Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

hi k i am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. mls tfm and hw are amazing with their advice and words of wisdom and have helped me enormously. We are all here for you. Im just sorry we cant take your pain away.

but as mls said it does fade in time. But none of this is your fault please remember that.

thinking of you x

Hi Katherine
I am so sorry you are going through all this and i really do wish i could take your pain away. You love this man so much and the pain of not being in control and not being able to have what we so desperately want is literally heartbreaking.

You are probably not going to like what I have to say but i couldn't see you in all this turmoil and not try to help you.

My advice would be to try very hard to get back to being 'strong' Katherine. Not to go in all guns blazing, to have it out with him or to ask him anything about this girl at the moment. You have the evidence, you have seen it with your own eyes, you know he has lied to you and that he has possibly cheated on you. At the moment his defences will be up and he will probably lie to you all the more or become hostile. To confront him is only going to serve to push him further away from you, which is the total oppostite of what you say you want.

Also, if he does decide to 'come clean' and tell you everything, this can only serve to cause you more pain at the moment. Yes, you want to hear it but at the same time you don't want to hear it.
Totally understandable.

You have said that despite everything, you want to save your marriage. Then try to regain your composure and ask him if he is willing to talk about this. If he isn't then just leave him be until the time comes that he is. It's called damage limitation
This is so sad Katherine and my heart is breaking for you but, if he really does wnat to leave then he will leave and no amount of begging or pleading is going to stop him. Be strong. Be dignified!! Don't lower yourself to his standards!!

I am thinking of you and I am wishing you all the strength in the world to be able to cope with this!!! xx

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Sorry to hear about developments Katherine.I have to say I did think somone else was involved,there usually is where men are concerned.Your DH acted exactly as my EXH did 18 years ago when our marriage broke down,and the signs have never left me.
You must be feeling awful,I can remember tearing around never eating or resting,just trying to do something that would make sense of it all,following him in my car,endlessly going over things with friends.All you can do is 'exist';the children will keep you going on a day to day basis,and if you can face work I found that helped.Be prepared for your whole being to be consumed by this,nothing else will mater for a while.
However,remember he has known this girl a short time,his ego will be boosted and all sense will have left him.The drama of the affair itself will have played a part as well,now it is all out in the open it will not be as exciting.In a short while when the excitement of the illicit has faded,he will perhaps take stock of what he has to loose.
If it is any consolation few men stay with the woman they left their wives for.My EXH had a few affairs,finally leaving me,but after a year of coming and going I had moved on and met someone else.I t was ME who ended the marriage and he wanted us to try again!
I n my case it was the best thing that could have happened to me,and I have been happily remarried for 12 years!
Best wishes and good luck

Thankyou for your advice everyone. I feel better now. I came home from my dads this afternoon and he was already packed ready to go. His friend has just collected him.

I have had it out with him to a certain extent. But half of what he said at least was a load of bollocks. It was quite wierd to see him. He was totally changed from the cocky smug mr im so great. To more like a scared child. I almost felt sorry for him.

It is just all so messy coz it was a girl he has to work side by side with. He started this job on monday! He is SO STUPID!!! He said he doesnt really have feelings for her. Could have been lying but I dont think there was really any need for him to IYSWIM. He was really hacked off coz I have taken his phone so he cant speak to anyone including her! I expect he is off to see her now though. None of my business though is it.

I did do something stupid. He had a message come through this morning from another girl he works with. He doesnt know her very well. She is trying to rent her flat out to him. Anyway I called her back and told her what was going on. Seemed like a good idea at the time. She was bloody arsey, going on about how they all know what Ive put him through. FFS. Hes been spouting a load of rubbish to anyone who will listen. So I dont know whether she will blow their cover at work. I wanted everyone there to know what a f%^king bitch she is. She has a boy friend herself. She knew dh was married to me. The night it all started they were away camping while I was working. I spoke to her and she was so friendly going on about how she had been reading my dc their bedtime stories. She is f$%king pathetic. Still toying with the idea of telling their boss and dropping them both in it. I dunno.

I do think that every thing that has gone on is more about our problems, and not really to do with her. He did seem to feel bloody stupid for the mess he has got himself into. He is definately hurting and I do feel bad for that. I just did not know how he was feeling. He has said he has felt down for so long and has been putting on a happy cheery front. The thing is all the time I just thought he was happy and cheery! He has said he will come to counselling with me. I really do think deep down he loves me. We have got our selves into such a mess. We have both just stopped communicating for so long we were both just feeling so hurt for different reasons. This is going to be a long haul.

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I dont know really. I guess that he is just exagerating how bad things were. He told all his family he had been sleeping on the sofa for the last year and that is a big fat lie. I think he is trying to justify his actions. I guess a lot of it is just where we havent been communicating we have been seeing things differently. I accept that I have made mistakes. I know I am jointly responsible for this sorry mess. But he is just trying to put all the blame on me. He is mr perfect.

hi katherine, Im sorry if this sounds harsh. But lying about you to his works colleagues is so bloody disrespectful. My h has done it to me he even told his clients i used to beat him up!!! Id smack him one now if i ever see him again!!! But he lied to me purely to gain the attention and sympathy in order to have the affair.

It could be completely different from mine. But tyou sound like me in the " i felt sorry for him" Why? His done the lying not you.

I can understand wanting to tell all at work what his done but dont. For 1 if his told them your a nut job you will be playing straight into his liea nad making him look like the victim. And 2 if he loses his job you lose financial income from him.

I know how much your hurting but please dont blame yourself and listen to your gut instint and believe in it not listen to it then ignore it!!

Mn has been a god send to me and there is always someone around to listen x

Yeah Im sure your right sp. The girl on the phone probably thinks Im a nut job already. Never mind.

