in at eightish. Talked about himself for about 10 minutes. Then nipped to the shop and came back with a bottle of champagne from the local co-op! Did resist and did not ask him what we were celebrating! Had a glass of this with him while he talked about himself, his trip and the people he went there with (a work thing). Now he has just started a new job so I know he is very into it all at the mo. Anyway. An hour and a half later and he has not asked a single thing of me or the dc. Not a thing. I really cant believe how self absorbed he is. Might carry on tomorrow and see how long it takes him to think for a second about his family. He has now told me hes tired so wants to go to bed. ie. go to bed yourself and get out of my way. He is sleeping in the living room still. So have left him to it. I am quite pleased that I did not ask him how he was, whether he has had any thoughts on us. Dont want to give him the satisfaction. So I am none the wiser, unless my soon to be 5 yr old dd is to believed, in which case he is moving to a different house soon. He asked me whether I was working this weekend and I just said I was going to see whether I felt like it or not. I think he may go crazy. I know he wants to take the plunge and leave but when he will actually make the move is anyones guess. He did tell me how full his schedule is next wednesday. Thats when we are due to start our counselling. But I didnt ask him about it. He knows when it is, If he cant be arsed I will go on my own. So there we have it. No better, no worse. Oh, he didnt find my letter that I put in his case. He just found it when he was unpacking so he has that to read now.

[katherinez]

Just been to the drs. She was very helpful. She thinks I need to bring things to a head by asking him to leave. The whole situation is making me ill and affecting the dc. I would love to know if he is up to anything. Think I may need to try and catch him out. some how. Hmmmm. Will need to think about this carefully.

[hurtwife]

Dont make yourself ill trying to catch him unless you KNOW what you will do if it is the worst.

You know you cannot live like you are at the moment- so you have to choose what to do now. If there is someone else you will soon know if he goes anyway. Are you prepared to stay if there has been someone else. If you are be prepared for a long haul - as i and many others have found the lies continue for a while.

Are you prepared to 'kick' him out? only you know what to do

Good luck

[mylittlestar]

I don't agree with the doctor.

The situation is horrendous I know. But he is a coward who wants you to make his decisions for him. Please do not give him the satisfaction.

Let him make his own choices. His own mistakes. Then he is the one who has to live with that.


As for catching him out. It's probably not a bad idea to be honest. Wish I'd have had suspicions and done that with H. Then this whole nightmare would have come to a head, and been over, a lot sooner.
Although I agree that you shouldn't try to catch him out, until you know what you will do if you do find out the worst.

Thinking of you xx

[hurtwife]

I agree MLS He is trying to get you to do the deed and he is making your life unbearable but only so he does not have to actually walk out on his own with all the guilt.

I have many friends who say that once they had kicked him out the children where told it was her fault and that he really wanted to stay.

It is games but make sure you are the winner. You wont make him stay but you could make him go - let him make the wrong choice not you.

Good luck

[katherinez]

If there is someone else then personally I could understand why and would still want to work things out. It has only been the last 6 weeks that things have changed so I dont think anything prolonged has gone on IYKWIM. I just dont know what Im dealing with. That is the problem. What if this goes on for weeks/ months. Nothing has changed so far and weve all been living like this for four weeks already. Im not going to do anything rash. Have our relate appointment next week. I hope he may come with me but if not I will go alone and maybe talk through some of this. I think things may be clearer by then anyway. I just get the feeling he is stringing me along until it suits him. He mentioned before his trip that there was a posibility that he will have to work abroad for a couple of months. He has not said anything about it lately but I wonder (when I have my paranoid/cynical hat on!) that maybe he is just hanging around here knowing he will have to go away with work soon which will give him a chance to save some money. And have things taken care of by themselves IYSWIM. Aggghhh. Should just stop thinking about it all really. Must try to use my energy more constructively. The dr has given me some anti depressants on top of the sleeping pills, so hopefully that will help. He just does not have a clue how all this is impacting on any body else. He really doesnt. He is un bloody believable!

[mylittlestar]

Katherinez you're streets ahead of where I was when I was in your position a few months ago. You should be proud of yourself for that. You can see he may be stringing you along until the time is right. You can see he's probably doing whatever suits him. You are aware that there could be someone else. You can see how insular he has become and how he has no regard for how his actions impact on anyone else...

It took me months to realise all of that. Literally months. You should use that knowlege to make sure you focus on yourself and dc and start to make plans of how you can make yourself happy, with or without him.

You are taking the sleeping pills and ADs to help. But you need to give yourself credit for the strength and ingenuity that you are showing. I'm so sure that whatever happens, you will get through this and ultimately be happy xx

[katherinez]

Thanks MLS. I am going to focus on myself and the dc. Will think of some nice things to do at the w/e with or with out him. MN is helping me cope more than anything else at the mo. I am getting such fab advice from those who have been there and that is invaluable. I really do appreciate it.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[hurtwife]

Here here. You are doing really well and showing such strengh. It is the not knowing that is worse as you cant make a clear decision and that is where he just does not get it. He is wrapped up in his own world at the moment - whatever that maybe! Everything he is doing he will be justifying it to himself - she was a bitch ect ect because he surely cant handle what he is doing - does that make sense?

You know he is being so unfair by not telling you what is going on and i think that is causing him to have some guilt. These trips away are a bit worrying too as it means he can have the space to think and work out his best plan.

Is there a way you could say you need to discuss something - say you need to do something at work - and will need his support - if he says he is going then you need to tell him to give you more detais as you really do need to get on and sort some things out. What about saying you need to arrange a family get together or something and so again need to know if he is going to be around. But i do understand you are scared of 'pushing' it.

All i would say again is - give him your support and let him carry the guilt.

[mylittlestar]

Yes MN was invaluable to me too. It felt strange how much I relied on people I'd never met! I still want to try to meet up with some of those people one day to thank them in person.
Happy to be able to give you some support. MN at it's best!

[katherinez]

I also love the way you can read back through the threads. Its reassuring to see how ones thought processes change so much over a matter of days and weeks. Its very cathartic!

[katherinez]

Well we have a d day. He has told me he has organised a flat and is moving out on wednesday. (his pay day!) It was strange talking. I didnt like what he was saying but i did feel like it was the real him and he was being straight with me. I dont think there is anyone else ( non paranoid caring head on!).

I am pleased though. I stuck it out. I could see he was finding it hard. Could tell he wanted to burst. I have kept my cool and told him again that I want to try. I have been trying to get through to him that just because he leaves it does not mean that he cant change his mind and come back. I really want him to know that. He knows it is not what I want and that he will have to live with the decision he makes. I feel strangely calm. Dont think it has sunk in yet.

I dont know what is going on in his head but I feel like he has started to face the situation head on. He has made a decision. May not be the one I wanted but at least we are a step further along on our journey. Maybe when he realizes what he has left behind he will want to come back and try over. Who knows, only time will tell that.

I was quite surprised by one thing. He has said he will do the course of counselling. I said to him that I wanted to do it to work on being together, not to work on finding an amicable end to our marriage and he has said he will go. He cant make the first session, but after that he said he will come with me. I dont know how him moving out could make us a step further along on sorting things out but I feel strangely hopeful. I think its because when he was being honest with me I recognised the man I love and I havent seen him for weeks.