Honestly im not being cruel. I know the pain of it and nobody deserves to go through it.

I truely believe that men just dont realise the pain they cause. It could be nothing. Unfortuneatly some women just enjoy being bitches and his work collegue could have just been saying it to be a witch. Besides she needs him to rent out her flat so she benefits from you 2 arguing.

Im not helping sorry x

I know its all the unanswered questions. The ones that play around in your head till you think your going nuts!

You could always keep a diary? It has helped me. I write down how im feeling and any questions i have for him ( or rather did have) i record and also his answers i record that way i knew i wasnt losing it when he lied to me. It helped me enormously. I never let him see it though. And when i read back on my own pain it makes me cry. but its also helped me stay stronger. Not bitter although im angry at him. But its not worth my time anymore as it simply doesnt bother my x.

But i think it was tfm that said dont go at him because you will push him away. And she is so right. As hard as it is keep your calm with him and when his gone then scrweam shout and smack a pillow around.

Not read the whole thread, but I would need to know.

The doubt would tear me apart otherwise.

Katherinez

It's called guilt. My dad did exactly the same when he left my mum for someone else after having affair for months. It easier for them to transfer all the problems and the reasons for their actions to you so they don't have to deal with the emotion.

Stay strong for your girls as the lies he has told will come out, and he will have to deal with what he has said and done.

Thats a good idea about the diary sp.

I feel so confused I dont know what to think half the time and I cannot remember what hes said and what he hasnt. Or he tells me Ive remembered it wrong. This thing with her seems to be less of an issue than I thought. I dont really think he has feelings for her. He was just feeling down and she was there. I am not letting him off the hook and only time will tell if I m right. Who knows.

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Thats just it Dior. I know I have made mistakes. I am aware we have both created this mess. But he is blaming everything on me. He cannot take responsibility for his actions.

Hes told me hes staying with a friend for the next few days. Coz he hasnt got a phone he had to give me his friends mobile number in case of emergencies. He was very reluctant to do this. I suspect he is staying somewhere with her. Honestly dd has just asked me when he will come and see her so I have an excuse to ring. Shall I ring and see if hes there? I know I shouldnt.

katherinez, hallo, I don't think we've spoken before. I saw your threahd at the beginning and meant to post my support - and have just caught up with how things have gone. I am so sorry that things have reached this stage - I don't want to offer hope if there is none, but you never know,him moving out for awhile might actually be the best thing. If he's holed up in some grotty flat, it'll not only give him time to think, but it'll show him what he's missing, coming back to an empty flat with a takeaway in the fridge, instead of coming home to you and your dcs. I do think the girl is a side issue - he was feeling low, and she was there. The fact that he wants to go to Relate is a hugely good sign - it'll give you both the chance to work things through. If he didn't care about you still, however buried those feeling are at present, he wouldn't agree to go. Hang on to that.

I do feel so sad for you. I remember when dp and I were dating 18 years ago, the horrible day when he told me he didn't love me - and never had - it had just been lust. But now, several girlfriends later for him, and one marriage for me, we're together again - it's been a bit bumpy recently, actually living together has been a bit of a shock to his confirmed batchelor brain, but we really love each other and I think we'll make it.

But I do remember the pain of that rejection as if it were yesterday, and I want to send you a big hug. I'm sure all the MNs do.

Thanks T 58. I do feel relieved that I am not going mad. I really thought I was losing the plot. This may sound daft but I actually feel slightly better now I know what is at the bottom of all this. As you said, I too think the girl is a side issue because he was feeling so down about our relationship. And all this being down to some messed up fling is slightly easier to bear than had it been down to what he had said, that he had 'just stopped loving me and hadnt for a year and a half'. Does that make sense?

Well I spoke to his friend today. I feel so so sad. He stayed with her last night and was looking at a flat with her today. According to his friend he thinks it is the real thing. Please tell me it will all blow over and he will come to his senses. I dont want to lose him. He has only known her a couple of months.

katherine sorry about your situation it must be really hard for you, but I think its time to accept the situation which is blatantly staring you in the face, if he is looking for a flat with this woman then
its obviously serious and has been going on for a while, please dont torture yourself by sitting at home pining for him The quickest way to get a man back would be to show him you are oozing with confidence and dont need him for anything, if he knows you are willing to take him back and will put up with anything he throws at you he wont respect you, I really think you should go back to your councillor to help you through it, chin up in 6 months time you will have a lightbulb moment and think what the heck was you thinking of shedding tears of that tosser

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Hi K I am so sorry you are having to go through this - remember you are not alone and make sure you use us whenever you need to. Ask for help as much as possible - you will be surprized at how many people are out there willing to help. They will not judge you as you think they will.

He may still come to his senses yet - it is infatuation and lust at this stage.

Be dignified as much as you can - dont give him any more things to accuse you of. You are the mother of his children and believe me she will not feel as sucure as you think. Show them both now why he has been with you for so long - because you are a fantastic person and mother ect. He will be sorry someday i am sure.

Let your anger out some other way than at him - find a pillow and scream into it. Write all your frustations out including the swearing ect. if you keep the anger in it will destroy you.

Let him now wonder what is going on in your life - it may take a while as he is so wrapped up in his at the moment but the time will come.

Be proud of yourself now and dont lower yourself to his or her standards you are so much better than that.

Thinking of you lots take care

Thanks for your comments hurtwife. I am trying so hard to be strong. I am still in shock from all the events of the weekend. I guess it cant get any worse from here on in. I will try to be strong. I have my dd to think about. He is saying the most ridiculous things to dd1. He to her tha other day that when she stays at his new house she can be as naughty as she wants and he will never ever tell her off .

He really is the pits at the moment. The least we see of him over the near future the better.